Life lately

I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.

Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.

Friends call and I don't want to answer the phone because I have nothing to talk about.

My house is a mess because of constant construction, so I figure... what's the point in cleaning?

We're running tight on money and I feel like a complete leech because I can't contribute right now. All I ever do is sit around the house and just rot away. I'd like to go for a walk or something, but honestly, just doing little things tends to wear me out.

I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.

Then, the cherry on the cake was on Monday. A friend died recently while mowing his lawn and they had the memorial service. From what I understand, it was a heart attack. I would much rather go like that, than rot away watching your own demise. But, this friend, Mark, was not very old. 57, in fact. He was a very kind, optimistic, caring person. I knew him because he and his wife, Barb, would come into the bar where I worked. Once they found out I had cancer, they made it a point to come in and see how I was doing. I never had the opportunity to get to know Mark outside of the bar, but just to have had him touch my life in that small form meant a lot.

So, attending his memorial service really made me do some thinking. Life is short, and you only get one swing at this. I've always believed that, but it sure was hit home the other day. I'm wondering if I should plan my own memorial service... Just In Case. I do have certain things that I'd prefer. For instance, I'd prefer a "celebration of life" over a memorial. I'd like to be cremated, but haven't decided where I'd like my ashes spread. I'm leaning towards somewhere in Spain. I really do need to do some thinking on this.

Besides all of that, the girls are doing fine. They're on Spring Break this week. The upstairs is coming along nicely, and drywall is going up. A whole bunch of us are going on a motorcycle ride this Saturday. We're meeting up and riding to a local theatre where they're sectioning off a part of the parking lot for all the bikes and reserving a theatre for us all to see the movie Wild Hogs. All the bikers that I've talked to that have seen it said it was hilarious. The non-bikers that I've talked to didn't find it as funny. I guess they just don't get the whole biker mentality.

Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. Take care! Love, ~B

Happy Birthday, Carley!

Well, we went to bike week, had a LOT of fun! I'm so glad that my dr. let me wait until this week to do my large dose of chemo. I couldn't have hung out nearly as much if I'd had it. As it was, I still had a tough time keeping up, just because I get tired pretty easily. No matter, though. We had a blast!

We got home on Monday afternoon, and the girls did fine while we were gone. Carley got to spend the weekend with Kayla and Lexi, Keith and Tammy's little girls. They're close enough that they might as well be cousins, so she enjoyed her time over there. Ash spend the weekend with Billie's daughter, Jasmine. She's one of the kids that stayed with us while her Dad was on his six month deployment a few years ago. She was 12 at the time, and just graduated high school this past year! Wow, how time flies.

I also got my blood test on Monday. I was worried that it would be pure beer... lol! But, the dr. said that I looked great, and my numbers were all finally back up, I'm not anemic right now. Thank goodness, because the shot they give you for that is painful! I also got my large dose of chemo yesterday, and so far everything is doing fine. I was tired, and had a little stomachache, but otherwise I'm good. Tim and I even went to Target to shop for Carley's birthday.

My little one is 6 today! She's having some friends over Friday evening for a small party. She's so excited about it!!! Also, side note... my friend, Jannian's birthday is on Saturday of this week.... St. Patty's Day! Happy birthday, Jannian!

I guess that's all the news for now. I posted a new picture from this weekend, with my "long hair" wig. I love this pic of Tim and I.

Hope you're all doing well! Love,~B

Angels and bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer

Angels and Bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer

By: Karen Ritchie M.D.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, strange things happen to other people. Cancer will probably change you, but it also changes people around you, people you thought you knew.

People behave in unexpected ways. Some you thought were friends disappear. Others hang around. And of those who keep coming around, you will be glad to see some, and less glad to see others.

You will find out who your friends are, as the saying goes. As if that's a good thing. As if anyone ever really wants to find out who can be counted on and who can't. Someone you rarely saw and didn't feel particularly close to may turn out to be the person who is most supportive, who most understands what you are going through.


Although each person's cancer experience is unique, there are some commonalities. The following is a guide to the creatures you may encounter.


Preachers
Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information. They are convinced that they know what is best for you, and they go out of their way to share their answers. They bring you books and tapes, herbs and pills, or they know where you can send money - usually a lot of money - to obtain a product that is guaranteed to cure you. This guarantee, on closer examination, turns out to be more like a strong opinion.

So they will assure you that vegetarians don't get cancer, or meditators don't get cancer, or those who think happy thoughts. None of which is true. They bring you tofu and sprouts when you really want a pizza, and then you feel guilty for eating pizza at all. They insist that you think positive, at a time when you are bald and nauseated and have a temperature of 104 and a major body part is missing.

Preachers are usually well-meaning and sincerely concerned for your welfare, so they are hard to ignore. They are convinced that the one thing they promote is the thing that will cure your cancer, if you only do it correctly. This last part is the kicker - if it doesn't work, you must not be doing it right.

