Well, I did it.

Well, I did it. Or rather, I had Tim do it.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.

Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....

I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.

The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!

I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.

The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.

Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.

My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.

As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.

The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.