The "Latest and Greatest"

Well, Tim and I went to visit with the oncologist yesterday. I had 1/2 of my blood taken out and put in vials, to be replaced later with drano..... or at least it seems like it. Then, they ran a baseline EKG on me, which came out fine. Finally, we watched a video, and then the nurse sat down and talked to us about some stuff.

First and foremost, she tells me that I'm going to have to give up my Mt. Dew. (I knew I didn't like her for some reason.) So, I bartered her down to only one a day (she tried to get me to agree to diet, caffiene free Mt. Dew... what's the point, really?????). So, we comprimised. I'm allowed either one cup of coffee OR one Mt. Dew each day. That's ok, I can deal with that.

Then she says that while she won't tell me that I'm NOT ALLOWED to drink, she claims that I won't want to. We'll see. While I realize that she has more experience than I do with chemo, what's the point in living now??? lol.... just teasing. I know she's right, and I'm willing to cave as long as I can still have my one Mt. Dew each day... Nectar of the Gods.... lol.

So, moving right along, my first Chemo treatment will be on Tuesday, January 23rd. I get there at 8:30 for a talk with the Doctor, and then my treatment will last for 4 hours! Then, I go back for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. The treatments won't usually take so long, but she said the initial dose is stronger than the rest, and after this time, it'll all get done in one day instead of spread out into two days each.

Thank you to everyone that I've talked to lately that have offered to go to my first treatment with me. I realize that 4 hours can be pretty long and I appreciate the offer. I have Tim coming with me, and really, he's all I want for now. I'm willing to humiliate myself in front of him if anything happens, because he has to love me anyways. It said so in our marriage vows, so I'm holding him to it. Really, though. I just want to spend that horrible first day with Tim. He always knows what to do to make me feel better, and I'm going to be scared enough without trying to put on a "strong face" for visitors.

Ok, on to the emotional part of me. So many of you see my actions lately. I'm fine one second, crying the next, and won't tell you why the third. I know that between Tim, my friend Chuck, and Tammy, they have recieved the brunt of it.

I try to shelter Tim from the worst of the news because I'm so afraid of making it worse. I love him so much that I can't stand to see him hurt or worried about me.

I party with Tammy because it helps me forget things and she always gives me permission to act immature.

Then I vent my emotions onto poor Chuck, who really shouldn't have to listen to me at all! I know you carry a huge burden with keeping my thoughts bottled up inside.

Thanks for the part all three of you play in my life. I would be lost without any one of you.

As for the rest of you that have tried to talk to me.... Thank you so much for being a friend and trying. I don't know what makes Chuck and Tammy my confidants. I really don't. They just let me vent, act a fool, and then don't judge me for it later. Of course, Chuck always tries to talk about it again later, but I never want to. He has to wait until I'm ready, which seems to happen more and more lately.

Anyways, to anyone who has known me for any amount of time at all, you know that I don't share my feelings. I am not an emotional person. I do not tell people what my own personal thoughts are on anything. I put on a happy face and push on through like everything is just super, no matter what kind of nightmare is going on inside my head and/or heart. I solve my own problems, which is why it is so hard for me to share things with Tim. He wants to solve problems, but he can't solve this, so I try to shelter him from it instead. I know it bothers him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets scared, I get scared, and I worry enough for the both of us!

Ok, that's enough of that. That's another reason I don't share my feelings.... I tend to ramble, and I hate rambling. Basically, I just wanted to let everyone know that YES, there is a lot of termoil inside of Brenda's head right now, as you would expect under these conditions, but NO, I don't want to talk about it. It's not personal. I just can't make myself open up and spread my emotions on the table. It's like a brick wall and I can't knock it down and become vulnerable. I don't know how, and I probably never will.

But, if you'd like to call me and just chit chat about whatever, my phone light is on again! lol. I wasn't taking too many calls for the longest time because the phone never stopped ringing. Finally, I've found some quiet, so I'm able to talk again.

(Wow, I feel like a walking contradiction.)

Love, The Oxy-Moron lol