Clueless

The clueless make inane comments. These comments usually fall into one of three categories:

• Cancer is not really a problem. (e.g., Losing your hair/body part/health is not really a problem.)
• Cancer is really a blessing. (You'll find out who your friends are. Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong.)
• You caused your cancer.(Remember that time you had a negative thought? You are not praying hard enough.)
  

There are an infinite variety of idiotic remarks. When you have cancer you are liable to hear one or two that are amazingly thoughtless.

If preachers are honestly concerned for your welfare, the clueless are primarily concerned about themselves. They want you to be cheerful because it makes them more comfortable (this includes some health care personnel). Those who deny their own sadness and grief do not want to hear about yours.

The clueless want to believe that the world makes sense, that it is fair and just, that people get what they deserve. They are willing to ignore any evidence to the contrary. They don't really understand your situation; they cannot see your illness from your perspective. They are not interested enough to understand, or they are too fearful of their own well being.

But their ignorance is not your problem. Education of the clueless is extremely time-consuming and frequently doomed. It should be undertaken only in desperate circumstances, or out of sheer boredom. These people are exhausting. You may have to decide whether their company is worth the emotional cost, as you are likely to end up taking care of them.

Bolters
Bolters disappear when you are diagnosed with cancer. The bolter is someone who was always around before you had cancer, but now does not call and does not show up. Bolters may or may not send a card before they leave.

When questioned, bolters make excuses: they knew you were tired, or they knew you would ask if you needed anything, thus blaming their absence on you. Like the clueless, their distance reflects their own discomfort. They stay away because they are afraid of their own sadness or their own mortality.

A related creature is the virtual bolter. Virtual bolters may be physically present but act as if you were no longer there. They ignore you, as if you were invisible. You find yourself not invited to events, as if you didn't exist. You are suddenly excluded from a weekly meeting you have attended for years.

Like the clueless, bolters are generally resistant to logic and are thought to be incurable. When they are caught and questioned they blame others, and it may be best to simply let them go.

Angels
Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They drop by with a bag of groceries or they offer to walk the dog. They will listen when you need to talk, or they can just sit next to you and be there without having to do anything or say anything. They know that just being there is doing something. Angels tread lightly because they have no agenda of their own.

They treat you like the person you always were. They know that despite the cancer you are still you. Sometimes angels just know what you need, and sometimes they need to ask. An angel knows how to listen to the answer, how to listen to what you say and to what you're not saying. You can cry with angels and you can laugh with them, sometimes both at the same time. Some are born angels. Others have to learn, which takes time and may be awkward at first.

Fellow Travelers
For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey. Family members become fellow travelers out of necessity. Others stick with you by choice.

When you have cancer, they have it too. And in some ways their journey is harder, a time of frustration and powerlessness. While you can fight the cancer, they can only observe.

Fellow travelers want to be supportive, although at first they may not know how. They can become angels but it will take time. Most of us are not good listeners, and it takes a while to learn. You can help by being patient and by asking for what you need.

The clueless are right about one thing - there are good things about having cancer. The best is the opportunity for a closer relationship with those who care about you. And, of course, you learn who your friends are.

From the book Angels and Bolters: Women's Cancer Scripts

You are welcome to share this © 2000 Karen Ritchie M.D. article with friends, but do not forget to include the author name and web address.

Permission needed to use articles on commercial and non commercial websites.

Thank you.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Well, it's hump-day, and bike week in Daytona. I got my weekly Herceptin yesterday, and we were on the bikes by noon, headed south. We didn't get home until about 11:00 last night, and we froze our butts off on the way home. I thought I would never be warm again.... yuck! lol. But, we have a condo rented for this weekend, with a pool, hot tub, and everything. Plus, it's right by main street, so we'll pretty much walk everywhere we go. We're taking the truck down there, and I'm gonna find a grocery story to stock food for us, so we're not spending a fortune on that stuff. I'm excited! We're gonna have a blast.

Otherwise, all's going well. I was supposed to get the big dose of chemo this week, but my dr. agreed to wait a week so I could enjoy myself in Daytona this weekend. So, the big dose is next Tuesday now. Since it's been 3 weeks since my last big dose, I've been feeling pretty good. My only side-effect right now is that I get tired and worn out pretty easily.

In other news, the upstairs addition is moving very slowly. The girls are doing great, spoiled rotten! And Tim is taking his final for his algebra class on Thursday and he'll be finished with that. I know he'll be happy to have that over with!

I guess that's about it for now. Love and hugz, ~Brenda

Been pretty busy!

Hi, everyone! Sorry I haven't been posting as often as usual lately. My best friend, Tammy has been off work last week and this week (until March 14), so she's been keeping me busy. We've gone thrift-store shopping, planning our trip to Daytona for bike week, visiting her Dad's grave site, and basically just hanging out. It's been a lot of fun, but I don't have too much time to sit down and get onto the computer lately.

