Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I haven't felt that great, and getting on here and telling the world how crappy I felt just didn't sound like that much fun. So, here's a brief review of my week...
Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.
Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.
Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.
So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.
So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.
Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.
Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.
I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:
Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.
Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.
I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.
Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.
Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"
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