Hey, everyone! Headed to the beach again today. We also went on Friday. It's finally stopped raining long enough for us to go. The girls and I were getting cabin fever, and we even broke down and played outside in the rain on Thursday. But, we needed it, and our grass looks beautiful now!
We're trying to get as many trips to the beach in as we can before Tuesday. I didn't get my big dose of chemo last week, because my platelets were still to low... only 91,000, and they have to be over 100,000 before they'll even consider giving it to me. So, it's been six weeks since my last large dose. Just been getting herceptin every week in between. At this rate, I'll never get my last two big doses (fine by me, if you want my real opinion).
Anyhoo, also on the agenda, Tim's been working a tile job with a friend to get a little extra income, and I'm thinking about helping a friend's mom with cleaning houses after they are built before the buyers do their final walk-through. It would be work, but Tim and I could really use the money.
In other news, I think Judy and Jerry are on the way down from Tennessee this week (Thursday, I believe). They're coming to get the girls so they can spend 2 weeks up there with them. Tim and I won't know what to do with ourselves! I'm sure we'll get into something, though... lol!
Not too much else going on. I've been feeling pretty well, but I'll probably be down and out most of this week, after Wednesday. The big dose that I get on Tuesday usually kicks in by Wednesday afternoon, and I'm out until Sunday or Monday. So, I doubt I'll be on here again before next week.
Hugs, kisses and all that jazzzz to you. Hope you're all doing well. I miss you! ~Brenda
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Here I am!
Hey, everyone! It's been a while because I've had a LOT going on! The girls are on summer vacation, keeping me pretty busy, plus the amount of birthdays in June is overwhelming! Seems like we have a new one to celebrate every couple of days.
As for how I've been... I've been fine. Just busy! I still have 2 chemo sessions left to do, because my platelets were really low for the past couple of weeks. In the forties 2 weeks ago, and in the eighties this past week. Since it's been going up about forty a week or so, I should be up over 100 by this Tuesday, and ready to take my big dose of chemo again. Then I'll be down to only one more to go! YAY!
After that, I need to do 6 weeks of radiation, but I'm thinking that I'll wait until after the girls start school back up before I do that. It's supposed to make you really tired, and I don't want it to ruin the summer, or what's left of it.
Speaking of the girls, they are getting ready to spend 2 weeks in Tennessee with Tim's mom, so we'll be kid-free for a little while.... what shall we do???
Not much else going on. My hair is growing in nice and soft. The new puppy is a hellion, and we probably should have named her Lucifer or something like that instead... lol. Anyhoo, hugs to all. Hope you're doing well!
As for how I've been... I've been fine. Just busy! I still have 2 chemo sessions left to do, because my platelets were really low for the past couple of weeks. In the forties 2 weeks ago, and in the eighties this past week. Since it's been going up about forty a week or so, I should be up over 100 by this Tuesday, and ready to take my big dose of chemo again. Then I'll be down to only one more to go! YAY!
After that, I need to do 6 weeks of radiation, but I'm thinking that I'll wait until after the girls start school back up before I do that. It's supposed to make you really tired, and I don't want it to ruin the summer, or what's left of it.
Speaking of the girls, they are getting ready to spend 2 weeks in Tennessee with Tim's mom, so we'll be kid-free for a little while.... what shall we do???
Not much else going on. My hair is growing in nice and soft. The new puppy is a hellion, and we probably should have named her Lucifer or something like that instead... lol. Anyhoo, hugs to all. Hope you're doing well!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The light at the end of the tunnel!
Well, I had a dr. appointment today, and although I only had Herceptin today, I have only 2 more big doses of chemo. One is next week, and the last one should be on June 26, provided all of my blood work looks good and I can get my doses on time! I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so tired of being bald, pale, heavy (larger than I'm used to), and just all-around unhappy with myself. My hair has started to grow back, but I'm thinking it'll fall back out, because my scalp has started to get really tender just like it did the last time it fell out. We shall see. I'm really bummed about that. I don't have much choice, though.
On to other news... The girls are out of school now, so I officially have a 10th grader and a 1st grader. My babies are getting so big so fast! We're talking about getting Ash into driver's ed classes this summer! Look out world! lol.
So, to celebrate the beginning of summer, Tammy and I took Ash, Carley and Brittany (her daughter) to the beach on Saturday. We all wore sunscreen, but still got burnt! It was pretty hot out. But, we managed to try to teach Carley to body surf... she loves it! Ash was working on learning to skim board. If I were about 10 years younger, I'd try, but as many times as she wiped out, I'd probably break a hip or something! lol. I guess I'll pass on that one.
Then, on Sunday, Tim and I, and Kevin and Tammy took a bike ride. We just went out to the Red Rooster and watched Big Engine play for a while. That was fun. Then we ate at Applebee's and headed home.
The girls spent the night at Tammy's on Sunday night, and then Tammy and I took them to Box Seats (sports bar) for lunch. It was a pretty quiet day on Monday. I think everyone was pretty tuckered out from the weekend. While we were out with the girls, Kevin Jr. took Kevin on a day-trip for his birthday. He rented jet ski's for 2 hours and they had a blast. The trip was a surprise, because nobody would tell Kevin where they were going.
Finally, since Kevin's birthday is tomorrow (Wednesday), we're going to have dinner and cake at their house tomorrow, and then we're planning a big party for him at the Fleet for Friday night (June 1st). We're all pretty excited about that.
I guess that's about all the news for now. Not much else going on. I hope you all had a fun weekend! Hope the weather was as beautiful for you as it was for us!
On to other news... The girls are out of school now, so I officially have a 10th grader and a 1st grader. My babies are getting so big so fast! We're talking about getting Ash into driver's ed classes this summer! Look out world! lol.
So, to celebrate the beginning of summer, Tammy and I took Ash, Carley and Brittany (her daughter) to the beach on Saturday. We all wore sunscreen, but still got burnt! It was pretty hot out. But, we managed to try to teach Carley to body surf... she loves it! Ash was working on learning to skim board. If I were about 10 years younger, I'd try, but as many times as she wiped out, I'd probably break a hip or something! lol. I guess I'll pass on that one.
Then, on Sunday, Tim and I, and Kevin and Tammy took a bike ride. We just went out to the Red Rooster and watched Big Engine play for a while. That was fun. Then we ate at Applebee's and headed home.
The girls spent the night at Tammy's on Sunday night, and then Tammy and I took them to Box Seats (sports bar) for lunch. It was a pretty quiet day on Monday. I think everyone was pretty tuckered out from the weekend. While we were out with the girls, Kevin Jr. took Kevin on a day-trip for his birthday. He rented jet ski's for 2 hours and they had a blast. The trip was a surprise, because nobody would tell Kevin where they were going.
Finally, since Kevin's birthday is tomorrow (Wednesday), we're going to have dinner and cake at their house tomorrow, and then we're planning a big party for him at the Fleet for Friday night (June 1st). We're all pretty excited about that.
I guess that's about all the news for now. Not much else going on. I hope you all had a fun weekend! Hope the weather was as beautiful for you as it was for us!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Feeling Normal
Good News! I'm finally starting to start to feel a little more like a human being again! I'm not 100%, but I'm getting some more energy back, and the cold is starting to go away. Also, not too many nose bleeds this time around. That's always good, in my opinion.
Otherwise, not a whole lot going on. My pumpkin plants are getting huge, the blackberries are getting small berries on them, and the tomato plants are blossoming. The bugs really seem to like the sunflowers and the strawberries, though. So, I'll have to try a different bug spray on those, I guess.
The addition is moving along nicely, and we're HOPING to paint this weekend. We shall see, because I don't really think the mudding will be done in time. That's ok, though. I'm just happy to see any progress at all. I am told that I'll be able to actually USE my jacuzzi tub for the first time this weekend because it'll be totally hooked up. So, that's nice.
Oh, and two more things...
HAPPY RETIREMENT to Judy and Jerry! How very exciting! Congrats, you've both earned it. We love you!
Congratulations to the new SENIOR CHEIF Ray Hager! We all knew you could do it! Of course, you needed the pay raise, with all those kids... j/k! We love you, and are so proud of you!!!
Hugz, kisses, and all that jazzzzzzz.... ~B
Otherwise, not a whole lot going on. My pumpkin plants are getting huge, the blackberries are getting small berries on them, and the tomato plants are blossoming. The bugs really seem to like the sunflowers and the strawberries, though. So, I'll have to try a different bug spray on those, I guess.
The addition is moving along nicely, and we're HOPING to paint this weekend. We shall see, because I don't really think the mudding will be done in time. That's ok, though. I'm just happy to see any progress at all. I am told that I'll be able to actually USE my jacuzzi tub for the first time this weekend because it'll be totally hooked up. So, that's nice.
Oh, and two more things...
HAPPY RETIREMENT to Judy and Jerry! How very exciting! Congrats, you've both earned it. We love you!
Congratulations to the new SENIOR CHEIF Ray Hager! We all knew you could do it! Of course, you needed the pay raise, with all those kids... j/k! We love you, and are so proud of you!!!
Hugz, kisses, and all that jazzzzzzz.... ~B
Monday, May 21, 2007
Yup, it's Monday.
So, I pretty much slept the whole weekend away. On top of the chemo making me feel crappy, I managed to catch Carley's cold. Is there anything that kindergartners don't catch and bring home? Those kids are just crawling with germs!!! I have completely lost count of how many times I've been sick this school year because of my low tolerance for germs and Carley being a disease-ridden child. Yucky!! She's lucky she's cute, or I'd sell her off to the Gypsies.
In other news, we had found a mole last week and toyed with the idea of building a little habitat and keeping it, but decided not to. So instead, we set it free in the "wild" (down the street by some trees) and got Carley a Guinea Pig, which we named "Igpay" (pig Latin for Pig). So, now everyone in the house has a pet. D.O.G. is mine, Paxil (the cat) pretty much adopted Tim, the puppy will be Ash's when she comes to live with us (she's D.O.G.'s daughter), and Carley has Igpa. As Tim puts it, "Nobody's allowed to ask for anything else!" lol.
Otherwise, we're all doing fine. We're hoping to be painting the upstairs by next weekend, but we shall see. We do have the colors picked out, though. I'm very excited about that. Also, this is the last week of school for the girls, so I'm sure we'll be spending a lot of time at the pool during the next couple of months until they go to spend a couple of weeks in Tennessee with Tim's Mom.
Not much else going on. Hope you all had a nice weekend. Hugs, ~B
In other news, we had found a mole last week and toyed with the idea of building a little habitat and keeping it, but decided not to. So instead, we set it free in the "wild" (down the street by some trees) and got Carley a Guinea Pig, which we named "Igpay" (pig Latin for Pig). So, now everyone in the house has a pet. D.O.G. is mine, Paxil (the cat) pretty much adopted Tim, the puppy will be Ash's when she comes to live with us (she's D.O.G.'s daughter), and Carley has Igpa. As Tim puts it, "Nobody's allowed to ask for anything else!" lol.
Otherwise, we're all doing fine. We're hoping to be painting the upstairs by next weekend, but we shall see. We do have the colors picked out, though. I'm very excited about that. Also, this is the last week of school for the girls, so I'm sure we'll be spending a lot of time at the pool during the next couple of months until they go to spend a couple of weeks in Tennessee with Tim's Mom.
Not much else going on. Hope you all had a nice weekend. Hugs, ~B
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Not feeling so hot.
Hey everyone. This is going to be pretty short today, because I'm not feeling so hot. I had my large dose of chemo on Tuesday, and I think that since it's been 5 weeks, it's worse than usual. My hair was finally starting to grow back in, and I'm wondering if it'll all fall back out now. My head hurts, my stomach is upset, I can't decide if I'm going to throw up or just sit next to the toilet, and my muscles ache everywhere. I feel like I've been beaten with a lead pipe. So, I'm going to take Carley to school, and go back to bed today.
Oh, one more thing. See the picture of our baby? She's 4 weeks old today. Her name is Solie.
Hugs to all, ~B
Oh, one more thing. See the picture of our baby? She's 4 weeks old today. Her name is Solie.
Hugs to all, ~B
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Chemo Day Update
Hey, everyone!
It's Tuesday, aka Chemo Day. Not a whole lot to report. My last post mentioned how my white blood cells were low... I MEANT that the platelets were low, not the white blood cells. I'd had so many problems with the WBC's that I must have had them stuck in my head when I posted the other day. Anyways, I got my blood work done again this week, and the platelets were still too low to do my big dose of chemo, so it was just Herceptin again today. The good news is that they were up to 92, and once they reach 100, I'm in the "safe zone" to do my chemo again. So, although I'm 2 weeks behind schedule, they are going up on their own. That means that I don't have to come in for injections every day this week, and I am no longer in danger of needing a transfusion! YAY! Thank you to everyone that offered to help out, though! It means so much!!!