So, needless to say, I haven't been feeling too badly. I got my herceptin injection today. No bad side-affects. It usually just makes me feel a little light-headed for about an hour afterwards, so Tim took me to Lowe's to look at bathtubs, sinks, etc. for our upstairs, and so I rode around in the little handicapped cart. It was fun, but I kept hitting things when I turned, because it turned SO sharply. It was funny.

Oh, and my doctor agreed to postpone next week's chemo treatment until the week after bike week, so I wouldn't feel sick in Daytona. YAY! She said I wasn't allowed to make it a habit, though. I told her that I called Daytona's mayor and tried to get them to reschedule bike week around my treatment schedule, and he actually told me that because there were so many other people in the United States that had already taken vacation time and made plans for that week that rescheduling was out of the question. Go figure.... lol! So, I guess I'm not as important as I thought! lol. j/k

Not too much going on right now. Tim's taking time off work to grow out his beard before bike week, and using the time to work on our upstairs. It's going slowly but surely. Not fast enough in my opinion, but I am not really known for my patience.

In other news, Tim and I took the girls to a Monster Truck Jam last Saturday. It was so much fun!!!! Even Ashleigh got into it. I thought Carley's eyes would bug out of her head. A good time was had by all. We watched busses get smashed by monster trucks, we saw a couple of them flip over, one broke an axle, one lost an entire wheel and kept going. One even caught on fire and the guy dove out the window. Very exciting show, let me tell you! So, it was a fun way to spend the weekend.

For those of you not in Florida right now, the weather has been beautiful! I took the top off my jeep yesterday, and it was actually hot out today! I don't know how long this will last, but we're loving it! I drove my little cart through the garden section of Lowe's today, just to smell the spring flowers.... I'm so excited about planting flowers and I want a garden... I just don't have a place for it, because the squirrels will eat anything I plant. Little buggers.

Oh, and in other news, Tammy and I are talking about opening up a flower shop. She used to own one and had to sell it when her Dad got really sick about 10 years ago. But since I'm prior military, I may be eligible for a government small business grant. I'll have to do some research, but if we can get the money and find a location, we would like to go into business together. There is so much growth in our area right now, that we should be able to find a good location close to our houses, hopefully. Like I said, I'll have to do some more research on the subject. I'll keep you all updated on that.

I guess that's about it for now. Hope everyone's doing well. Love, ~Brenda

Happy Birthday, Dad!

First and foremost, today is my Dad's birthday. I was taking Carley to school this morning, and had her call to wish him a Happy Birthday. He seemed to enjoy it. Mom said he was having his own little birthday party with his friends today, in the garage. Sounds like fun, wish I could be up there... except that it's COLD in Michigan! lol.

Let's see, not too much else going on. Tammy and I went and exchanged my wigs this week, so I have a "soccer mom" wig for daytime and a cool "rocker babe" one for at night. They're my disguises. We had so much fun trying on wigs, and were giggling like crazy!

I haven't been feeling too bad, other than the fact that everyone around me, including myself, seem to have sinus troubles right now. It's really dry in my house because of all the construction, so my nose bleeds sometimes and runs constantly. So, I get a lot of mucus down the back of my throat (gross!) and makes my stomach upset. On top of that, it's hard to find food that tastes good, because everything is yucky. I'm sick of sushi, so my choices are becoming more and more limited. I've finally started to just start forcing myself to eat something, even if I can't taste it, just so I"m not nauseous and/or hungry.

Otherwise, things aren't going too badly. Got a nice phone call from Jannian today. I'm trying to talk her into coming down to visit when Ray gets back from cruise. Our spare room should be done by then! Tim has class tonight, so there won't be any work done on the house. He's only got a couple of weeks left of his algebra class left, though! I know he'll be happy when that's over with.

I guess that's about it for now. Love, hugz and all that jazz.... ~Brenda

Can't sleep...

Wow, two posts in two days. What is the world coming to? Anyways, I couldn't sleep because my nose was stuffed, a million things were going through my head, and my stupid dog wouldn't stop licking himself. Very annoying sound in the middle of the night. So, I got up and took a shower in an attempt to clear my head... figuratively and literally. It really didn't help either one, to be honest. My nose is still stuffy and I've still got things running around and bumping into each other up there.

Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.

Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.

I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.

So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.

Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?

Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda

It's been a while....

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I haven't felt that great, and getting on here and telling the world how crappy I felt just didn't sound like that much fun. So, here's a brief review of my week...

Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.

Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.

Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.

So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.

So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.

Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.

Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.

Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.

I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:

Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.

Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.

I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.

By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.

Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.

Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"

More chemo today

I went and got my usual Monday Blood Test yesterday, and I had the nicest compliment! I had one of the scarves that I bought in Spain wrapped around my head into a bun in the back, and a lady came up and said how pretty it looked and even had me show her how to do it! She was so sweet.

Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!

I do want to get on this website and order some of these, though before going to Bike Week. If you watch the videos, they look really cool and versitile. http://www.buffusa.com/index.html They're the same scarves that they give out on the Survivor shows each season, and you can do all kinds of things with them! Seemed pretty cool to me.

