Minor Allergic Reaction

Good morning, everyone! Sorry it's take me a couple of days to get back on here to let you all know how my treatment went on Wednesday. Basically, I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds, so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail." No biggie, I guess.

Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.

If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.

Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.

Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!

On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!

Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda

Made it through my first chemo treatment!

What a relief to have that over with! They gave me this anti-nausea medicine that should last about 5 days.... so I don't know how that will feel once it wears off, but so far so good! I didn't feel sick at all yesterday, and I was just a little tired. I went home, took a nap for an hour, and got right back into the swing of things. Tim cooked dinner, and I ate (so I had an appetite... I was actually STARVING) and had ice cream for dessert.

I have another, shorter, session today, so we'll see how that goes. I am reassured now, though.

One thing that I must remember is that everyone I've talked to says that the first session or two aren't so bad. It's when you get further and further into it that things seem to go downhill and your body starts to take a toll. So, I am prepared for that, but right now I'm doing fine. What a relief! I was very worried.

Some of the other information that I finally have includes that I'll be going in every Monday for blood tests to see where my white blood cell count, red blood cell count, and platelet counts are at. If I'm not in an acceptable range, then they'll be giving me a drug to help boost whatever blood counts need help. Things like that CAN delay when and how often I have my treatments, but provided that everything goes smoothly, I'm looking at going every third week for 6 months. So, it's January now, I'm hoping to be over the worst of it by about June or July. After that, I'll still have treatments, but they aren't considered "chemo." Those are just other drugs to help me out.

I was told that if I do end up losing my hair, it could start within the next two weeks, but I've also talked to a couple of people whose hair didn't start falling out until their 3rd and 4th treatments. I guess we'll see. I do have a couple of wigs handy just in case, although I'm not sure I'll ever wear them. I'm actually more of a hat/scarf person, I think. We'll see. I have decided that if I do lose my hair, I want to get a portrait of Tim and I both bald at the same time. I think it'll be something cool we could do. I am trying to embrace as much of this as I can. If it's going to happen, I need plans in line to sort-of take control of the situation and wrap my mind around it.

I'm also looking at starting radiation around March or April. I have an appointment with the radiologist in March, but I don't know how long after that she'll wait to actually get me started. I'll keep you updated on that as I learn more in that area.

As for the rest of the family, Tim's still working on the upstairs. It's looking great, and we're very pleased with the outcome so far! Basically, we're going to have an extra master bedroom and master bath upstairs! So, between work, taking me to appointments, working on the house, and an algebra class that he's taking, he's a very busy man... talk about multi-tasking!

Ashleigh is doing great. She comes in and checks to see how I'm feeling and asks questions when she's ready for more information. She doesn't seem to want too much info too soon, so I let her come to me when she wants to know more. That way, she has the opportunity to digest a little at a time. As artistic as she is, I'd love for her to be able to paint something cool on the back of my head once I lose my hair and have a portrait taken. Her report card came out about a week ago, and she's got all A's, so we're very proud of her. She is also still dating Travis... a little over 8 months now! He's a very nice, respectful boy, so we like him.

Carley is also doing great. Kindergartners are graded on the "E, S+, S, S-" scale, and she has gotten all "Excellents" on her report card. She really seems to like school. Oh, and by the way, she WANTS my hair to fall out, so she can put temporary tattoos on my head. She also thinks that I should get wigs of all colors (including green and blue). She sees it as an opportunity to do something that I wouldn't normally do with my hair. I love the different viewpoints that the girls have on this whole situation. They keep me grounded and help me stay positive!

We are currently looking into getting both of the girls into magnet schools for next year. The school Ash is in is in a bad part of town, and they really don't have a great curriculum. I want to get her into an artistic program or into a law program. She has mentioned lately that she'd like to be a lawyer, and she never really likes signing up for art classes because she loses her freedom of expression when someone TELLS her what she has to draw/paint/etc. So, we'll see.

As for Carley, we're probably looking at either International Studies, which teaches about different cultures and languages, or a Math/Science/Technology school, which is also stuff that she is showing signs of interest in and that she is good at. She has a logical mind and this type of environment would really help her, we think. As we figure out what we're going to do with each of the girls, we'll let you know.

Oh, and since I am looking at about 6 months of treatment, and sessions tend to get worse as I move along, I've mentioned to my Mom that maybe she should wait until around April to come down so she can be here when the girls are on Spring Break. By that time, I'm sure I'll be feeling pretty crappy. That way, she'll be able to help entertain the girls somewhat while they're out of school, and we'll have the upstairs done by that time. We'll see how that goes, though. In March, Tim is planning on having some friends down to help re-roof the house, and is going to pay for their hotel in Daytona for bike week in payment. So, we're looking at some house guests during the beginning of March. I don't mind, though. I get tired of being home alone all day.

I guess that's about it. Thank you to all of the wonderful phone calls that I got yesterday. It was so nice to have everyone call and see how I was feeling. Just knowing that I have a cheering section and people to listen to my thoughts and so on was nice. I very much enjoyed all the calls!
Love, ~Brenda

Chemo today and tomorrow

Well, today's the big day.
I have no idea how to even say what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling!
Is it fear? maybe.
Is it relief to be moving forward? sure.
I am full of questions. Questions that neither I nor anyone else have the answers to.
Tim simply let me vent the other night. I wanted to know, "Why me?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this?"
"How do I even know the doctors aren't just lying to me?"
"The only time I feel sick is when the dr's do something to me."
"Is it just some elaborate insurance scam?"

Ok, I realize how fow fetched some of these questions are. Please realize that at the time, I wasn't very rational.
Wisely, Tim just listened, threw in the appropriate "Um hm's" and "Yes, dear's" whenever he felt I needed them.
This, among so many other reasons, is why I married him. He knows when I have a problem that I need help solving, and he knows when I just need him to listen. I'm told that a lot of men can't tell the difference.

