I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.
Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.
Friends call and I don't want to answer the phone because I have nothing to talk about.
My house is a mess because of constant construction, so I figure... what's the point in cleaning?
We're running tight on money and I feel like a complete leech because I can't contribute right now. All I ever do is sit around the house and just rot away. I'd like to go for a walk or something, but honestly, just doing little things tends to wear me out.
I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.
Then, the cherry on the cake was on Monday. A friend died recently while mowing his lawn and they had the memorial service. From what I understand, it was a heart attack. I would much rather go like that, than rot away watching your own demise. But, this friend, Mark, was not very old. 57, in fact. He was a very kind, optimistic, caring person. I knew him because he and his wife, Barb, would come into the bar where I worked. Once they found out I had cancer, they made it a point to come in and see how I was doing. I never had the opportunity to get to know Mark outside of the bar, but just to have had him touch my life in that small form meant a lot.
So, attending his memorial service really made me do some thinking. Life is short, and you only get one swing at this. I've always believed that, but it sure was hit home the other day. I'm wondering if I should plan my own memorial service... Just In Case. I do have certain things that I'd prefer. For instance, I'd prefer a "celebration of life" over a memorial. I'd like to be cremated, but haven't decided where I'd like my ashes spread. I'm leaning towards somewhere in Spain. I really do need to do some thinking on this.
Besides all of that, the girls are doing fine. They're on Spring Break this week. The upstairs is coming along nicely, and drywall is going up. A whole bunch of us are going on a motorcycle ride this Saturday. We're meeting up and riding to a local theatre where they're sectioning off a part of the parking lot for all the bikes and reserving a theatre for us all to see the movie Wild Hogs. All the bikers that I've talked to that have seen it said it was hilarious. The non-bikers that I've talked to didn't find it as funny. I guess they just don't get the whole biker mentality.
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. Take care! Love, ~B