Going in for my second treatment of Chemo today. I'm not looking forward to that. I believe it's a conspiracy... every time I feel better and can taste food again they'll fill me full of more Drano. Bummer.

Also, by looking at my calender, we're supposed to be going to Bike Week in Daytona on the 8th-11th of March... my next treatment will be on the 6th. I wonder if I'd be able to talk my doctor into doing it either a week early or a week late. I REALLY want to go, and don't want to be sick the whole time! I plan on being a really bad-ass biker chick... no hair, are you kidding me? Who's badder than that??? Besides, I already have all my patches and my pins sewn on my bike vest, too. I'm trying to plan chemo around this, but I don't know if my Doctor will go for it. I'd hate to have to go psycho on her... j/k! lol.

I guess that's about it for now. We had a nice visit with my Mom and Dad and Grandma Marion this weekend. They were here Saturday afternoon and left around noon on Sunday to go further South in Florida. Can you blame them? It's warmer down there. They'll be back around Thursday for another couple of days. We'll probably hang around the house and BBQ or something, since I probably won't feel up to going out by then.

Anyhoo, that's the latest update. Not much new going on right now. Love and hugs to everyone! Thanks for all the great phone calls and e-mails lately! It's great to hear from people you haven't talked to in a while. Love, ~Brenda

Well, I did it.

Well, I did it. Or rather, I had Tim do it.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.

Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....

I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.

The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!

I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.

The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.

Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.

My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.

As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.

The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.

Down the drain....

There it goes. Down the shower drain. My hair.

It started today.

Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.

How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...

I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.

That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).

What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.

I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.

Depressing....

I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.

Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?

All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.

Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....

And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.

Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!

Great Weekend...

Hey, everyone! I hope you all had a nice weekend. I did! I finally started to feel better and was able to enjoy a few beers. Some foods are starting to taste normal to me again, thank goodness. So, Friday, we just hung out in our garage with Kevin and Tammy. We were all pretty tired from the week, so we didn't hang out late.

Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.

Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!

Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.

I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.

I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.

Love, ~Brenda

Is it Thursday already???

Wow, this week sure has seemed to fly by. On Tuesday, I took the family to my friend's house and got portraits done in her at-home studio. It was so much fun! Carley thought she'd died and went to heaven because Marie had a whole wardrobe full of dress-up clothes, gloves, purses, hats, and so on! And of course, she's a camera-hog! Even the "moody-teenager" (Ashleigh) had a good time... and admitted it! lol. Marie was showing us some of the things she can do with the shots she took and this is going to turn out so great!!! We're going to have so much fun. My long-term goal is to combine all of my blogs and the photos that Marie takes, and see if we can publish a book to help other people see and read about my experiences. I'll have to do more research, but it would be fun! Anyone know any helpful tips?

Then, on Wednesday, Tim took me back to the Oncologists office, with the understanding that we were going to try to re-introduce the Herceptin into my system, with less benadryl this time. However, I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off until the 13th of February when I'm supposed to be starting my second cycle.

Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts. Here's a website:

http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-21884-Aranesp+Injection.aspx?drugid=21884&drugname=Aranesp+Injection

Plus, I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow. It's very painful! They did a swab on it, and it showed no signs of infection. So, whatever it is that is causing it, it's not a virus, apparently. So, it just adds to my "humorous" situation.

Finally, because of the nose bleeds, sore throat, and low blood counts, the doctor decided not to do the herceptin. Instead, she decided to divide the one dose that I'm supposed to get every three weeks into smaller, weekly installments. It should be easier for my system to handle.

Today, I vacuumed the car, tried to take a nap, and then ran some errands before heading to the base for a second opinion on my throat problem. Their labs came back saying the same thing. They gave me this stuff to rinse my mouth out with that makes everything numb and tingly. It's horrible! I'd rather just not swallow at all then use that stuff.

I guess that's about it for now. We're headed to Keith and Tammy's this weekend for Lexi's 6th birthday! (Yay!) Her birthday is always a reminder that Carley's is only 6 weeks away. Guess I should start thinking about what I want to do for her. We'll see.

Not much else going on. The work on the house is SLOW to say the least. It's monsoon season outside, and Tim and Kevin are trying to move the bikes to Kevin's house so that they can put the big, long gurters in, to support the floors in the bedroom area tomorrow.... but I honestly doubt anyone will show up. Nobody has been here to work on the upstairs in 2 weeks. They keep saying that they had to wait on Curt to do some wiring... but all I've seen him wire is some temporary lights so that they can see better up there. The gurters were supposed to be here on Friday, but didn't show up until Wednesday morning. Mostly, I am just here to have the door unlocked IN CASE anyone decides to show up. So much for getting it done before we have people visiting from out of town! It's very disappointing... and to think that I was originally told that it would be done by mid-December. Sure, whatever.