Ok, as for this weekend, Tim had some friends over helping with the house again. They're getting so much done, and we're even starting to pick out colors for the walls! One of his buddies used to do drywall work, so he's been doing the mudding for free! I can't express to him how much we appreciate all his hard work. He's invaluable!!! So, that's moving along at a nice pace.
On Sunday, I planted mine and Carley's pumpkins and sunflowers into large pots to be outside. I didn't want to plant them in the ground because the St. Augustine grass will probably strangle out anything I plant. I also planted several strawberry plants, and some tomato plants. Today, I was cleaning up around the trees out back and found that raspberry plants are growing wild back there, amongst the bushes. So, I've made an attempt to dig up as many larger plants as I could and have put them into a large planter, too. Also, Tim bought me 4 large blackberry bushes today. So, I'm a happy little camper. I don't have a very green thumb when it comes to flowering plants (unless it's something simple like a hibiscus), but I can grow fruits and veggies! Tim wants to get me a greenhouse, but it's going to be on hold for a while, until we can get caught up on the upstairs addition.
Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, and in case I don't get on here again before Sunday, I want to wish all of you Mom's a Happy Day! I hope you have a nice weekend!!! Hugs and love from our family.
It's Tuesday, aka Chemo Day. Not a whole lot to report. My last post mentioned how my white blood cells were low... I MEANT that the platelets were low, not the white blood cells. I'd had so many problems with the WBC's that I must have had them stuck in my head when I posted the other day. Anyways, I got my blood work done again this week, and the platelets were still too low to do my big dose of chemo, so it was just Herceptin again today. The good news is that they were up to 92, and once they reach 100, I'm in the "safe zone" to do my chemo again. So, although I'm 2 weeks behind schedule, they are going up on their own. That means that I don't have to come in for injections every day this week, and I am no longer in danger of needing a transfusion! YAY! Thank you to everyone that offered to help out, though! It means so much!!!
Ok, as for this weekend, Tim had some friends over helping with the house again. They're getting so much done, and we're even starting to pick out colors for the walls! One of his buddies used to do drywall work, so he's been doing the mudding for free! I can't express to him how much we appreciate all his hard work. He's invaluable!!! So, that's moving along at a nice pace.
On Sunday, I planted mine and Carley's pumpkins and sunflowers into large pots to be outside. I didn't want to plant them in the ground because the St. Augustine grass will probably strangle out anything I plant. I also planted several strawberry plants, and some tomato plants. Today, I was cleaning up around the trees out back and found that raspberry plants are growing wild back there, amongst the bushes. So, I've made an attempt to dig up as many larger plants as I could and have put them into a large planter, too. Also, Tim bought me 4 large blackberry bushes today. So, I'm a happy little camper. I don't have a very green thumb when it comes to flowering plants (unless it's something simple like a hibiscus), but I can grow fruits and veggies! Tim wants to get me a greenhouse, but it's going to be on hold for a while, until we can get caught up on the upstairs addition.
Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, and in case I don't get on here again before Sunday, I want to wish all of you Mom's a Happy Day! I hope you have a nice weekend!!! Hugs and love from our family.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Wake up! It's Wednesday!
Ok, let's see... time to fill you in on the weekend and the beginning of this week. I guess I'll start with Saturday, since my last post was on Friday. Tim had 5 of his friends show up this weekend to help with the house. They tore down "The Wall" that many of you were familiar with. It was Tim's idea to create a more formal living room, which in essence, shrunk our living room down to the size of a walnut. I hated the wall and would have gladly hugged each of those guys for coming over and removing it! So, my living room is a nice, big room again.. YAY! Also, they put up some drywall upstairs, and built the base for the upstairs air conditioner to sit on. Hopefully, they'll be back out this weekend to help some more.
Then, on Sunday, Kevin and Tammy decided to go on a bike ride, since it was so nice out. We were invited, but were working on the house so we didn't go. Well, on their way home, this jerk slammed on his brakes in front of them, and they ended up dumping the bike. Tammy got thrown into oncoming traffic... fortunately, the oncoming driver had fast reactions and stopped before she hit her! But, she's all scraped up and had hit her head on the pavement pretty hard. Kevin has a bruised chest, and his left shin and right thigh have large, swollen bruises from going down with the bike. Of course, he was more worried about Tammy than anything, so I think he hurt himself worse trying to get untangled to get to her. The bike itself isn't too bad. It still runs, and is scraped up along the left side. The front fender has a scratch, the foot lever for shifting, the clutch plate cover, and the rear light are all banged up. The good news is that they only have a $250 deductible on their insurance, so it won't be too bad to get it fixed. Tim dropped it off at the dealership for them yesterday. So, Kevin and Tammy were pretty shaken up, covered in road rash, but otherwise fine. Thank goodness! Tim and I took the trailer out there to them and picked them up and the bike after it happened.
Then, on Monday, I had some dr. appointments. I had to get my usual blood draw at my oncologists office. My white blood counts were the lowest they've ever been, so I only got herceptin yesterday, instead of my full dose, which is what I was due for. I have to go back on Friday for another blood test to see if I'm getting any better. If not, she wants to put me on a shot every day next week. We shall see. She also mentioned that if she has to, she'll get me a blood transfusion. Fortunately, Tim has already offered to be my donor so I don't get something from some stranger. Transfusions scare the hell out of me!
Also on Monday, I had to go to the base to get some blood work done... routine stuff for a 30+ check up. I guess they were supposed to do it last year, but got "sidetracked" by the cysts that they found in my breasts this time last year. Anyways the blood tests were for the normal stuff... thyroid, diabetes, and so on. I haven't heard anything back yet, so I'm assuming "No news is good news" with the base. They don't usually call unless there's a problem.
After that, I had my 6-month follow up mammogram. Of course, nobody mentioned that I had to pick up my October films from my surgeon at Shand's. So, I called them on Tuesday, and come to find out, the films were sent back to Baptist (I thought I was done dealing with Baptist!). So, I'm picking those up today and dropping them at the base to compare to my new mammograms that I got on Monday. Surprisingly, the mammos on Monday weren't that painful, (I think the technician was being extra careful, bless her heart!). But, I was very, very anxious and almost passed out! The last mammo that I had done was in October, when they did my Core Biopsy at Baptist Medical Center, and then they decided to do another mammo AFTER the biopsy! I was already freaked out and upset and scared, and then they wanted to squish my breast in a vice??? I came really, really close to passing out that day. They had to let me sit for about a 1/2 an hour and buy me an orange juice just get me through it! Fortunately, Tammy was with me, so she drove me home. Otherwise, I don't know if I would have made it.
So, anyways, back to this week... On Tuesday, I was supposed to get my big chemo dose, but as I mentioned before, I only got Herceptin this week, because of my low white blood cell count. I had a check up with my dr. and everything seemed otherwise ok, except that I have developed some weird nerve-like twitch in my thumb. Now, any of you that know me, know that I have unusual twitches sometimes anyways. I can't always get my shoulder comfortable, and when I feel nervous, I wiggle my fingers. This twitch is different... it's completely out of my control. I had noticed it about a week or so ago, and didn't think much of it. We all get those weird eye twitches and so on. That's what it's like, but in my left thumb. I wouldn't have even thought to mention it, except that it did it during my appointment and happened to point it out. Apparently, my dr. thinks it could be something, so she wants to keep an eye on it. If it doesn't stop, she wants to send me to a neurologist. I don't think it's anything major, though.
Anyways, so today, I have a 10:00 appointment with my radiologist at Shand's. She is supposed to be getting me situated with my radiation schedule. I'm not sure I'll actually get the schedule today, but we'll see. I do know that radiation generally lasts 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week. So far, that's all the info I have.
Ok, I guess that's the news for now. I would like to briefly point out one more thing... On my post from Friday, I mentioned that people are sending Tim nasty grams for my not writing on here... but where's my incentive? I get no responses... I get no e-mails... I get nothing in return. I have absolutely no proof whatsoever that anyone is even reading this, other than the fact that they mention it to Tim when I don't write! As far as I can tell, this is more of a diary than an online, public blog! Just an observation.
Oh, and one last thing... have you all helped donate to Aimee's 3-day walk? I haven't mentioned it in a while, but she's doing it in my name to raise money for breast cancer research! I happen to think it's a worthy cause! If you haven't given anything, please consider doing so!!! Thank you!
Then, on Sunday, Kevin and Tammy decided to go on a bike ride, since it was so nice out. We were invited, but were working on the house so we didn't go. Well, on their way home, this jerk slammed on his brakes in front of them, and they ended up dumping the bike. Tammy got thrown into oncoming traffic... fortunately, the oncoming driver had fast reactions and stopped before she hit her! But, she's all scraped up and had hit her head on the pavement pretty hard. Kevin has a bruised chest, and his left shin and right thigh have large, swollen bruises from going down with the bike. Of course, he was more worried about Tammy than anything, so I think he hurt himself worse trying to get untangled to get to her. The bike itself isn't too bad. It still runs, and is scraped up along the left side. The front fender has a scratch, the foot lever for shifting, the clutch plate cover, and the rear light are all banged up. The good news is that they only have a $250 deductible on their insurance, so it won't be too bad to get it fixed. Tim dropped it off at the dealership for them yesterday. So, Kevin and Tammy were pretty shaken up, covered in road rash, but otherwise fine. Thank goodness! Tim and I took the trailer out there to them and picked them up and the bike after it happened.
Then, on Monday, I had some dr. appointments. I had to get my usual blood draw at my oncologists office. My white blood counts were the lowest they've ever been, so I only got herceptin yesterday, instead of my full dose, which is what I was due for. I have to go back on Friday for another blood test to see if I'm getting any better. If not, she wants to put me on a shot every day next week. We shall see. She also mentioned that if she has to, she'll get me a blood transfusion. Fortunately, Tim has already offered to be my donor so I don't get something from some stranger. Transfusions scare the hell out of me!
Also on Monday, I had to go to the base to get some blood work done... routine stuff for a 30+ check up. I guess they were supposed to do it last year, but got "sidetracked" by the cysts that they found in my breasts this time last year. Anyways the blood tests were for the normal stuff... thyroid, diabetes, and so on. I haven't heard anything back yet, so I'm assuming "No news is good news" with the base. They don't usually call unless there's a problem.
After that, I had my 6-month follow up mammogram. Of course, nobody mentioned that I had to pick up my October films from my surgeon at Shand's. So, I called them on Tuesday, and come to find out, the films were sent back to Baptist (I thought I was done dealing with Baptist!). So, I'm picking those up today and dropping them at the base to compare to my new mammograms that I got on Monday. Surprisingly, the mammos on Monday weren't that painful, (I think the technician was being extra careful, bless her heart!). But, I was very, very anxious and almost passed out! The last mammo that I had done was in October, when they did my Core Biopsy at Baptist Medical Center, and then they decided to do another mammo AFTER the biopsy! I was already freaked out and upset and scared, and then they wanted to squish my breast in a vice??? I came really, really close to passing out that day. They had to let me sit for about a 1/2 an hour and buy me an orange juice just get me through it! Fortunately, Tammy was with me, so she drove me home. Otherwise, I don't know if I would have made it.
So, anyways, back to this week... On Tuesday, I was supposed to get my big chemo dose, but as I mentioned before, I only got Herceptin this week, because of my low white blood cell count. I had a check up with my dr. and everything seemed otherwise ok, except that I have developed some weird nerve-like twitch in my thumb. Now, any of you that know me, know that I have unusual twitches sometimes anyways. I can't always get my shoulder comfortable, and when I feel nervous, I wiggle my fingers. This twitch is different... it's completely out of my control. I had noticed it about a week or so ago, and didn't think much of it. We all get those weird eye twitches and so on. That's what it's like, but in my left thumb. I wouldn't have even thought to mention it, except that it did it during my appointment and happened to point it out. Apparently, my dr. thinks it could be something, so she wants to keep an eye on it. If it doesn't stop, she wants to send me to a neurologist. I don't think it's anything major, though.
Anyways, so today, I have a 10:00 appointment with my radiologist at Shand's. She is supposed to be getting me situated with my radiation schedule. I'm not sure I'll actually get the schedule today, but we'll see. I do know that radiation generally lasts 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week. So far, that's all the info I have.