Regardless, once I got over my little "conspiracy theory" episode, I did feel a little better. I was a teapot, letting off steam. Some of the pressure went away, leaving some room for common sense to build in it's place.
My mind seems to be a complex maze of thoughts, ideas, and fears that neither I, nor anyone else, can understand. I just have to do this day by day to see where the next treatment takes me.

Meanwhile, life goes on and our house is waking up for the day. Tim just went to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and I heard the front door close a few moments ago as Ashleigh left for the school bus. My alarm tells me to wake Carley for school. It's a big day today for her today, because the kindergarden classes have been learning to count to 100 this year, and today is the 100th day of school. The kids all decorated t-shirts and everything. I can't wait for her to come home this afternoon and tell me all about the "100 things" that they did today.
It's little moments like just listening to the movements of my family in my home and hearing about their day that reminds me why I can't just curl up and hide from all of this.

What would hiding show my children, anyways? That it's ok to be a coward?
Please excuse my randomness this morning. I can't seem to focus. People have been telling me what an inspiration I am. I disagree. We do what we need to do.
Am I brave? No.
Am I strong? No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.
I keep going because I have to. I have no choice. It isn't because I'm brave or strong. Just because I can't do anything else. I am left without a choice, because dying isn't a choice.
I do wish it was all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore, of course.
I often think that.
That's not brave, strong, or inspirational. It's just selfish. I realize that.
I know that after today, I will begin feeling worse and worse, and the anger I feel right now has nothing on what I WILL feel very soon. Fortunately, I have a family that understands that and just allows me to vent whenever I need to, and we move on.
One day at a time.

Again, forgive my randomness.... too many thoughts, not fast enough fingers. lol.
Love, ~Brenda

St. Agatha of Catania

This was something interesting that I found online about a female Saint that has become, among other things, the Patron Saint of Breast Cancer. I thought it was interesting. The website where it was found was: http://www.saintpatrickdc.org/ss/0205.htm There are other saints listed on that page, but this is the one I was interested in:

Agatha of Catania VM (RM)

Born at Palermo or Catania, Sicily; died at Catania, Sicily, c. 250 (?). There certainly was a martyr named Agatha at Catania, who was venerated there from very early times as demonstrated by her inclusion in Saint Jerome's Martyrology, the calendar of Carthage (c. 530), the canon of the Roman Mass, and Carmina by Venantius Fortunatus, but nothing else is known of her. There are many versions of the basic legend included here.

Agatha must have been beautiful and wealthy for the Sicilian consul Quintinian tried to force her to become his wife. When she refused because she had already dedicated herself to God as a virgin, he turned against her and decided to punish her by installing the pure girl in a brothel for a month. She resisted all attempts to shame her.

When this didn't work, Quintinian, who did not believe in God, brought her before the courts on the charge of belonging to the outlawed Christian sect. The accounts of her tortures are frightful--racked, scourged, branded. Even her breasts were cut off, and she was allowed no medicines or bandages or food when she was sent to a dark dungeon. It is said that Saint Peter appeared to her in a vision accompanied by a youth carrying a torch. He applied ointment and healed her wounds. Four days later, unmoved my the miraculous cure of her wounds, Quintinian caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with potsherds.

Agatha would pray passionately throughout all this: "Lord Jesus Christ: you know what is in my heart and mind. Take me and all that I am and make me Your own." Naturally Agatha believed that death would be a happy release from her torturers into the arms of Jesus. They carried her broken body back to her prison, while she prayed for release. At that moment, just after an earthquake, Agatha died in prison of her injuries.

A saint who bore such trials was greatly revered, and her tomb became a sacred spot for Christians. Saint Gregory the Great, for example, took a church which the Goths used in Rome, and reconsecrated it to the saint. The church of Sant'Agata dei Goti still stands, preserving the memory of this virgin martyr.
In a later period pictures of Saint Agatha carrying her severed breasts on a platter were mistaken as bread, which led to the practice of blessing bread on Saint Agatha's Day.

Her intercession as patron of Malta is credited with preserving the island from the Turks in 1551. Her prayers were also efficacious in preventing the eruption of Mt. Etna on several occasions. Its torrent of burning sulphur and stones was averted from the walls of Catania several times by the silken veil of Saint Agatha (taken from her tomb), fixed on a lance, and carried in procession. As the sacred relic met the lava, the flow would stop and the eruption end.
Her name is found in the litany of the saints and in all martyrologies: Greek and Latin (Attwater, Benedictines, Bentley, Delaney, Encyclopedia, Farmer, Husenbeth, White).

In art, Saint Agatha is a maiden martyr with a palm, two breasts held on a platter, and either pincers or shears (Tabor). Sometimes she is shown (1) with her breasts cut off or held in tongs; (2) crowned, with tongs and palms; (3) covering her shorn breasts as an angel brings her the martyr's palm; (4) holding a unicorn's horn; (5) with a torch and burning church in her hand (Roeder), or with a long veil (Tabor). She is depicted in the mosaics of Sant'Apolinare Nuovo in Ravenna, Italy (Farmer) and a picture of her martyrdom by Sebastiano del Piombo at the Pitti Palace in Florence, Italy (Tabor).

Agatha is the patroness of Catania, where she preserves Mt. Etna from erupting. She is also patroness of bell-founders (shaped like her breasts, or possibly because bells are used to warn of fire), firefighters, girdlers, jewellers, maltsters, nurses, wet-nurses, weavers, and shepherdesses. Agatha is invoked against earthquake, fire, lightning, storm, sterility, wolves, and diseases of the breast (Roeder, White).