Ok, sorry. That was a little cynical. I'm over it now. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I plan to sleep and try to get over this sore throat.

Love, ~Brenda

Happy Monday!

Hey, everyone! After a slightly rough weekend, this week seems to be off to an alright start. As I said in my last post, I had a small allergic reaction on Wednesday, and I've been feeling weird ever since, and every time I get one problem solved, another one pops up! Tim's already started calling me "Melman" after the hyprocondriac giraffe on Madagascar. So, in a nutshell, here's what's going on...

Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. I kept (and am still) getting aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be. So, I finally called the dr. on Friday. She had me get some Milk of Magnesia and see how that worked.

By that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda, beer... NOTHING! You know it's bad when I don't like my beer. lol! So, Tim took me to the grocery store and tried to buy some of my favorite foods to cheer me up... he said it was like shopping with Gandhi because I turned my nose up at everything! I didn't want to try my favorites because if they tasted bad, then they wouldn't be my favorites any more! So, we got a few things, and it turned into a day of experimenting to see what foods I could eat. I did try sushi, but hesitantly because I would cry if I didn't like that! Fortunately, it still tasted good to me.

So, Friday night rolls around, I am sitting in a hot bath, trying to take in liquids (nasty) and waiting for this Milk of Magnesia to work. I'm just all around miserable, unhappy, and frankly, just a little whiny. All of a sudden, I go from sitting in the tub trying to feel better to sitting on the "pot" trying to feel better. That stuff works a little too well! lol.

Once I was finally able to get that under control, I sat down in the living room to watch some TV, and I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It scared Tim because I don't ever get nose bleeds. So, he called the doctor that was "on call" at the oncologist's office. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal, so I got it to stop and we went to bed with the intention of heading to Atlanta to visit Tom and Jane on Saturday morning.

We woke up Saturday morning and started to get packed. I still had a bit of a stomachache, but I felt well enough to sit in a car all day, so I was ready to go. I was just excited to be going somewhere besides a doctor's office! Frankly, I am tired of my own house and tired of doctor's offices. I'm bored!!! lol. So, we packed and piled into the truck and stop off at Kevin and Tammy's to see if they would let the dog out while we were gone and my nose started to bleed again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd also had a nose bleed that lasted close to an hour that morning and another one in the shower before we left. Well, that was the final straw. We left the kids at Kevin and Tammy's and Tim called Tom and Jane to cancel the trip, and he took me to the hospital.

We were at the hospital for 4 or 5 hours, they ran some labs on me, and gave me 2 bags of fluid and sent me home. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, that's when I got the name "Melmen" from Tim. So, we went and got some food, then back to Kevin and Tammy's to hang out and watch a couple of movies.

Oh, I had heard that chemo makes some people lactose intolerant, though, so I decided not to eat any dairy at all on Sunday, to see if that was causing my stomachaches. My stomach felt fine all that day. So, I tried a bowl of cereal today to see if it made a difference, and YAY! it didn't. I still feel fine. What a relief that is. Can you imagine ME, growing up on a dairy farm, becoming lactose intolerant? My family would disown me for sure. lol!

So, like I said... it was a rough weekend (and I know it will get worse than this!) but I'm feeling better now. I still can't taste much, so it's really hard to force myself to eat and drink. I look at it as my weight-loss plan before bike week in Daytona. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go! I plan on being bald and having Carley put a huge biker tattoo on my head before I go. lol!!! It'll be funny.

Hugs to all. Love and miss those of you that I don't get to see often! Love, ~Brenda

Minor Allergic Reaction

Good morning, everyone! Sorry it's take me a couple of days to get back on here to let you all know how my treatment went on Wednesday. Basically, I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds, so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail." No biggie, I guess.

Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.

If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.

Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.

Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!

On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!

Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda

Made it through my first chemo treatment!

What a relief to have that over with! They gave me this anti-nausea medicine that should last about 5 days.... so I don't know how that will feel once it wears off, but so far so good! I didn't feel sick at all yesterday, and I was just a little tired. I went home, took a nap for an hour, and got right back into the swing of things. Tim cooked dinner, and I ate (so I had an appetite... I was actually STARVING) and had ice cream for dessert.

I have another, shorter, session today, so we'll see how that goes. I am reassured now, though.

One thing that I must remember is that everyone I've talked to says that the first session or two aren't so bad. It's when you get further and further into it that things seem to go downhill and your body starts to take a toll. So, I am prepared for that, but right now I'm doing fine. What a relief! I was very worried.

Some of the other information that I finally have includes that I'll be going in every Monday for blood tests to see where my white blood cell count, red blood cell count, and platelet counts are at. If I'm not in an acceptable range, then they'll be giving me a drug to help boost whatever blood counts need help. Things like that CAN delay when and how often I have my treatments, but provided that everything goes smoothly, I'm looking at going every third week for 6 months. So, it's January now, I'm hoping to be over the worst of it by about June or July. After that, I'll still have treatments, but they aren't considered "chemo." Those are just other drugs to help me out.

