Wow, two posts in two days. What is the world coming to? Anyways, I couldn't sleep because my nose was stuffed, a million things were going through my head, and my stupid dog wouldn't stop licking himself. Very annoying sound in the middle of the night. So, I got up and took a shower in an attempt to clear my head... figuratively and literally. It really didn't help either one, to be honest. My nose is still stuffy and I've still got things running around and bumping into each other up there.
Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.
Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.
I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.
So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.
Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?
Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda
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