Chemo today and tomorrow

Well, today's the big day.
I have no idea how to even say what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling!
Is it fear? maybe.
Is it relief to be moving forward? sure.
I am full of questions. Questions that neither I nor anyone else have the answers to.
Tim simply let me vent the other night. I wanted to know, "Why me?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this?"
"How do I even know the doctors aren't just lying to me?"
"The only time I feel sick is when the dr's do something to me."
"Is it just some elaborate insurance scam?"

Ok, I realize how fow fetched some of these questions are. Please realize that at the time, I wasn't very rational.
Wisely, Tim just listened, threw in the appropriate "Um hm's" and "Yes, dear's" whenever he felt I needed them.
This, among so many other reasons, is why I married him. He knows when I have a problem that I need help solving, and he knows when I just need him to listen. I'm told that a lot of men can't tell the difference.

Regardless, once I got over my little "conspiracy theory" episode, I did feel a little better. I was a teapot, letting off steam. Some of the pressure went away, leaving some room for common sense to build in it's place.
My mind seems to be a complex maze of thoughts, ideas, and fears that neither I, nor anyone else, can understand. I just have to do this day by day to see where the next treatment takes me.

Meanwhile, life goes on and our house is waking up for the day. Tim just went to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and I heard the front door close a few moments ago as Ashleigh left for the school bus. My alarm tells me to wake Carley for school. It's a big day today for her today, because the kindergarden classes have been learning to count to 100 this year, and today is the 100th day of school. The kids all decorated t-shirts and everything. I can't wait for her to come home this afternoon and tell me all about the "100 things" that they did today.
It's little moments like just listening to the movements of my family in my home and hearing about their day that reminds me why I can't just curl up and hide from all of this.

What would hiding show my children, anyways? That it's ok to be a coward?
Please excuse my randomness this morning. I can't seem to focus. People have been telling me what an inspiration I am. I disagree. We do what we need to do.
Am I brave? No.
Am I strong? No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.
I keep going because I have to. I have no choice. It isn't because I'm brave or strong. Just because I can't do anything else. I am left without a choice, because dying isn't a choice.
I do wish it was all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore, of course.
I often think that.
That's not brave, strong, or inspirational. It's just selfish. I realize that.
I know that after today, I will begin feeling worse and worse, and the anger I feel right now has nothing on what I WILL feel very soon. Fortunately, I have a family that understands that and just allows me to vent whenever I need to, and we move on.
One day at a time.

Again, forgive my randomness.... too many thoughts, not fast enough fingers. lol.
Love, ~Brenda