Well, I did it.

Well, I did it. Or rather, I had Tim do it.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.

Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....

I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.

The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!

I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.

The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.

Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.

My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.

As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.

The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.

Down the drain....

There it goes. Down the shower drain. My hair.

It started today.

Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.

How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...

I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.

That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).

What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.

I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.

Depressing....

I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.

Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?

All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.

Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....

And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.

Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!

Great Weekend...

Hey, everyone! I hope you all had a nice weekend. I did! I finally started to feel better and was able to enjoy a few beers. Some foods are starting to taste normal to me again, thank goodness. So, Friday, we just hung out in our garage with Kevin and Tammy. We were all pretty tired from the week, so we didn't hang out late.

Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.

Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!

Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.

I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.

I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.

Love, ~Brenda