I was told that if I do end up losing my hair, it could start within the next two weeks, but I've also talked to a couple of people whose hair didn't start falling out until their 3rd and 4th treatments. I guess we'll see. I do have a couple of wigs handy just in case, although I'm not sure I'll ever wear them. I'm actually more of a hat/scarf person, I think. We'll see. I have decided that if I do lose my hair, I want to get a portrait of Tim and I both bald at the same time. I think it'll be something cool we could do. I am trying to embrace as much of this as I can. If it's going to happen, I need plans in line to sort-of take control of the situation and wrap my mind around it.

I'm also looking at starting radiation around March or April. I have an appointment with the radiologist in March, but I don't know how long after that she'll wait to actually get me started. I'll keep you updated on that as I learn more in that area.

As for the rest of the family, Tim's still working on the upstairs. It's looking great, and we're very pleased with the outcome so far! Basically, we're going to have an extra master bedroom and master bath upstairs! So, between work, taking me to appointments, working on the house, and an algebra class that he's taking, he's a very busy man... talk about multi-tasking!

Ashleigh is doing great. She comes in and checks to see how I'm feeling and asks questions when she's ready for more information. She doesn't seem to want too much info too soon, so I let her come to me when she wants to know more. That way, she has the opportunity to digest a little at a time. As artistic as she is, I'd love for her to be able to paint something cool on the back of my head once I lose my hair and have a portrait taken. Her report card came out about a week ago, and she's got all A's, so we're very proud of her. She is also still dating Travis... a little over 8 months now! He's a very nice, respectful boy, so we like him.

Carley is also doing great. Kindergartners are graded on the "E, S+, S, S-" scale, and she has gotten all "Excellents" on her report card. She really seems to like school. Oh, and by the way, she WANTS my hair to fall out, so she can put temporary tattoos on my head. She also thinks that I should get wigs of all colors (including green and blue). She sees it as an opportunity to do something that I wouldn't normally do with my hair. I love the different viewpoints that the girls have on this whole situation. They keep me grounded and help me stay positive!

We are currently looking into getting both of the girls into magnet schools for next year. The school Ash is in is in a bad part of town, and they really don't have a great curriculum. I want to get her into an artistic program or into a law program. She has mentioned lately that she'd like to be a lawyer, and she never really likes signing up for art classes because she loses her freedom of expression when someone TELLS her what she has to draw/paint/etc. So, we'll see.

As for Carley, we're probably looking at either International Studies, which teaches about different cultures and languages, or a Math/Science/Technology school, which is also stuff that she is showing signs of interest in and that she is good at. She has a logical mind and this type of environment would really help her, we think. As we figure out what we're going to do with each of the girls, we'll let you know.

Oh, and since I am looking at about 6 months of treatment, and sessions tend to get worse as I move along, I've mentioned to my Mom that maybe she should wait until around April to come down so she can be here when the girls are on Spring Break. By that time, I'm sure I'll be feeling pretty crappy. That way, she'll be able to help entertain the girls somewhat while they're out of school, and we'll have the upstairs done by that time. We'll see how that goes, though. In March, Tim is planning on having some friends down to help re-roof the house, and is going to pay for their hotel in Daytona for bike week in payment. So, we're looking at some house guests during the beginning of March. I don't mind, though. I get tired of being home alone all day.

I guess that's about it. Thank you to all of the wonderful phone calls that I got yesterday. It was so nice to have everyone call and see how I was feeling. Just knowing that I have a cheering section and people to listen to my thoughts and so on was nice. I very much enjoyed all the calls!
Love, ~Brenda

Chemo today and tomorrow

Well, today's the big day.
I have no idea how to even say what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling!
Is it fear? maybe.
Is it relief to be moving forward? sure.
I am full of questions. Questions that neither I nor anyone else have the answers to.
Tim simply let me vent the other night. I wanted to know, "Why me?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this?"
"How do I even know the doctors aren't just lying to me?"
"The only time I feel sick is when the dr's do something to me."
"Is it just some elaborate insurance scam?"

Ok, I realize how fow fetched some of these questions are. Please realize that at the time, I wasn't very rational.
Wisely, Tim just listened, threw in the appropriate "Um hm's" and "Yes, dear's" whenever he felt I needed them.
This, among so many other reasons, is why I married him. He knows when I have a problem that I need help solving, and he knows when I just need him to listen. I'm told that a lot of men can't tell the difference.

Regardless, once I got over my little "conspiracy theory" episode, I did feel a little better. I was a teapot, letting off steam. Some of the pressure went away, leaving some room for common sense to build in it's place.
My mind seems to be a complex maze of thoughts, ideas, and fears that neither I, nor anyone else, can understand. I just have to do this day by day to see where the next treatment takes me.