Ok, I guess that's the news for now. I would like to briefly point out one more thing... On my post from Friday, I mentioned that people are sending Tim nasty grams for my not writing on here... but where's my incentive? I get no responses... I get no e-mails... I get nothing in return. I have absolutely no proof whatsoever that anyone is even reading this, other than the fact that they mention it to Tim when I don't write! As far as I can tell, this is more of a diary than an online, public blog! Just an observation.
Oh, and one last thing... have you all helped donate to Aimee's 3-day walk? I haven't mentioned it in a while, but she's doing it in my name to raise money for breast cancer research! I happen to think it's a worthy cause! If you haven't given anything, please consider doing so!!! Thank you!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Guess I'd better post!
I just got back from the grocery store, and had a message on my phone from Tim. Apparently, he's getting "nasty grams" because I haven't posted in a while. I love how that works... I get lazy, and he hears about it! lol. Anyways, so I guess I'd better get on here and let everyone know what's been going on....
I haven't been on here in a while because we had an unexpected (but very much welcome) house guest for about 10 days. There were some relationship problems and she decided to visit us for a little while to get away from it. I was thrilled that of all the places she could have gone, she chose to visit me! That's about as detailed as I'm going to get on that. I don't want to dish out someone else's problems all over the Internet.
On top of that, we have a new baby in the family! Sassy had her puppy! According to the x-ray there were supposed to be 3, but apparently 2 of them died (we think she ate them) so there is just one little, black female left. She's adorable, but fat!!! lol. She's growing like crazy. She was born on April 20th, and we're still waiting for her eyes to open. Of course, we're very excited "grandparents" because Sassy is my best friend's dog, and DOG is the daddy.
Also, last weekend, we went on a poker run (motorcycle ride) for fallen bikers. It was a beautiful day, and we had a lot of fun. I believe we put over 100 miles on the bikes that day. I couldn't believe how many bikes were there! There had to have been at least 300 motorcycles. It was pretty cool.
The girls are doing fine... they're excited about the school year being almost over. I believe their last day is the 25th of May. I'm going to have to find something for them to do all summer so they don't drive me nuts! Carley and I do have some sunflowers and some pumpkin plants started. She's very good about remembering to water them every afternoon when she gets home from school. We'll see if she remembers during the summer, though!
The upstairs is moving along slowly. Progress was held up a little when we started running low on money. Fortunately, we got our tax return and we're going to have a "working party" this weekend. I'm making potato salad, brownies, burgers and hot dogs, and so on. Hopefully, we'll get a lot done, since we can afford to get the stuff we need now. Once we finally finish the job, we'll get the house refinanced, and we'll pay off everything and just have one monthly bill. Plus, the house will be worth so much more!
I guess that's it for now. Today is just grocery shopping, laundry, and making food for the guys to eat this weekend. Love and hugz to everyone. Sorry it's taken so long to post! I try to keep myself busy, and so I don't take the time to sit at the computer too much anymore. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
I haven't been on here in a while because we had an unexpected (but very much welcome) house guest for about 10 days. There were some relationship problems and she decided to visit us for a little while to get away from it. I was thrilled that of all the places she could have gone, she chose to visit me! That's about as detailed as I'm going to get on that. I don't want to dish out someone else's problems all over the Internet.
On top of that, we have a new baby in the family! Sassy had her puppy! According to the x-ray there were supposed to be 3, but apparently 2 of them died (we think she ate them) so there is just one little, black female left. She's adorable, but fat!!! lol. She's growing like crazy. She was born on April 20th, and we're still waiting for her eyes to open. Of course, we're very excited "grandparents" because Sassy is my best friend's dog, and DOG is the daddy.
Also, last weekend, we went on a poker run (motorcycle ride) for fallen bikers. It was a beautiful day, and we had a lot of fun. I believe we put over 100 miles on the bikes that day. I couldn't believe how many bikes were there! There had to have been at least 300 motorcycles. It was pretty cool.
The girls are doing fine... they're excited about the school year being almost over. I believe their last day is the 25th of May. I'm going to have to find something for them to do all summer so they don't drive me nuts! Carley and I do have some sunflowers and some pumpkin plants started. She's very good about remembering to water them every afternoon when she gets home from school. We'll see if she remembers during the summer, though!
The upstairs is moving along slowly. Progress was held up a little when we started running low on money. Fortunately, we got our tax return and we're going to have a "working party" this weekend. I'm making potato salad, brownies, burgers and hot dogs, and so on. Hopefully, we'll get a lot done, since we can afford to get the stuff we need now. Once we finally finish the job, we'll get the house refinanced, and we'll pay off everything and just have one monthly bill. Plus, the house will be worth so much more!
I guess that's it for now. Today is just grocery shopping, laundry, and making food for the guys to eat this weekend. Love and hugz to everyone. Sorry it's taken so long to post! I try to keep myself busy, and so I don't take the time to sit at the computer too much anymore. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Adversity can bring you happiness
In ‘Here’s the Bright Side,’ the author writes about cancer changing her life.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18023622/from/ET/
Best-selling author and former NBC News correspondent Betty Rollin wrote about her breast cancer and mastectomy in, “First You Cry,” followed by “Last Wish,” which dealt with the suicide of her terminally ill mother. So it may surprise you to learn that her new book is called “Here’s the Bright Side of Failure, Fear, Cancer, Divorce and Other Bum Raps.”
Here’s an excerpt: Introduction
I woke up one morning and realized I was happy. This struck me as weird. Not that I didn’t have all kinds of things to be happy about — love, work, good health, enough money, the usual happy-making stuff. The weird part is, when I thought about it, I realized that the source of my happiness was, of all things, cancer — that cancer had everything to do with how good the good parts of my life were.
When I thought about it more — and looked into it and started talking to other people —survivors, not only of cancer but of various other of life’s infinite variety of bum raps — failure, divorce, illnesses and reversals of all kinds, death of a spouse, and so on—it turned out I was not alone. It turns out there is often — it seems very often — an astonishingly bright side within darkness. People more than survive bum raps: they often thrive on them; they wind up stronger, livelier, happier; they wake up to new insights and new people and do better with the people around them who are not new. In short, they often wind up ahead. There are even studies, scientific studies (!) that show that people often say they have benefited from the terrible things that have happened to them.
Coping well is part of this phenomenon, but there’s more to it than that. Within each form of misery, there seems to be something of worth, a hidden prize waiting to be found. Sometimes it’s found right away, sometimes not: a painful, debilitating divorce or widowhood can lead, gradually, to a new tranquillity within and without. (Not to mention the possible emergence of a swell new mate. Have you ever encountered the particularly dipsy-doodle joy of a newly married widow or widower? A person who thought love was forever buried with a deceased mate, but by golly, here it is again!)
Or if it’s physical pain that has been endured, when the pain stops, you notice — and keep noticing—how well you feel. It’s thrilling to feel well! But nobody is thrilled about feeling well who hasn’t been feeling lousy, especially for a long while.
The prize — the bright side — may be as big as a barn or as small as a pea, but whatever its size, it seems to be directly born of suffering. When it’s as big as a barn, it’s an enduring gladness, and you may wind up feeling that whatever you went through was worth it (as I do). When the bright side is small, you may not feel that the bad part was worth it, but you come to feel that something good came from it, good that wouldn’t otherwise have been there. Sometimes that means wisdom. Often it means the extremely good feeling that you get when you’ve been through something tough. It’s a feeling of restored control and the sense of power that comes with restored control. Again, yes, coping figures into this; but mainly the bright side is what coping does for you, how it makes you feel about yourself and the world you live in.
The social scientists tell us now that as people cope successfully — and, they say, most do — they are uplifted, even elated. Having coped, you now know, as you didn’t before, that you can Do It. You now know what you’re made of. Having been through whatever it was that leveled you, you have come out the other side new and improved — as if you’ve had a sort of spiritual car wash.
The Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, talks about people having a “psychological immune system that defends the mind against unhappiness in much the same way that the physical immune system defends the body against illness.” And the worse the unhappiness is, he says, the more work the immune system has to do.
The bright side is almost always infused with gratitude. How many times have you seen on TV a family standing in a pile of rubble that used to be their house, weeping for joy because they’re alive? No family weeps for joy because they’re alive as they stand in the middle of their fully furnished living room.
Closer family relationships, a new appreciation of life, a sunnier outlook on just about everything, a feeling, perhaps for the first time, of being entitled to put one’s own needs first — these turn out to be among the bright sides of illness, according to a recent UCLA study of breast-cancer survivors. Funny thing is, the study was originally set up to examine the negative effects of the disease, but the researchers were stopped short by women who kept laying it on about the good stuff — about the bright side.
“More women reported improved self-image,” the study says, “feeling more self-assured, having survived the adversities of cancer .... In terms of relationships with other people, a high percentage felt more sympathetic and compassionate towards others. About 80 percent felt that some good things had happened in their lives as a result of the cancer.”
The UCLA study was small, but it was followed by larger studies with similar results. Some studies are so new they haven’t been written up yet. It’s not that there’s nothing negative in these studies; it’s that, as the data rolled in, “the positive was so prevalent, we could hardly believe it,” says Dr. Patricia Ganz, one of the lead researchers at UCLA. As a result, says Dr. Julia Rowland, director of the National Cancer Institute’s Office of Cancer Survivorship, the field of research has shifted. And now benefits of other cancers are being studied, too.
Other researchers — again, to their surprise — have found similar results with other catastrophes, ranging from natural disasters to chronic illness. Susan Folkman at the University of California, San Francisco, found in her studies of AIDS patients that there was “a far more positive mood than negative.” Youngsters who experienced Hurricane Floyd and the subsequent flooding emerged feeling better about their own competency than they had before. (At this writing, the results from Katrina aren’t in yet.)
Not to be confused with the power of positive thinking or trying to see the bad event as not so bad, the bright side has to do with finding the good, whatever form it takes, within the bad and proceeding from there. And as they proceed from there, “people grow resources and gain skills, wisdom, strength they didn’t know they had,” Folk-man says. “They review priorities; they have new meaningful goals; they live more in the moment.” It irritates Folkman when the accusation of denial comes up. “This is not denial. These people know what’s wrong. They just want to feel as good as they can.”
We cheery survivors of bum raps meet with a lot of in credulity, but not from one another. We know what’s up. What’s up is better than anyone could have imagined. We ourselves couldn’t have imagined it — before. It also turns out that if pain — physical and/or emotional pain — has been endured, one feels even more powerful and positive. “Paradoxical—or adversarial—growth” is what the studies call it. Meaning, the worse it’s been, the better, stronger, more powerful one winds up feeling.
I do suspect that the ability to find the prize — the bright side —has at least partly to do with one’s nature. And one’s nature has partly to do with one’s parents’ natures. I think my own post-bum-rap cheer, for example, has a lot to do with my mother. My mother’s glass was chronically half full. That kind of take on life is not the same as optimism, by the way. It isn’t that my mother expected that things would turn out well. She thought they had turned out well. When I got breast cancer, for example, of course she was upset at first, but ultimately, she shrugged. What’s a little cancer? Practically everyone has it. Besides, she added merrily, buying the surgeon’s comforting cliché, “they got it all!”
But even if you don’t start out with a positive nature, it’s still mighty pleasant to have escaped from what might have been The End. The end of marriage equals the end of happiness; the end of a job means the end of self-esteem. Cancer means The End, period. Not! People are so delighted and proud to be hanging in there. For some, it’s a triumph just to be breathing. “I had X, but here I am,” they exclaim — I exclaim! — as if they — I — had scaled a wall and made it down a rope to the ground. In a way they — we — have, and on the way down, moreover, we have learned a few things; we are enlightened, enriched, we have become improved versions of ourselves. Here, then, are some of the things I and my fellow bum-rappers have learned. We’ve learned the hard way. Not, it turns out, a bad way to learn—especially about the bright side and how bright it can be.
Excerpted from “Here's the Bright Side” by Betty Rollin (c) 2007 by Betty Rollin. Published by arrangement with Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.
© 2007 MSNBC Interactive
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18023622/from/ET/
Best-selling author and former NBC News correspondent Betty Rollin wrote about her breast cancer and mastectomy in, “First You Cry,” followed by “Last Wish,” which dealt with the suicide of her terminally ill mother. So it may surprise you to learn that her new book is called “Here’s the Bright Side of Failure, Fear, Cancer, Divorce and Other Bum Raps.”
Here’s an excerpt: Introduction
I woke up one morning and realized I was happy. This struck me as weird. Not that I didn’t have all kinds of things to be happy about — love, work, good health, enough money, the usual happy-making stuff. The weird part is, when I thought about it, I realized that the source of my happiness was, of all things, cancer — that cancer had everything to do with how good the good parts of my life were.
