First and foremost, today is my Dad's birthday. I was taking Carley to school this morning, and had her call to wish him a Happy Birthday. He seemed to enjoy it. Mom said he was having his own little birthday party with his friends today, in the garage. Sounds like fun, wish I could be up there... except that it's COLD in Michigan! lol.
Let's see, not too much else going on. Tammy and I went and exchanged my wigs this week, so I have a "soccer mom" wig for daytime and a cool "rocker babe" one for at night. They're my disguises. We had so much fun trying on wigs, and were giggling like crazy!
I haven't been feeling too bad, other than the fact that everyone around me, including myself, seem to have sinus troubles right now. It's really dry in my house because of all the construction, so my nose bleeds sometimes and runs constantly. So, I get a lot of mucus down the back of my throat (gross!) and makes my stomach upset. On top of that, it's hard to find food that tastes good, because everything is yucky. I'm sick of sushi, so my choices are becoming more and more limited. I've finally started to just start forcing myself to eat something, even if I can't taste it, just so I"m not nauseous and/or hungry.
Otherwise, things aren't going too badly. Got a nice phone call from Jannian today. I'm trying to talk her into coming down to visit when Ray gets back from cruise. Our spare room should be done by then! Tim has class tonight, so there won't be any work done on the house. He's only got a couple of weeks left of his algebra class left, though! I know he'll be happy when that's over with.
I guess that's about it for now. Love, hugz and all that jazz.... ~Brenda
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
Can't sleep...
Wow, two posts in two days. What is the world coming to? Anyways, I couldn't sleep because my nose was stuffed, a million things were going through my head, and my stupid dog wouldn't stop licking himself. Very annoying sound in the middle of the night. So, I got up and took a shower in an attempt to clear my head... figuratively and literally. It really didn't help either one, to be honest. My nose is still stuffy and I've still got things running around and bumping into each other up there.
Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.
Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.
I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.
So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.
Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?
Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda
Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.
Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.
I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.
So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.
Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?
Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda
Sunday, February 18, 2007
It's been a while....
Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I haven't felt that great, and getting on here and telling the world how crappy I felt just didn't sound like that much fun. So, here's a brief review of my week...
Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.
Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.
Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.
So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.
So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.
Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.
Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.
I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:
Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.
Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.
I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.
Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.
Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"
Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.
Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.
Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.
So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.
So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.
Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.
Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.
I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:
Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.
Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.
I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.
Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.
Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"
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