Meanwhile, life goes on and our house is waking up for the day. Tim just went to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and I heard the front door close a few moments ago as Ashleigh left for the school bus. My alarm tells me to wake Carley for school. It's a big day today for her today, because the kindergarden classes have been learning to count to 100 this year, and today is the 100th day of school. The kids all decorated t-shirts and everything. I can't wait for her to come home this afternoon and tell me all about the "100 things" that they did today.
It's little moments like just listening to the movements of my family in my home and hearing about their day that reminds me why I can't just curl up and hide from all of this.

What would hiding show my children, anyways? That it's ok to be a coward?
Please excuse my randomness this morning. I can't seem to focus. People have been telling me what an inspiration I am. I disagree. We do what we need to do.
Am I brave? No.
Am I strong? No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.
I keep going because I have to. I have no choice. It isn't because I'm brave or strong. Just because I can't do anything else. I am left without a choice, because dying isn't a choice.
I do wish it was all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore, of course.
I often think that.
That's not brave, strong, or inspirational. It's just selfish. I realize that.
I know that after today, I will begin feeling worse and worse, and the anger I feel right now has nothing on what I WILL feel very soon. Fortunately, I have a family that understands that and just allows me to vent whenever I need to, and we move on.
One day at a time.

Again, forgive my randomness.... too many thoughts, not fast enough fingers. lol.
Love, ~Brenda

St. Agatha of Catania

This was something interesting that I found online about a female Saint that has become, among other things, the Patron Saint of Breast Cancer. I thought it was interesting. The website where it was found was: http://www.saintpatrickdc.org/ss/0205.htm There are other saints listed on that page, but this is the one I was interested in:

Agatha of Catania VM (RM)

Born at Palermo or Catania, Sicily; died at Catania, Sicily, c. 250 (?). There certainly was a martyr named Agatha at Catania, who was venerated there from very early times as demonstrated by her inclusion in Saint Jerome's Martyrology, the calendar of Carthage (c. 530), the canon of the Roman Mass, and Carmina by Venantius Fortunatus, but nothing else is known of her. There are many versions of the basic legend included here.

Agatha must have been beautiful and wealthy for the Sicilian consul Quintinian tried to force her to become his wife. When she refused because she had already dedicated herself to God as a virgin, he turned against her and decided to punish her by installing the pure girl in a brothel for a month. She resisted all attempts to shame her.

When this didn't work, Quintinian, who did not believe in God, brought her before the courts on the charge of belonging to the outlawed Christian sect. The accounts of her tortures are frightful--racked, scourged, branded. Even her breasts were cut off, and she was allowed no medicines or bandages or food when she was sent to a dark dungeon. It is said that Saint Peter appeared to her in a vision accompanied by a youth carrying a torch. He applied ointment and healed her wounds. Four days later, unmoved my the miraculous cure of her wounds, Quintinian caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with potsherds.

Agatha would pray passionately throughout all this: "Lord Jesus Christ: you know what is in my heart and mind. Take me and all that I am and make me Your own." Naturally Agatha believed that death would be a happy release from her torturers into the arms of Jesus. They carried her broken body back to her prison, while she prayed for release. At that moment, just after an earthquake, Agatha died in prison of her injuries.

A saint who bore such trials was greatly revered, and her tomb became a sacred spot for Christians. Saint Gregory the Great, for example, took a church which the Goths used in Rome, and reconsecrated it to the saint. The church of Sant'Agata dei Goti still stands, preserving the memory of this virgin martyr.
In a later period pictures of Saint Agatha carrying her severed breasts on a platter were mistaken as bread, which led to the practice of blessing bread on Saint Agatha's Day.

Her intercession as patron of Malta is credited with preserving the island from the Turks in 1551. Her prayers were also efficacious in preventing the eruption of Mt. Etna on several occasions. Its torrent of burning sulphur and stones was averted from the walls of Catania several times by the silken veil of Saint Agatha (taken from her tomb), fixed on a lance, and carried in procession. As the sacred relic met the lava, the flow would stop and the eruption end.
Her name is found in the litany of the saints and in all martyrologies: Greek and Latin (Attwater, Benedictines, Bentley, Delaney, Encyclopedia, Farmer, Husenbeth, White).

In art, Saint Agatha is a maiden martyr with a palm, two breasts held on a platter, and either pincers or shears (Tabor). Sometimes she is shown (1) with her breasts cut off or held in tongs; (2) crowned, with tongs and palms; (3) covering her shorn breasts as an angel brings her the martyr's palm; (4) holding a unicorn's horn; (5) with a torch and burning church in her hand (Roeder), or with a long veil (Tabor). She is depicted in the mosaics of Sant'Apolinare Nuovo in Ravenna, Italy (Farmer) and a picture of her martyrdom by Sebastiano del Piombo at the Pitti Palace in Florence, Italy (Tabor).