When I thought about it more — and looked into it and started talking to other people —survivors, not only of cancer but of various other of life’s infinite variety of bum raps — failure, divorce, illnesses and reversals of all kinds, death of a spouse, and so on—it turned out I was not alone. It turns out there is often — it seems very often — an astonishingly bright side within darkness. People more than survive bum raps: they often thrive on them; they wind up stronger, livelier, happier; they wake up to new insights and new people and do better with the people around them who are not new. In short, they often wind up ahead. There are even studies, scientific studies (!) that show that people often say they have benefited from the terrible things that have happened to them.
Coping well is part of this phenomenon, but there’s more to it than that. Within each form of misery, there seems to be something of worth, a hidden prize waiting to be found. Sometimes it’s found right away, sometimes not: a painful, debilitating divorce or widowhood can lead, gradually, to a new tranquillity within and without. (Not to mention the possible emergence of a swell new mate. Have you ever encountered the particularly dipsy-doodle joy of a newly married widow or widower? A person who thought love was forever buried with a deceased mate, but by golly, here it is again!)
Or if it’s physical pain that has been endured, when the pain stops, you notice — and keep noticing—how well you feel. It’s thrilling to feel well! But nobody is thrilled about feeling well who hasn’t been feeling lousy, especially for a long while.
The prize — the bright side — may be as big as a barn or as small as a pea, but whatever its size, it seems to be directly born of suffering. When it’s as big as a barn, it’s an enduring gladness, and you may wind up feeling that whatever you went through was worth it (as I do). When the bright side is small, you may not feel that the bad part was worth it, but you come to feel that something good came from it, good that wouldn’t otherwise have been there. Sometimes that means wisdom. Often it means the extremely good feeling that you get when you’ve been through something tough. It’s a feeling of restored control and the sense of power that comes with restored control. Again, yes, coping figures into this; but mainly the bright side is what coping does for you, how it makes you feel about yourself and the world you live in.
The social scientists tell us now that as people cope successfully — and, they say, most do — they are uplifted, even elated. Having coped, you now know, as you didn’t before, that you can Do It. You now know what you’re made of. Having been through whatever it was that leveled you, you have come out the other side new and improved — as if you’ve had a sort of spiritual car wash.
The Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, talks about people having a “psychological immune system that defends the mind against unhappiness in much the same way that the physical immune system defends the body against illness.” And the worse the unhappiness is, he says, the more work the immune system has to do.
The bright side is almost always infused with gratitude. How many times have you seen on TV a family standing in a pile of rubble that used to be their house, weeping for joy because they’re alive? No family weeps for joy because they’re alive as they stand in the middle of their fully furnished living room.
Closer family relationships, a new appreciation of life, a sunnier outlook on just about everything, a feeling, perhaps for the first time, of being entitled to put one’s own needs first — these turn out to be among the bright sides of illness, according to a recent UCLA study of breast-cancer survivors. Funny thing is, the study was originally set up to examine the negative effects of the disease, but the researchers were stopped short by women who kept laying it on about the good stuff — about the bright side.
“More women reported improved self-image,” the study says, “feeling more self-assured, having survived the adversities of cancer .... In terms of relationships with other people, a high percentage felt more sympathetic and compassionate towards others. About 80 percent felt that some good things had happened in their lives as a result of the cancer.”
The UCLA study was small, but it was followed by larger studies with similar results. Some studies are so new they haven’t been written up yet. It’s not that there’s nothing negative in these studies; it’s that, as the data rolled in, “the positive was so prevalent, we could hardly believe it,” says Dr. Patricia Ganz, one of the lead researchers at UCLA. As a result, says Dr. Julia Rowland, director of the National Cancer Institute’s Office of Cancer Survivorship, the field of research has shifted. And now benefits of other cancers are being studied, too.
Other researchers — again, to their surprise — have found similar results with other catastrophes, ranging from natural disasters to chronic illness. Susan Folkman at the University of California, San Francisco, found in her studies of AIDS patients that there was “a far more positive mood than negative.” Youngsters who experienced Hurricane Floyd and the subsequent flooding emerged feeling better about their own competency than they had before. (At this writing, the results from Katrina aren’t in yet.)
Not to be confused with the power of positive thinking or trying to see the bad event as not so bad, the bright side has to do with finding the good, whatever form it takes, within the bad and proceeding from there. And as they proceed from there, “people grow resources and gain skills, wisdom, strength they didn’t know they had,” Folk-man says. “They review priorities; they have new meaningful goals; they live more in the moment.” It irritates Folkman when the accusation of denial comes up. “This is not denial. These people know what’s wrong. They just want to feel as good as they can.”
We cheery survivors of bum raps meet with a lot of in credulity, but not from one another. We know what’s up. What’s up is better than anyone could have imagined. We ourselves couldn’t have imagined it — before. It also turns out that if pain — physical and/or emotional pain — has been endured, one feels even more powerful and positive. “Paradoxical—or adversarial—growth” is what the studies call it. Meaning, the worse it’s been, the better, stronger, more powerful one winds up feeling.
I do suspect that the ability to find the prize — the bright side —has at least partly to do with one’s nature. And one’s nature has partly to do with one’s parents’ natures. I think my own post-bum-rap cheer, for example, has a lot to do with my mother. My mother’s glass was chronically half full. That kind of take on life is not the same as optimism, by the way. It isn’t that my mother expected that things would turn out well. She thought they had turned out well. When I got breast cancer, for example, of course she was upset at first, but ultimately, she shrugged. What’s a little cancer? Practically everyone has it. Besides, she added merrily, buying the surgeon’s comforting cliché, “they got it all!”
But even if you don’t start out with a positive nature, it’s still mighty pleasant to have escaped from what might have been The End. The end of marriage equals the end of happiness; the end of a job means the end of self-esteem. Cancer means The End, period. Not! People are so delighted and proud to be hanging in there. For some, it’s a triumph just to be breathing. “I had X, but here I am,” they exclaim — I exclaim! — as if they — I — had scaled a wall and made it down a rope to the ground. In a way they — we — have, and on the way down, moreover, we have learned a few things; we are enlightened, enriched, we have become improved versions of ourselves. Here, then, are some of the things I and my fellow bum-rappers have learned. We’ve learned the hard way. Not, it turns out, a bad way to learn—especially about the bright side and how bright it can be.
Excerpted from “Here's the Bright Side” by Betty Rollin (c) 2007 by Betty Rollin. Published by arrangement with Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.
© 2007 MSNBC Interactive
Saturday, April 14, 2007
It's the Weekend!
Not much going on today. Trying to find the energy to clean up the house somewhat and do laundry. I've been feeling both hot and cold for the past couple of days... clammy, I guess. Terrible feeling. Plus, the taste of food is aweful, so I can only eat fruits and steamed veggies. Everything else is pretty gross. It's hard to stay hydrated this way.
I have so many things that I want to get done, and I just don't have the energy. It's funny, though. People don't really "get" how little energy I have.
I'll say to someone, "I have no energy today."
And the'll reply with, "Yeah, me neither."
No, really.
I have motivation.
I have things that I want to do.
Things that I'd like to do.
I literally have NO ENERGY!
It is physically difficult to get up and do the things that need to be done.
Oh well.
Plus, the weather has warmed back up and it's beautiful again, so our friends want to go on a motorcycle ride... I don't have the energy for that, even with the sissy bar!
Ash wants to go to the pool... the hot sun (plus getting Carley ready and carrying all our stuff) literally drains the life out of me.
When I don't feel good, I really just want to be left alone, but life doesn't stop.
Ashleigh still wants her hair highlighted.
Carley still wants to eat dinner (I dunno why... she ate yesterday!).
It's all very exhausting.
So, that's how I'm feeling lately. So many things that I want to do, so many things that will have to be put off until they can be done.
Maybe I'll just go take a nap for a little while....
I have so many things that I want to get done, and I just don't have the energy. It's funny, though. People don't really "get" how little energy I have.
I'll say to someone, "I have no energy today."
And the'll reply with, "Yeah, me neither."
No, really.
I have motivation.
I have things that I want to do.
Things that I'd like to do.
I literally have NO ENERGY!
It is physically difficult to get up and do the things that need to be done.
Oh well.
Plus, the weather has warmed back up and it's beautiful again, so our friends want to go on a motorcycle ride... I don't have the energy for that, even with the sissy bar!
Ash wants to go to the pool... the hot sun (plus getting Carley ready and carrying all our stuff) literally drains the life out of me.
When I don't feel good, I really just want to be left alone, but life doesn't stop.
Ashleigh still wants her hair highlighted.
Carley still wants to eat dinner (I dunno why... she ate yesterday!).
It's all very exhausting.
So, that's how I'm feeling lately. So many things that I want to do, so many things that will have to be put off until they can be done.
Maybe I'll just go take a nap for a little while....
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Yesterday's chemo is catching up to me
Hey, everyone! Yesterday's chemo is finally catching up to me. I got up this morning and took Carley to school, then pressure washed the driveway. Tim planted a bunch of bushes in front of the house yesterday afternoon, and mud kept getting tracked into the house, so that needed to be taken care of. I cancelled Paxil's vet appointment, because he sounds like he's starting to feel better. Whatever it was, it seems to be going away. So, I just got out of the bath, and was drinking a bottle of water when I realized that my tastebuds are leaving me.... food was fun while it lasted. That's one of the yucky side-affects of the chemo. Food tastes terrible! Every time I can start to taset food again, they give me another big dose of the crap. I'll be so glad when this is over! So, now I'm whipped, and I'm headed off to bed for a couple of hours. Hope everyone has a nice day! Hugz, ~Brenda
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Yup, it's Tuesday again.
Hey, everyone! I went yesterday and got my blood test done, and everything came out normal. So, today they gave me my big dose of chemo. It usually takes about 24 hours before I start to feel crappy, but I'm already feeling a little drained and run down tonight. Oh well, I'll just go to bed after I write this.
The house is moving along slowly. The bedroom and stairway is all drywalled in, and they've been working on the bathroom. It'll be pretty cool once it's all done, and then we have room for people to visit us! Maybe we'll be able to clean all of the construction stuff out of the garage and start having people over to hang out at the bar again. That would be nice, because I miss playing darts. The last party we had was for Halloween.
In other news, the girls are doing fine. We celebrated Easter with baskets, then went to Kevin and Tammy's house for dinner and an egg hunt. We had ham, turkey, mashed potatoes, a 7-layer salad, macaroni and cheese, rolls, deviled eggs and stuffing. Of course, Tim ate so many eggs that he just about killed me Sunday night in bed... he was so stinky!!! lol.
By the way, Kevin came home from the hospital on Wednesday after his heart attack. He's doing much better now, but I'm sure he's bored. He's been working full time pretty much his whole life, so he has no idea what to do with himself. So, I've been watching him like a Mother Hen to keep him out of trouble. I'm sure it probably drives him nuts, but we don't want him rushing back into too much physical activity too soon, until he's cleared from the doctor. I'm sure I'm driving him nuts! Oh well!!!
Let's see... oh, I need to take my poor kitty to the vet tomorrow. His "meower" has been broken since Friday. He always comes into the bedroom and "talks" to us, and lately, his Meow has sounded like the batteries dying in a child's toy. I don't know if cats can get laryngitis, but that's what it sounds like. He acts fine otherwise. Still as crazy as ever!
One more thing, Tim talked to our friend, JD on the phone tonight. Some of you may be familiar with who he is, but for those that don't know, we got to know him and his family when we lived in Spain. They let us live with them for a little while when we moved back to the states, and then they ended up moving back to Rota. He had given us the painting of the lady in our bar. Anyways, he got onto me for not being on here often enough lately! I had to idea that there were actually people out there that checked this site daily! Oops! Here's the thing:
Since I don't work, and I feel like the only thing really going on in my life is cancer and construction, I can't think of anything interesting to get on here and talk about! I promise that I will try harder to keep everyone more informed, though. I realize that a lot of people that I don't talk to too often probably worry when I don't get on here for a while. They must think that something has happened to me. Don't worry too much. Nothing has happened. I do get depressed somewhat because I feel like I have no purpose in life. I get up, take Carley to school and then pick her up in the afternoon. I attempt to straighten out the house and do laundry when it needs it, but with construction, cleaning is pretty much useless. So, I'm bored, and therefore, feel my life is boring. So, I'M SORRY for not being more vigilant.
One more thing, I'd like to say hello to all of our friends in Spain! I can't begin to tell you how much all of our family misses being over there. We miss our friends, the places we used to go, the things we used to do, the carnivals and ferias, the beach being so close... mostly, I think we miss hanging out at the Residencia. So, I wanted to send love and hugs to everyone over there. Paqui, JD tells me that you've been able to find out what your headaches were being caused from. I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better! What a relief. Huge hugs to you, too. Thank you, everyone, that had a part in sending us the care package, too! I love all of the beautiful scarves. The olives are awesome!!! I think we miss those the most. Also, Tim's busted open two of the bottles of Cruz that were sent. He saves them for special occasions like someone would a fine wine. He's too cute.
