Coping with Cancer

Good advice that a friend sent...

Wellness Monthly Healthy matters to keep in mind.

When Someone You Know Has Cancer
How to Help Them Cope

When a friend or relative has cancer or other serious illness, it’s perfectly normal to feel worried and uncomfortable. However, if you are not careful, your feelings could change the way you relate to your loved one. It’s important to remember that your friend or relative is still the same person. Only now, that person needs extra support — especially during periods of medical treatment and hospital stays. You can play an important role in making life as normal as possible in a world that has been turned topsy-turvy. Here are some ways.

Listen
People with cancer basically need someone to listen to them talk about their current fears and their future plans. They don’t necessarily need you to "do" anything. It’s not always easy to be a silent refuge from a day of chemotherapy or a night of sleepless panic –– but it can be more helpful than you may think.

Beware of conflict
The period right after diagnosis is often a time of anger, fear and confusion. People with cancer might lash out at you in an attempt to find a target for their frustration. Don’t take these outbursts personally, and try to respond with patience and compassion if you can.

Be yourself
Many people think they don't know how to act around people with cancer. Just do what you normally do, and don't try to be someone you’re not. People with cancer need their family and friends for a sense of normalcy. They have to deal with enough changes in their life without having to adapt to a new you.

Keep looking for hope
While cancer is undeniably a major illness, it is not necessarily fatal. Many cancer patients have been treated successfully, and many others live a long time after the diagnosis. It is hard not to think about the person dying, but it's important to focus on living. Staying positive will encourage people with cancer to do the same. For those with cancer, surviving the disease can be a difficult task. But you can give them positive support and let them share their difficulties with you. Facing cancer together makes it easier to endure the hard times, and to look forward to brighter days ahead.

Sometimes life can feel overwhelming. If you find that you are having trouble doing daily tasks or that problems are affecting your relationships with friends and family, you should consider seeking professional counseling. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness or failure, especially in situations too difficult to handle alone.

Tips for helping someone cope with cancer.
• Let the person with cancer start talking. You can’t make people talk about their feelings before they are ready, but you can be ready to listen when they are.
• Show your support. "I'm here" can be the most reassuring words you can say.
• Share your anxieties and uncertainties with the person, if appropriate. You both can support each other and give and take strength as you are able.
• Don’t give false assurances by saying, “Don’t worry,” or “Everything will be all right.” Try to lift spirits without denying the truth. It can be as simple as doing fun things you both enjoy.
• Don’t assume the worst. Even if the future is uncertain, you can still look forward to the possibility of a positive response to treatment, as well as spending good times together.

What do you say when you don’t know what to say?
The following are some ideas for how to offer help.
• Don’t start the conversation with, "How are you?" When you ask the question right away, the person may not know whether you really want an answer or are simply being courteous. Engage in some small talk for a few minutes before asking how things are going. Be sure you have time to listen before you ask the question.
• Drop the person a note. A simple message like, "I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing" lets the person know you care. It can make a big difference. You might suggest getting together for lunch in a few days. Be sure to follow through with the plans you make.
• Be aware of times of stress. For example, if you know when the person is going to the doctor for an appointment or treatment, call a few hours later to ask how it went. Your caring act may help the person cope with any bad news.
• Reinforce trust. Let the individual know that you will keep any personal information to yourself, even if the person doesn’t specifically ask you to.
• Don’t speak. Sometimes a hug or an arm around the shoulder can say more than any words.
• Be honest. It’s okay to tell the person, "I don’t know what to say. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you." The person with cancer doesn’t need advice or words of wisdom, just your caring and your presence.

The information and therapeutic approaches in this article are provided for educational purposes only and are not meant to be used in place of professional clinical consultations for individual health needs.