I guess that's about it for now. Like I said, I'll put a lot more effort into being on here a lot more often like I used to be. Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!
Love and Hugz from our family, ~Brenda
The house is moving along slowly. The bedroom and stairway is all drywalled in, and they've been working on the bathroom. It'll be pretty cool once it's all done, and then we have room for people to visit us! Maybe we'll be able to clean all of the construction stuff out of the garage and start having people over to hang out at the bar again. That would be nice, because I miss playing darts. The last party we had was for Halloween.
In other news, the girls are doing fine. We celebrated Easter with baskets, then went to Kevin and Tammy's house for dinner and an egg hunt. We had ham, turkey, mashed potatoes, a 7-layer salad, macaroni and cheese, rolls, deviled eggs and stuffing. Of course, Tim ate so many eggs that he just about killed me Sunday night in bed... he was so stinky!!! lol.
By the way, Kevin came home from the hospital on Wednesday after his heart attack. He's doing much better now, but I'm sure he's bored. He's been working full time pretty much his whole life, so he has no idea what to do with himself. So, I've been watching him like a Mother Hen to keep him out of trouble. I'm sure it probably drives him nuts, but we don't want him rushing back into too much physical activity too soon, until he's cleared from the doctor. I'm sure I'm driving him nuts! Oh well!!!
Let's see... oh, I need to take my poor kitty to the vet tomorrow. His "meower" has been broken since Friday. He always comes into the bedroom and "talks" to us, and lately, his Meow has sounded like the batteries dying in a child's toy. I don't know if cats can get laryngitis, but that's what it sounds like. He acts fine otherwise. Still as crazy as ever!
One more thing, Tim talked to our friend, JD on the phone tonight. Some of you may be familiar with who he is, but for those that don't know, we got to know him and his family when we lived in Spain. They let us live with them for a little while when we moved back to the states, and then they ended up moving back to Rota. He had given us the painting of the lady in our bar. Anyways, he got onto me for not being on here often enough lately! I had to idea that there were actually people out there that checked this site daily! Oops! Here's the thing:
Since I don't work, and I feel like the only thing really going on in my life is cancer and construction, I can't think of anything interesting to get on here and talk about! I promise that I will try harder to keep everyone more informed, though. I realize that a lot of people that I don't talk to too often probably worry when I don't get on here for a while. They must think that something has happened to me. Don't worry too much. Nothing has happened. I do get depressed somewhat because I feel like I have no purpose in life. I get up, take Carley to school and then pick her up in the afternoon. I attempt to straighten out the house and do laundry when it needs it, but with construction, cleaning is pretty much useless. So, I'm bored, and therefore, feel my life is boring. So, I'M SORRY for not being more vigilant.
One more thing, I'd like to say hello to all of our friends in Spain! I can't begin to tell you how much all of our family misses being over there. We miss our friends, the places we used to go, the things we used to do, the carnivals and ferias, the beach being so close... mostly, I think we miss hanging out at the Residencia. So, I wanted to send love and hugs to everyone over there. Paqui, JD tells me that you've been able to find out what your headaches were being caused from. I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better! What a relief. Huge hugs to you, too. Thank you, everyone, that had a part in sending us the care package, too! I love all of the beautiful scarves. The olives are awesome!!! I think we miss those the most. Also, Tim's busted open two of the bottles of Cruz that were sent. He saves them for special occasions like someone would a fine wine. He's too cute.
I guess that's about it for now. Like I said, I'll put a lot more effort into being on here a lot more often like I used to be. Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!
Love and Hugz from our family, ~Brenda
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Ok, it's been a while, I guess.
Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't posted since the 22nd of March. I just haven't been motivated to get online lately. As I've mentioned before, the only thing really going on in my life has been cancer. I was supposed to have my "big dose" of chemo today, but couldn't, because my platelets were too low. So, they just gave me the Herceptin and sent me home. Hopefully, everything will be good enough by next week.
So, April. It's been an interesting month for my best friend, Tammy, and her family. We went to a friend's house to hang out on Saturday night, and Tim and Kevin left in the truck and Tammy and I were going to leave in the Jeep. Well, by this time, it was about 3am or so on Sunday (April Fool's Day), and Tim dropped Kevin at his house and then went home. About 10 minutes later, Kevin called him and said he thought he was having a heart attack. After Tim left, his chest got real tight and started to hurt, he got clammy, and felt like he was going to throw up.
(Looking back, he'd made a couple of comments throughout the day that were a little unusual, too. He mentioned that for some reason, he couldn't find a t-shirt that fit right. They all just felt uncomfortable around his shoulders and chest. Then, at our friend's party, everyone kept talking about how good the chicken was, and he told me not to eat it because it wasn't sitting right. He thought something was wrong with it.)
So, anyways, Tim headed right over and gave Kevin 4 baby aspirins (he keeps them in his truck because he gets heart palpitations when he's stressed) and then rushed Kevin to Orange Park Medical Center. No sooner had they walked in the door, the nurse was getting a wheelchair and Tim was giving information to the registering nurse, and Kevin just collapsed. He flat-lined and they had to actually bring him back! So, Tammy and I met them at the hospital and got to see him just for a minute before they life-flighted him to St. Vincint's hospital, where he had to have a stint put into his artery. Apparently, the artery was 100% clogged and he was a "ticking time bomb" according to the doctor. They said that Tim got him there just in time and the baby aspirin is probably the only thing that helped him hold out until he got to the ER. If he'd collapsed any sooner, he probably wouldn't have lived.
Scary stuff!
THEN, Tammy and Kevin's neighbors don't like them (because when we were in Daytona last month, the dad punched his 15 year old daughter for protecting the 4 year old twin daughters from him, and she ran to Kevin and Tammy's house and their daughters let her in and called the cops), so the neighbors are mad and find the dumbest things to harass them about.
So, on Sunday night, the older daughter had a friend over, and the bumper of her truck was sticking out of the driveway a little ways, blocking the corner of the neighbor's driveway (they're in a culdesac). Instead of knocking on the door and asking her to move the truck forward, they start kicking the side of the house, beating on the door, yelling at the teenagers and Kevin's wife and cussing at them. THEN, they actually called the cops, trying to say that the teenagers started it! This was Sunday night, the first night Kevin was in the hospital.
Then, they thought they'd be cute and call child services and try to report the family. Their daughters are ages 16 and 17, but have both dropped out of school. Even though they're not in school, they both have full-time jobs and are working on their GEDs. Then, they said that Kevin and Tammy drink in excess every night in front of their "children." (People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.) So, child services actually showed up at the critical care unit of the hospital at Kevin's room! Fortunately, Tammy was walking out and he talked to her before Kevin every knew he was even there. So, they're going to be filing complaints against child services and against the neighbors for harassment. Right now, for Kevin's heart's sake, he doesn't know yet, though.
Oh, but it gets better! By the time we got Tammy back to the house on Monday night after visiting hours were over, we found out that someone had broken into their house and stole a bunch of stuff! Turns out, it was some people that the older daughter knew and had found out that she'd gotten paid and hadn't gotten to the bank to deposit the money yet. So, they broke in, let the dogs loose to run off, stole the money, and whatever else they could carry out of the house quickly. So, we were all up waiting on the police and the CSI guy until about 3 am this morning. Needless to say, Kevin doesn't know about this yet, either.
When it rains, it pours. I feel so bad for them! Fortunately, Tim has been a lot of help for Tammy while Kevin has been in the hospital. Him and his friend, Tom went over and put motion sensor lights and new locks on her house for her today. He's also helped out by talking to the cops and the neighbors and so on. Poor Tammy doesn't handle stress too well, so we're lucky that Tim's there to help, or else she'd be in a bed next to Kevin by now!
I guess that's really about it for now. The girls are doing fine. Carley's class is having an Easter Egg Hunt tomorrow that she's all excited about. Ash got grounded because she had a D on her report card in one of her classes. She's also upset because her boyfriend of 10 months broke up with her. So, we've had more drama lately than I can handle!
The upstairs is coming along very nicely. The stairway is drywalled, the bedroom is drywalled, the shower is boarded in and ready for a shower pan to be poured, the "toilet room" is drywalled in, and the bathtub and vanity areas are spray painted on the floor. The jacuzzi bathtub that will be going in is currently downstairs in the box in the dining room. lol! My house is nuts right now. The garage is full of a/c ducting, insulation, and drywall. The tub is in the dining room, and there are boxes full of stuff in the foyer.
So, WELCOME TO MY WORLD! It's never a dull moment down here, I have to say. I hope everyone else's lives are a little less hectic right now!
Love, ~Brenda
So, April. It's been an interesting month for my best friend, Tammy, and her family. We went to a friend's house to hang out on Saturday night, and Tim and Kevin left in the truck and Tammy and I were going to leave in the Jeep. Well, by this time, it was about 3am or so on Sunday (April Fool's Day), and Tim dropped Kevin at his house and then went home. About 10 minutes later, Kevin called him and said he thought he was having a heart attack. After Tim left, his chest got real tight and started to hurt, he got clammy, and felt like he was going to throw up.
(Looking back, he'd made a couple of comments throughout the day that were a little unusual, too. He mentioned that for some reason, he couldn't find a t-shirt that fit right. They all just felt uncomfortable around his shoulders and chest. Then, at our friend's party, everyone kept talking about how good the chicken was, and he told me not to eat it because it wasn't sitting right. He thought something was wrong with it.)
So, anyways, Tim headed right over and gave Kevin 4 baby aspirins (he keeps them in his truck because he gets heart palpitations when he's stressed) and then rushed Kevin to Orange Park Medical Center. No sooner had they walked in the door, the nurse was getting a wheelchair and Tim was giving information to the registering nurse, and Kevin just collapsed. He flat-lined and they had to actually bring him back! So, Tammy and I met them at the hospital and got to see him just for a minute before they life-flighted him to St. Vincint's hospital, where he had to have a stint put into his artery. Apparently, the artery was 100% clogged and he was a "ticking time bomb" according to the doctor. They said that Tim got him there just in time and the baby aspirin is probably the only thing that helped him hold out until he got to the ER. If he'd collapsed any sooner, he probably wouldn't have lived.
Scary stuff!
THEN, Tammy and Kevin's neighbors don't like them (because when we were in Daytona last month, the dad punched his 15 year old daughter for protecting the 4 year old twin daughters from him, and she ran to Kevin and Tammy's house and their daughters let her in and called the cops), so the neighbors are mad and find the dumbest things to harass them about.
So, on Sunday night, the older daughter had a friend over, and the bumper of her truck was sticking out of the driveway a little ways, blocking the corner of the neighbor's driveway (they're in a culdesac). Instead of knocking on the door and asking her to move the truck forward, they start kicking the side of the house, beating on the door, yelling at the teenagers and Kevin's wife and cussing at them. THEN, they actually called the cops, trying to say that the teenagers started it! This was Sunday night, the first night Kevin was in the hospital.
Then, they thought they'd be cute and call child services and try to report the family. Their daughters are ages 16 and 17, but have both dropped out of school. Even though they're not in school, they both have full-time jobs and are working on their GEDs. Then, they said that Kevin and Tammy drink in excess every night in front of their "children." (People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.) So, child services actually showed up at the critical care unit of the hospital at Kevin's room! Fortunately, Tammy was walking out and he talked to her before Kevin every knew he was even there. So, they're going to be filing complaints against child services and against the neighbors for harassment. Right now, for Kevin's heart's sake, he doesn't know yet, though.
Oh, but it gets better! By the time we got Tammy back to the house on Monday night after visiting hours were over, we found out that someone had broken into their house and stole a bunch of stuff! Turns out, it was some people that the older daughter knew and had found out that she'd gotten paid and hadn't gotten to the bank to deposit the money yet. So, they broke in, let the dogs loose to run off, stole the money, and whatever else they could carry out of the house quickly. So, we were all up waiting on the police and the CSI guy until about 3 am this morning. Needless to say, Kevin doesn't know about this yet, either.
When it rains, it pours. I feel so bad for them! Fortunately, Tim has been a lot of help for Tammy while Kevin has been in the hospital. Him and his friend, Tom went over and put motion sensor lights and new locks on her house for her today. He's also helped out by talking to the cops and the neighbors and so on. Poor Tammy doesn't handle stress too well, so we're lucky that Tim's there to help, or else she'd be in a bed next to Kevin by now!
I guess that's really about it for now. The girls are doing fine. Carley's class is having an Easter Egg Hunt tomorrow that she's all excited about. Ash got grounded because she had a D on her report card in one of her classes. She's also upset because her boyfriend of 10 months broke up with her. So, we've had more drama lately than I can handle!
The upstairs is coming along very nicely. The stairway is drywalled, the bedroom is drywalled, the shower is boarded in and ready for a shower pan to be poured, the "toilet room" is drywalled in, and the bathtub and vanity areas are spray painted on the floor. The jacuzzi bathtub that will be going in is currently downstairs in the box in the dining room. lol! My house is nuts right now. The garage is full of a/c ducting, insulation, and drywall. The tub is in the dining room, and there are boxes full of stuff in the foyer.
So, WELCOME TO MY WORLD! It's never a dull moment down here, I have to say. I hope everyone else's lives are a little less hectic right now!
Love, ~Brenda
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Life lately
I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.
Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.
Friends call and I don't want to answer the phone because I have nothing to talk about.
My house is a mess because of constant construction, so I figure... what's the point in cleaning?
We're running tight on money and I feel like a complete leech because I can't contribute right now. All I ever do is sit around the house and just rot away. I'd like to go for a walk or something, but honestly, just doing little things tends to wear me out.
I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.
Then, the cherry on the cake was on Monday. A friend died recently while mowing his lawn and they had the memorial service. From what I understand, it was a heart attack. I would much rather go like that, than rot away watching your own demise. But, this friend, Mark, was not very old. 57, in fact. He was a very kind, optimistic, caring person. I knew him because he and his wife, Barb, would come into the bar where I worked. Once they found out I had cancer, they made it a point to come in and see how I was doing. I never had the opportunity to get to know Mark outside of the bar, but just to have had him touch my life in that small form meant a lot.
So, attending his memorial service really made me do some thinking. Life is short, and you only get one swing at this. I've always believed that, but it sure was hit home the other day. I'm wondering if I should plan my own memorial service... Just In Case. I do have certain things that I'd prefer. For instance, I'd prefer a "celebration of life" over a memorial. I'd like to be cremated, but haven't decided where I'd like my ashes spread. I'm leaning towards somewhere in Spain. I really do need to do some thinking on this.
Besides all of that, the girls are doing fine. They're on Spring Break this week. The upstairs is coming along nicely, and drywall is going up. A whole bunch of us are going on a motorcycle ride this Saturday. We're meeting up and riding to a local theatre where they're sectioning off a part of the parking lot for all the bikes and reserving a theatre for us all to see the movie Wild Hogs. All the bikers that I've talked to that have seen it said it was hilarious. The non-bikers that I've talked to didn't find it as funny. I guess they just don't get the whole biker mentality.
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. Take care! Love, ~B
Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.
Friends call and I don't want to answer the phone because I have nothing to talk about.
My house is a mess because of constant construction, so I figure... what's the point in cleaning?
We're running tight on money and I feel like a complete leech because I can't contribute right now. All I ever do is sit around the house and just rot away. I'd like to go for a walk or something, but honestly, just doing little things tends to wear me out.
I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.
Then, the cherry on the cake was on Monday. A friend died recently while mowing his lawn and they had the memorial service. From what I understand, it was a heart attack. I would much rather go like that, than rot away watching your own demise. But, this friend, Mark, was not very old. 57, in fact. He was a very kind, optimistic, caring person. I knew him because he and his wife, Barb, would come into the bar where I worked. Once they found out I had cancer, they made it a point to come in and see how I was doing. I never had the opportunity to get to know Mark outside of the bar, but just to have had him touch my life in that small form meant a lot.
So, attending his memorial service really made me do some thinking. Life is short, and you only get one swing at this. I've always believed that, but it sure was hit home the other day. I'm wondering if I should plan my own memorial service... Just In Case. I do have certain things that I'd prefer. For instance, I'd prefer a "celebration of life" over a memorial. I'd like to be cremated, but haven't decided where I'd like my ashes spread. I'm leaning towards somewhere in Spain. I really do need to do some thinking on this.
Besides all of that, the girls are doing fine. They're on Spring Break this week. The upstairs is coming along nicely, and drywall is going up. A whole bunch of us are going on a motorcycle ride this Saturday. We're meeting up and riding to a local theatre where they're sectioning off a part of the parking lot for all the bikes and reserving a theatre for us all to see the movie Wild Hogs. All the bikers that I've talked to that have seen it said it was hilarious. The non-bikers that I've talked to didn't find it as funny. I guess they just don't get the whole biker mentality.
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. Take care! Love, ~B
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Happy Birthday, Carley!
Well, we went to bike week, had a LOT of fun! I'm so glad that my dr. let me wait until this week to do my large dose of chemo. I couldn't have hung out nearly as much if I'd had it. As it was, I still had a tough time keeping up, just because I get tired pretty easily. No matter, though. We had a blast!
We got home on Monday afternoon, and the girls did fine while we were gone. Carley got to spend the weekend with Kayla and Lexi, Keith and Tammy's little girls. They're close enough that they might as well be cousins, so she enjoyed her time over there. Ash spend the weekend with Billie's daughter, Jasmine. She's one of the kids that stayed with us while her Dad was on his six month deployment a few years ago. She was 12 at the time, and just graduated high school this past year! Wow, how time flies.
I also got my blood test on Monday. I was worried that it would be pure beer... lol! But, the dr. said that I looked great, and my numbers were all finally back up, I'm not anemic right now. Thank goodness, because the shot they give you for that is painful! I also got my large dose of chemo yesterday, and so far everything is doing fine. I was tired, and had a little stomachache, but otherwise I'm good. Tim and I even went to Target to shop for Carley's birthday.
My little one is 6 today! She's having some friends over Friday evening for a small party. She's so excited about it!!! Also, side note... my friend, Jannian's birthday is on Saturday of this week.... St. Patty's Day! Happy birthday, Jannian!
I guess that's all the news for now. I posted a new picture from this weekend, with my "long hair" wig. I love this pic of Tim and I.
Hope you're all doing well! Love,~B
We got home on Monday afternoon, and the girls did fine while we were gone. Carley got to spend the weekend with Kayla and Lexi, Keith and Tammy's little girls. They're close enough that they might as well be cousins, so she enjoyed her time over there. Ash spend the weekend with Billie's daughter, Jasmine. She's one of the kids that stayed with us while her Dad was on his six month deployment a few years ago. She was 12 at the time, and just graduated high school this past year! Wow, how time flies.
I also got my blood test on Monday. I was worried that it would be pure beer... lol! But, the dr. said that I looked great, and my numbers were all finally back up, I'm not anemic right now. Thank goodness, because the shot they give you for that is painful! I also got my large dose of chemo yesterday, and so far everything is doing fine. I was tired, and had a little stomachache, but otherwise I'm good. Tim and I even went to Target to shop for Carley's birthday.
My little one is 6 today! She's having some friends over Friday evening for a small party. She's so excited about it!!! Also, side note... my friend, Jannian's birthday is on Saturday of this week.... St. Patty's Day! Happy birthday, Jannian!
I guess that's all the news for now. I posted a new picture from this weekend, with my "long hair" wig. I love this pic of Tim and I.
Hope you're all doing well! Love,~B
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Angels and bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer
Angels and Bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer
By: Karen Ritchie M.D.
When you are diagnosed with cancer, strange things happen to other people. Cancer will probably change you, but it also changes people around you, people you thought you knew.
People behave in unexpected ways. Some you thought were friends disappear. Others hang around. And of those who keep coming around, you will be glad to see some, and less glad to see others.
You will find out who your friends are, as the saying goes. As if that's a good thing. As if anyone ever really wants to find out who can be counted on and who can't. Someone you rarely saw and didn't feel particularly close to may turn out to be the person who is most supportive, who most understands what you are going through.
Although each person's cancer experience is unique, there are some commonalities. The following is a guide to the creatures you may encounter.
Preachers
Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information. They are convinced that they know what is best for you, and they go out of their way to share their answers. They bring you books and tapes, herbs and pills, or they know where you can send money - usually a lot of money - to obtain a product that is guaranteed to cure you. This guarantee, on closer examination, turns out to be more like a strong opinion.
So they will assure you that vegetarians don't get cancer, or meditators don't get cancer, or those who think happy thoughts. None of which is true. They bring you tofu and sprouts when you really want a pizza, and then you feel guilty for eating pizza at all. They insist that you think positive, at a time when you are bald and nauseated and have a temperature of 104 and a major body part is missing.
Preachers are usually well-meaning and sincerely concerned for your welfare, so they are hard to ignore. They are convinced that the one thing they promote is the thing that will cure your cancer, if you only do it correctly. This last part is the kicker - if it doesn't work, you must not be doing it right.
Clueless
The clueless make inane comments. These comments usually fall into one of three categories:
- Cancer is not really a problem. (e.g., Losing your hair/body part/health is not really a problem.)
- Cancer is really a blessing. (You'll find out who your friends are. Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong.)
- You caused your cancer.(Remember that time you had a negative thought? You are not praying hard enough.)
If preachers are honestly concerned for your welfare, the clueless are primarily concerned about themselves. They want you to be cheerful because it makes them more comfortable (this includes some health care personnel). Those who deny their own sadness and grief do not want to hear about yours.
The clueless want to believe that the world makes sense, that it is fair and just, that people get what they deserve. They are willing to ignore any evidence to the contrary. They don't really understand your situation; they cannot see your illness from your perspective. They are not interested enough to understand, or they are too fearful of their own well being.
But their ignorance is not your problem. Education of the clueless is extremely time-consuming and frequently doomed. It should be undertaken only in desperate circumstances, or out of sheer boredom. These people are exhausting. You may have to decide whether their company is worth the emotional cost, as you are likely to end up taking care of them.
Bolters
Bolters disappear when you are diagnosed with cancer. The bolter is someone who was always around before you had cancer, but now does not call and does not show up. Bolters may or may not send a card before they leave.
When questioned, bolters make excuses: they knew you were tired, or they knew you would ask if you needed anything, thus blaming their absence on you. Like the clueless, their distance reflects their own discomfort. They stay away because they are afraid of their own sadness or their own mortality.
A related creature is the virtual bolter. Virtual bolters may be physically present but act as if you were no longer there. They ignore you, as if you were invisible. You find yourself not invited to events, as if you didn't exist. You are suddenly excluded from a weekly meeting you have attended for years.
Like the clueless, bolters are generally resistant to logic and are thought to be incurable. When they are caught and questioned they blame others, and it may be best to simply let them go.
Angels
Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They drop by with a bag of groceries or they offer to walk the dog. They will listen when you need to talk, or they can just sit next to you and be there without having to do anything or say anything. They know that just being there is doing something. Angels tread lightly because they have no agenda of their own.
They treat you like the person you always were. They know that despite the cancer you are still you. Sometimes angels just know what you need, and sometimes they need to ask. An angel knows how to listen to the answer, how to listen to what you say and to what you're not saying. You can cry with angels and you can laugh with them, sometimes both at the same time. Some are born angels. Others have to learn, which takes time and may be awkward at first.
Fellow Travelers
For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey. Family members become fellow travelers out of necessity. Others stick with you by choice.
When you have cancer, they have it too. And in some ways their journey is harder, a time of frustration and powerlessness. While you can fight the cancer, they can only observe.
Fellow travelers want to be supportive, although at first they may not know how. They can become angels but it will take time. Most of us are not good listeners, and it takes a while to learn. You can help by being patient and by asking for what you need.
The clueless are right about one thing - there are good things about having cancer. The best is the opportunity for a closer relationship with those who care about you. And, of course, you learn who your friends are.
From the book Angels and Bolters: Women's Cancer Scripts
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Happy Wednesday, everyone!
Well, it's hump-day, and bike week in Daytona. I got my weekly Herceptin yesterday, and we were on the bikes by noon, headed south. We didn't get home until about 11:00 last night, and we froze our butts off on the way home. I thought I would never be warm again.... yuck! lol. But, we have a condo rented for this weekend, with a pool, hot tub, and everything. Plus, it's right by main street, so we'll pretty much walk everywhere we go. We're taking the truck down there, and I'm gonna find a grocery story to stock food for us, so we're not spending a fortune on that stuff. I'm excited! We're gonna have a blast.
Otherwise, all's going well. I was supposed to get the big dose of chemo this week, but my dr. agreed to wait a week so I could enjoy myself in Daytona this weekend. So, the big dose is next Tuesday now. Since it's been 3 weeks since my last big dose, I've been feeling pretty good. My only side-effect right now is that I get tired and worn out pretty easily.
In other news, the upstairs addition is moving very slowly. The girls are doing great, spoiled rotten! And Tim is taking his final for his algebra class on Thursday and he'll be finished with that. I know he'll be happy to have that over with!
I guess that's about it for now. Love and hugz, ~Brenda
Otherwise, all's going well. I was supposed to get the big dose of chemo this week, but my dr. agreed to wait a week so I could enjoy myself in Daytona this weekend. So, the big dose is next Tuesday now. Since it's been 3 weeks since my last big dose, I've been feeling pretty good. My only side-effect right now is that I get tired and worn out pretty easily.
In other news, the upstairs addition is moving very slowly. The girls are doing great, spoiled rotten! And Tim is taking his final for his algebra class on Thursday and he'll be finished with that. I know he'll be happy to have that over with!
I guess that's about it for now. Love and hugz, ~Brenda
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Been pretty busy!
Hi, everyone! Sorry I haven't been posting as often as usual lately. My best friend, Tammy has been off work last week and this week (until March 14), so she's been keeping me busy. We've gone thrift-store shopping, planning our trip to Daytona for bike week, visiting her Dad's grave site, and basically just hanging out. It's been a lot of fun, but I don't have too much time to sit down and get onto the computer lately.
So, needless to say, I haven't been feeling too badly. I got my herceptin injection today. No bad side-affects. It usually just makes me feel a little light-headed for about an hour afterwards, so Tim took me to Lowe's to look at bathtubs, sinks, etc. for our upstairs, and so I rode around in the little handicapped cart. It was fun, but I kept hitting things when I turned, because it turned SO sharply. It was funny.
Oh, and my doctor agreed to postpone next week's chemo treatment until the week after bike week, so I wouldn't feel sick in Daytona. YAY! She said I wasn't allowed to make it a habit, though. I told her that I called Daytona's mayor and tried to get them to reschedule bike week around my treatment schedule, and he actually told me that because there were so many other people in the United States that had already taken vacation time and made plans for that week that rescheduling was out of the question. Go figure.... lol! So, I guess I'm not as important as I thought! lol. j/k
Not too much going on right now. Tim's taking time off work to grow out his beard before bike week, and using the time to work on our upstairs. It's going slowly but surely. Not fast enough in my opinion, but I am not really known for my patience.
In other news, Tim and I took the girls to a Monster Truck Jam last Saturday. It was so much fun!!!! Even Ashleigh got into it. I thought Carley's eyes would bug out of her head. A good time was had by all. We watched busses get smashed by monster trucks, we saw a couple of them flip over, one broke an axle, one lost an entire wheel and kept going. One even caught on fire and the guy dove out the window. Very exciting show, let me tell you! So, it was a fun way to spend the weekend.
For those of you not in Florida right now, the weather has been beautiful! I took the top off my jeep yesterday, and it was actually hot out today! I don't know how long this will last, but we're loving it! I drove my little cart through the garden section of Lowe's today, just to smell the spring flowers.... I'm so excited about planting flowers and I want a garden... I just don't have a place for it, because the squirrels will eat anything I plant. Little buggers.
Oh, and in other news, Tammy and I are talking about opening up a flower shop. She used to own one and had to sell it when her Dad got really sick about 10 years ago. But since I'm prior military, I may be eligible for a government small business grant. I'll have to do some research, but if we can get the money and find a location, we would like to go into business together. There is so much growth in our area right now, that we should be able to find a good location close to our houses, hopefully. Like I said, I'll have to do some more research on the subject. I'll keep you all updated on that.
I guess that's about it for now. Hope everyone's doing well. Love, ~Brenda
So, needless to say, I haven't been feeling too badly. I got my herceptin injection today. No bad side-affects. It usually just makes me feel a little light-headed for about an hour afterwards, so Tim took me to Lowe's to look at bathtubs, sinks, etc. for our upstairs, and so I rode around in the little handicapped cart. It was fun, but I kept hitting things when I turned, because it turned SO sharply. It was funny.
Oh, and my doctor agreed to postpone next week's chemo treatment until the week after bike week, so I wouldn't feel sick in Daytona. YAY! She said I wasn't allowed to make it a habit, though. I told her that I called Daytona's mayor and tried to get them to reschedule bike week around my treatment schedule, and he actually told me that because there were so many other people in the United States that had already taken vacation time and made plans for that week that rescheduling was out of the question. Go figure.... lol! So, I guess I'm not as important as I thought! lol. j/k
Not too much going on right now. Tim's taking time off work to grow out his beard before bike week, and using the time to work on our upstairs. It's going slowly but surely. Not fast enough in my opinion, but I am not really known for my patience.
In other news, Tim and I took the girls to a Monster Truck Jam last Saturday. It was so much fun!!!! Even Ashleigh got into it. I thought Carley's eyes would bug out of her head. A good time was had by all. We watched busses get smashed by monster trucks, we saw a couple of them flip over, one broke an axle, one lost an entire wheel and kept going. One even caught on fire and the guy dove out the window. Very exciting show, let me tell you! So, it was a fun way to spend the weekend.
For those of you not in Florida right now, the weather has been beautiful! I took the top off my jeep yesterday, and it was actually hot out today! I don't know how long this will last, but we're loving it! I drove my little cart through the garden section of Lowe's today, just to smell the spring flowers.... I'm so excited about planting flowers and I want a garden... I just don't have a place for it, because the squirrels will eat anything I plant. Little buggers.
Oh, and in other news, Tammy and I are talking about opening up a flower shop. She used to own one and had to sell it when her Dad got really sick about 10 years ago. But since I'm prior military, I may be eligible for a government small business grant. I'll have to do some research, but if we can get the money and find a location, we would like to go into business together. There is so much growth in our area right now, that we should be able to find a good location close to our houses, hopefully. Like I said, I'll have to do some more research on the subject. I'll keep you all updated on that.
I guess that's about it for now. Hope everyone's doing well. Love, ~Brenda
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Happy Birthday, Dad!
First and foremost, today is my Dad's birthday. I was taking Carley to school this morning, and had her call to wish him a Happy Birthday. He seemed to enjoy it. Mom said he was having his own little birthday party with his friends today, in the garage. Sounds like fun, wish I could be up there... except that it's COLD in Michigan! lol.
Let's see, not too much else going on. Tammy and I went and exchanged my wigs this week, so I have a "soccer mom" wig for daytime and a cool "rocker babe" one for at night. They're my disguises. We had so much fun trying on wigs, and were giggling like crazy!
I haven't been feeling too bad, other than the fact that everyone around me, including myself, seem to have sinus troubles right now. It's really dry in my house because of all the construction, so my nose bleeds sometimes and runs constantly. So, I get a lot of mucus down the back of my throat (gross!) and makes my stomach upset. On top of that, it's hard to find food that tastes good, because everything is yucky. I'm sick of sushi, so my choices are becoming more and more limited. I've finally started to just start forcing myself to eat something, even if I can't taste it, just so I"m not nauseous and/or hungry.
Otherwise, things aren't going too badly. Got a nice phone call from Jannian today. I'm trying to talk her into coming down to visit when Ray gets back from cruise. Our spare room should be done by then! Tim has class tonight, so there won't be any work done on the house. He's only got a couple of weeks left of his algebra class left, though! I know he'll be happy when that's over with.
I guess that's about it for now. Love, hugz and all that jazz.... ~Brenda
Let's see, not too much else going on. Tammy and I went and exchanged my wigs this week, so I have a "soccer mom" wig for daytime and a cool "rocker babe" one for at night. They're my disguises. We had so much fun trying on wigs, and were giggling like crazy!
I haven't been feeling too bad, other than the fact that everyone around me, including myself, seem to have sinus troubles right now. It's really dry in my house because of all the construction, so my nose bleeds sometimes and runs constantly. So, I get a lot of mucus down the back of my throat (gross!) and makes my stomach upset. On top of that, it's hard to find food that tastes good, because everything is yucky. I'm sick of sushi, so my choices are becoming more and more limited. I've finally started to just start forcing myself to eat something, even if I can't taste it, just so I"m not nauseous and/or hungry.
Otherwise, things aren't going too badly. Got a nice phone call from Jannian today. I'm trying to talk her into coming down to visit when Ray gets back from cruise. Our spare room should be done by then! Tim has class tonight, so there won't be any work done on the house. He's only got a couple of weeks left of his algebra class left, though! I know he'll be happy when that's over with.
I guess that's about it for now. Love, hugz and all that jazz.... ~Brenda
Monday, February 19, 2007
Can't sleep...
Wow, two posts in two days. What is the world coming to? Anyways, I couldn't sleep because my nose was stuffed, a million things were going through my head, and my stupid dog wouldn't stop licking himself. Very annoying sound in the middle of the night. So, I got up and took a shower in an attempt to clear my head... figuratively and literally. It really didn't help either one, to be honest. My nose is still stuffy and I've still got things running around and bumping into each other up there.
Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.
Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.
I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.
So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.
Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?
Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda
Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.
Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.
I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.
So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.
Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?
Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda
Sunday, February 18, 2007
It's been a while....
Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I haven't felt that great, and getting on here and telling the world how crappy I felt just didn't sound like that much fun. So, here's a brief review of my week...
Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.
Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.
Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.
So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.
So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.
Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.
Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.
I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:
Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.
Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.
I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.
Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.
Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"
Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.
Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.
Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.
So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.
So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.
Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.
Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.
I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:
Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.
Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.
I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.
Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.
Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
More chemo today
I went and got my usual Monday Blood Test yesterday, and I had the nicest compliment! I had one of the scarves that I bought in Spain wrapped around my head into a bun in the back, and a lady came up and said how pretty it looked and even had me show her how to do it! She was so sweet.
Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!
I do want to get on this website and order some of these, though before going to Bike Week. If you watch the videos, they look really cool and versitile. http://www.buffusa.com/index.html They're the same scarves that they give out on the Survivor shows each season, and you can do all kinds of things with them! Seemed pretty cool to me.
Going in for my second treatment of Chemo today. I'm not looking forward to that. I believe it's a conspiracy... every time I feel better and can taste food again they'll fill me full of more Drano. Bummer.
Also, by looking at my calender, we're supposed to be going to Bike Week in Daytona on the 8th-11th of March... my next treatment will be on the 6th. I wonder if I'd be able to talk my doctor into doing it either a week early or a week late. I REALLY want to go, and don't want to be sick the whole time! I plan on being a really bad-ass biker chick... no hair, are you kidding me? Who's badder than that??? Besides, I already have all my patches and my pins sewn on my bike vest, too. I'm trying to plan chemo around this, but I don't know if my Doctor will go for it. I'd hate to have to go psycho on her... j/k! lol.
I guess that's about it for now. We had a nice visit with my Mom and Dad and Grandma Marion this weekend. They were here Saturday afternoon and left around noon on Sunday to go further South in Florida. Can you blame them? It's warmer down there. They'll be back around Thursday for another couple of days. We'll probably hang around the house and BBQ or something, since I probably won't feel up to going out by then.
Anyhoo, that's the latest update. Not much new going on right now. Love and hugs to everyone! Thanks for all the great phone calls and e-mails lately! It's great to hear from people you haven't talked to in a while. Love, ~Brenda
Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!
I do want to get on this website and order some of these, though before going to Bike Week. If you watch the videos, they look really cool and versitile. http://www.buffusa.com/index.html They're the same scarves that they give out on the Survivor shows each season, and you can do all kinds of things with them! Seemed pretty cool to me.
Going in for my second treatment of Chemo today. I'm not looking forward to that. I believe it's a conspiracy... every time I feel better and can taste food again they'll fill me full of more Drano. Bummer.
Also, by looking at my calender, we're supposed to be going to Bike Week in Daytona on the 8th-11th of March... my next treatment will be on the 6th. I wonder if I'd be able to talk my doctor into doing it either a week early or a week late. I REALLY want to go, and don't want to be sick the whole time! I plan on being a really bad-ass biker chick... no hair, are you kidding me? Who's badder than that??? Besides, I already have all my patches and my pins sewn on my bike vest, too. I'm trying to plan chemo around this, but I don't know if my Doctor will go for it. I'd hate to have to go psycho on her... j/k! lol.
I guess that's about it for now. We had a nice visit with my Mom and Dad and Grandma Marion this weekend. They were here Saturday afternoon and left around noon on Sunday to go further South in Florida. Can you blame them? It's warmer down there. They'll be back around Thursday for another couple of days. We'll probably hang around the house and BBQ or something, since I probably won't feel up to going out by then.
Anyhoo, that's the latest update. Not much new going on right now. Love and hugs to everyone! Thanks for all the great phone calls and e-mails lately! It's great to hear from people you haven't talked to in a while. Love, ~Brenda
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Well, I did it.
Well, I did it. Or rather, I had Tim do it.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.
Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....
I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.
It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.
The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!
I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.
The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.
Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.
My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.
As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.
The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.
Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....
I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.
It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.
The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!
I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.
The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.
Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.
My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.
As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.
The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Down the drain....
There it goes. Down the shower drain. My hair.
It started today.
Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.
How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...
I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.
That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).
What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.
I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.
Depressing....
I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.
Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?
All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.
Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....
And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.
Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!
It started today.
Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.
How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...
I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.
That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).
What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.
I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.
Depressing....
I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.
Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?
All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.
Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....
And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.
Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Great Weekend...
Hey, everyone! I hope you all had a nice weekend. I did! I finally started to feel better and was able to enjoy a few beers. Some foods are starting to taste normal to me again, thank goodness. So, Friday, we just hung out in our garage with Kevin and Tammy. We were all pretty tired from the week, so we didn't hang out late.
Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.
Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!
Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.
I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.
I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.
Love, ~Brenda
Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.
Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!
Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.
I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.
I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.
Love, ~Brenda
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Is it Thursday already???
Wow, this week sure has seemed to fly by. On Tuesday, I took the family to my friend's house and got portraits done in her at-home studio. It was so much fun! Carley thought she'd died and went to heaven because Marie had a whole wardrobe full of dress-up clothes, gloves, purses, hats, and so on! And of course, she's a camera-hog! Even the "moody-teenager" (Ashleigh) had a good time... and admitted it! lol. Marie was showing us some of the things she can do with the shots she took and this is going to turn out so great!!! We're going to have so much fun. My long-term goal is to combine all of my blogs and the photos that Marie takes, and see if we can publish a book to help other people see and read about my experiences. I'll have to do more research, but it would be fun! Anyone know any helpful tips?
Then, on Wednesday, Tim took me back to the Oncologists office, with the understanding that we were going to try to re-introduce the Herceptin into my system, with less benadryl this time. However, I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off until the 13th of February when I'm supposed to be starting my second cycle.
Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts. Here's a website:
http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-21884-Aranesp+Injection.aspx?drugid=21884&drugname=Aranesp+Injection
Plus, I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow. It's very painful! They did a swab on it, and it showed no signs of infection. So, whatever it is that is causing it, it's not a virus, apparently. So, it just adds to my "humorous" situation.
Finally, because of the nose bleeds, sore throat, and low blood counts, the doctor decided not to do the herceptin. Instead, she decided to divide the one dose that I'm supposed to get every three weeks into smaller, weekly installments. It should be easier for my system to handle.
Today, I vacuumed the car, tried to take a nap, and then ran some errands before heading to the base for a second opinion on my throat problem. Their labs came back saying the same thing. They gave me this stuff to rinse my mouth out with that makes everything numb and tingly. It's horrible! I'd rather just not swallow at all then use that stuff.
I guess that's about it for now. We're headed to Keith and Tammy's this weekend for Lexi's 6th birthday! (Yay!) Her birthday is always a reminder that Carley's is only 6 weeks away. Guess I should start thinking about what I want to do for her. We'll see.
Not much else going on. The work on the house is SLOW to say the least. It's monsoon season outside, and Tim and Kevin are trying to move the bikes to Kevin's house so that they can put the big, long gurters in, to support the floors in the bedroom area tomorrow.... but I honestly doubt anyone will show up. Nobody has been here to work on the upstairs in 2 weeks. They keep saying that they had to wait on Curt to do some wiring... but all I've seen him wire is some temporary lights so that they can see better up there. The gurters were supposed to be here on Friday, but didn't show up until Wednesday morning. Mostly, I am just here to have the door unlocked IN CASE anyone decides to show up. So much for getting it done before we have people visiting from out of town! It's very disappointing... and to think that I was originally told that it would be done by mid-December. Sure, whatever.
Ok, sorry. That was a little cynical. I'm over it now. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I plan to sleep and try to get over this sore throat.
Love, ~Brenda
Then, on Wednesday, Tim took me back to the Oncologists office, with the understanding that we were going to try to re-introduce the Herceptin into my system, with less benadryl this time. However, I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off until the 13th of February when I'm supposed to be starting my second cycle.
Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts. Here's a website:
http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-21884-Aranesp+Injection.aspx?drugid=21884&drugname=Aranesp+Injection
Plus, I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow. It's very painful! They did a swab on it, and it showed no signs of infection. So, whatever it is that is causing it, it's not a virus, apparently. So, it just adds to my "humorous" situation.
Finally, because of the nose bleeds, sore throat, and low blood counts, the doctor decided not to do the herceptin. Instead, she decided to divide the one dose that I'm supposed to get every three weeks into smaller, weekly installments. It should be easier for my system to handle.
Today, I vacuumed the car, tried to take a nap, and then ran some errands before heading to the base for a second opinion on my throat problem. Their labs came back saying the same thing. They gave me this stuff to rinse my mouth out with that makes everything numb and tingly. It's horrible! I'd rather just not swallow at all then use that stuff.
I guess that's about it for now. We're headed to Keith and Tammy's this weekend for Lexi's 6th birthday! (Yay!) Her birthday is always a reminder that Carley's is only 6 weeks away. Guess I should start thinking about what I want to do for her. We'll see.
Not much else going on. The work on the house is SLOW to say the least. It's monsoon season outside, and Tim and Kevin are trying to move the bikes to Kevin's house so that they can put the big, long gurters in, to support the floors in the bedroom area tomorrow.... but I honestly doubt anyone will show up. Nobody has been here to work on the upstairs in 2 weeks. They keep saying that they had to wait on Curt to do some wiring... but all I've seen him wire is some temporary lights so that they can see better up there. The gurters were supposed to be here on Friday, but didn't show up until Wednesday morning. Mostly, I am just here to have the door unlocked IN CASE anyone decides to show up. So much for getting it done before we have people visiting from out of town! It's very disappointing... and to think that I was originally told that it would be done by mid-December. Sure, whatever.
Ok, sorry. That was a little cynical. I'm over it now. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I plan to sleep and try to get over this sore throat.
Love, ~Brenda
Monday, January 29, 2007
Happy Monday!
Hey, everyone! After a slightly rough weekend, this week seems to be off to an alright start. As I said in my last post, I had a small allergic reaction on Wednesday, and I've been feeling weird ever since, and every time I get one problem solved, another one pops up! Tim's already started calling me "Melman" after the hyprocondriac giraffe on Madagascar. So, in a nutshell, here's what's going on...
Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. I kept (and am still) getting aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be. So, I finally called the dr. on Friday. She had me get some Milk of Magnesia and see how that worked.
By that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda, beer... NOTHING! You know it's bad when I don't like my beer. lol! So, Tim took me to the grocery store and tried to buy some of my favorite foods to cheer me up... he said it was like shopping with Gandhi because I turned my nose up at everything! I didn't want to try my favorites because if they tasted bad, then they wouldn't be my favorites any more! So, we got a few things, and it turned into a day of experimenting to see what foods I could eat. I did try sushi, but hesitantly because I would cry if I didn't like that! Fortunately, it still tasted good to me.
So, Friday night rolls around, I am sitting in a hot bath, trying to take in liquids (nasty) and waiting for this Milk of Magnesia to work. I'm just all around miserable, unhappy, and frankly, just a little whiny. All of a sudden, I go from sitting in the tub trying to feel better to sitting on the "pot" trying to feel better. That stuff works a little too well! lol.
Once I was finally able to get that under control, I sat down in the living room to watch some TV, and I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It scared Tim because I don't ever get nose bleeds. So, he called the doctor that was "on call" at the oncologist's office. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal, so I got it to stop and we went to bed with the intention of heading to Atlanta to visit Tom and Jane on Saturday morning.
We woke up Saturday morning and started to get packed. I still had a bit of a stomachache, but I felt well enough to sit in a car all day, so I was ready to go. I was just excited to be going somewhere besides a doctor's office! Frankly, I am tired of my own house and tired of doctor's offices. I'm bored!!! lol. So, we packed and piled into the truck and stop off at Kevin and Tammy's to see if they would let the dog out while we were gone and my nose started to bleed again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd also had a nose bleed that lasted close to an hour that morning and another one in the shower before we left. Well, that was the final straw. We left the kids at Kevin and Tammy's and Tim called Tom and Jane to cancel the trip, and he took me to the hospital.
We were at the hospital for 4 or 5 hours, they ran some labs on me, and gave me 2 bags of fluid and sent me home. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, that's when I got the name "Melmen" from Tim. So, we went and got some food, then back to Kevin and Tammy's to hang out and watch a couple of movies.
Oh, I had heard that chemo makes some people lactose intolerant, though, so I decided not to eat any dairy at all on Sunday, to see if that was causing my stomachaches. My stomach felt fine all that day. So, I tried a bowl of cereal today to see if it made a difference, and YAY! it didn't. I still feel fine. What a relief that is. Can you imagine ME, growing up on a dairy farm, becoming lactose intolerant? My family would disown me for sure. lol!
So, like I said... it was a rough weekend (and I know it will get worse than this!) but I'm feeling better now. I still can't taste much, so it's really hard to force myself to eat and drink. I look at it as my weight-loss plan before bike week in Daytona. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go! I plan on being bald and having Carley put a huge biker tattoo on my head before I go. lol!!! It'll be funny.
Hugs to all. Love and miss those of you that I don't get to see often! Love, ~Brenda
Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. I kept (and am still) getting aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be. So, I finally called the dr. on Friday. She had me get some Milk of Magnesia and see how that worked.
By that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda, beer... NOTHING! You know it's bad when I don't like my beer. lol! So, Tim took me to the grocery store and tried to buy some of my favorite foods to cheer me up... he said it was like shopping with Gandhi because I turned my nose up at everything! I didn't want to try my favorites because if they tasted bad, then they wouldn't be my favorites any more! So, we got a few things, and it turned into a day of experimenting to see what foods I could eat. I did try sushi, but hesitantly because I would cry if I didn't like that! Fortunately, it still tasted good to me.
So, Friday night rolls around, I am sitting in a hot bath, trying to take in liquids (nasty) and waiting for this Milk of Magnesia to work. I'm just all around miserable, unhappy, and frankly, just a little whiny. All of a sudden, I go from sitting in the tub trying to feel better to sitting on the "pot" trying to feel better. That stuff works a little too well! lol.
Once I was finally able to get that under control, I sat down in the living room to watch some TV, and I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It scared Tim because I don't ever get nose bleeds. So, he called the doctor that was "on call" at the oncologist's office. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal, so I got it to stop and we went to bed with the intention of heading to Atlanta to visit Tom and Jane on Saturday morning.
We woke up Saturday morning and started to get packed. I still had a bit of a stomachache, but I felt well enough to sit in a car all day, so I was ready to go. I was just excited to be going somewhere besides a doctor's office! Frankly, I am tired of my own house and tired of doctor's offices. I'm bored!!! lol. So, we packed and piled into the truck and stop off at Kevin and Tammy's to see if they would let the dog out while we were gone and my nose started to bleed again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd also had a nose bleed that lasted close to an hour that morning and another one in the shower before we left. Well, that was the final straw. We left the kids at Kevin and Tammy's and Tim called Tom and Jane to cancel the trip, and he took me to the hospital.
We were at the hospital for 4 or 5 hours, they ran some labs on me, and gave me 2 bags of fluid and sent me home. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, that's when I got the name "Melmen" from Tim. So, we went and got some food, then back to Kevin and Tammy's to hang out and watch a couple of movies.
Oh, I had heard that chemo makes some people lactose intolerant, though, so I decided not to eat any dairy at all on Sunday, to see if that was causing my stomachaches. My stomach felt fine all that day. So, I tried a bowl of cereal today to see if it made a difference, and YAY! it didn't. I still feel fine. What a relief that is. Can you imagine ME, growing up on a dairy farm, becoming lactose intolerant? My family would disown me for sure. lol!
So, like I said... it was a rough weekend (and I know it will get worse than this!) but I'm feeling better now. I still can't taste much, so it's really hard to force myself to eat and drink. I look at it as my weight-loss plan before bike week in Daytona. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go! I plan on being bald and having Carley put a huge biker tattoo on my head before I go. lol!!! It'll be funny.
Hugs to all. Love and miss those of you that I don't get to see often! Love, ~Brenda
Friday, January 26, 2007
Minor Allergic Reaction
Good morning, everyone! Sorry it's take me a couple of days to get back on here to let you all know how my treatment went on Wednesday. Basically, I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds, so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail." No biggie, I guess.
Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.
If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.
Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.
Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!
On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda
Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.
If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.
Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.
Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!
On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda
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