Agatha is the patroness of Catania, where she preserves Mt. Etna from erupting. She is also patroness of bell-founders (shaped like her breasts, or possibly because bells are used to warn of fire), firefighters, girdlers, jewellers, maltsters, nurses, wet-nurses, weavers, and shepherdesses. Agatha is invoked against earthquake, fire, lightning, storm, sterility, wolves, and diseases of the breast (Roeder, White).

The "Latest and Greatest"

Well, Tim and I went to visit with the oncologist yesterday. I had 1/2 of my blood taken out and put in vials, to be replaced later with drano..... or at least it seems like it. Then, they ran a baseline EKG on me, which came out fine. Finally, we watched a video, and then the nurse sat down and talked to us about some stuff.

First and foremost, she tells me that I'm going to have to give up my Mt. Dew. (I knew I didn't like her for some reason.) So, I bartered her down to only one a day (she tried to get me to agree to diet, caffiene free Mt. Dew... what's the point, really?????). So, we comprimised. I'm allowed either one cup of coffee OR one Mt. Dew each day. That's ok, I can deal with that.

Then she says that while she won't tell me that I'm NOT ALLOWED to drink, she claims that I won't want to. We'll see. While I realize that she has more experience than I do with chemo, what's the point in living now??? lol.... just teasing. I know she's right, and I'm willing to cave as long as I can still have my one Mt. Dew each day... Nectar of the Gods.... lol.

So, moving right along, my first Chemo treatment will be on Tuesday, January 23rd. I get there at 8:30 for a talk with the Doctor, and then my treatment will last for 4 hours! Then, I go back for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. The treatments won't usually take so long, but she said the initial dose is stronger than the rest, and after this time, it'll all get done in one day instead of spread out into two days each.

Thank you to everyone that I've talked to lately that have offered to go to my first treatment with me. I realize that 4 hours can be pretty long and I appreciate the offer. I have Tim coming with me, and really, he's all I want for now. I'm willing to humiliate myself in front of him if anything happens, because he has to love me anyways. It said so in our marriage vows, so I'm holding him to it. Really, though. I just want to spend that horrible first day with Tim. He always knows what to do to make me feel better, and I'm going to be scared enough without trying to put on a "strong face" for visitors.

Ok, on to the emotional part of me. So many of you see my actions lately. I'm fine one second, crying the next, and won't tell you why the third. I know that between Tim, my friend Chuck, and Tammy, they have recieved the brunt of it.

I try to shelter Tim from the worst of the news because I'm so afraid of making it worse. I love him so much that I can't stand to see him hurt or worried about me.

I party with Tammy because it helps me forget things and she always gives me permission to act immature.

Then I vent my emotions onto poor Chuck, who really shouldn't have to listen to me at all! I know you carry a huge burden with keeping my thoughts bottled up inside.

Thanks for the part all three of you play in my life. I would be lost without any one of you.

As for the rest of you that have tried to talk to me.... Thank you so much for being a friend and trying. I don't know what makes Chuck and Tammy my confidants. I really don't. They just let me vent, act a fool, and then don't judge me for it later. Of course, Chuck always tries to talk about it again later, but I never want to. He has to wait until I'm ready, which seems to happen more and more lately.

Anyways, to anyone who has known me for any amount of time at all, you know that I don't share my feelings. I am not an emotional person. I do not tell people what my own personal thoughts are on anything. I put on a happy face and push on through like everything is just super, no matter what kind of nightmare is going on inside my head and/or heart. I solve my own problems, which is why it is so hard for me to share things with Tim. He wants to solve problems, but he can't solve this, so I try to shelter him from it instead. I know it bothers him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets scared, I get scared, and I worry enough for the both of us!

Ok, that's enough of that. That's another reason I don't share my feelings.... I tend to ramble, and I hate rambling. Basically, I just wanted to let everyone know that YES, there is a lot of termoil inside of Brenda's head right now, as you would expect under these conditions, but NO, I don't want to talk about it. It's not personal. I just can't make myself open up and spread my emotions on the table. It's like a brick wall and I can't knock it down and become vulnerable. I don't know how, and I probably never will.

But, if you'd like to call me and just chit chat about whatever, my phone light is on again! lol. I wasn't taking too many calls for the longest time because the phone never stopped ringing. Finally, I've found some quiet, so I'm able to talk again.

(Wow, I feel like a walking contradiction.)

Love, The Oxy-Moron lol

Aimee's Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk

Ok, now I'm not usually a pushy person (... well, ok, maybe I am sometimes) but I happen to have a legitimate gripe/complaint/bitch.

I have a friend, whom I've told you all about, named Aimee. She is getting a group together to walk the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk in Michigan to earn money for research. She is walking it in my name this year, and has been out running and working on her endurance in order to walk 60 miles in 3 days.

Problem is that I am literally the only person that has donated any money at all towards her cause. Give me a break.... I'm the one with the cancer! I can't believe that out of all my friends/family that care about me, not one of you can even consider donating $20 to support her team. I'm shocked. Even $5 makes a conscious effort on your part.

I guess in short, I figured it was a good cause, and the website gives you any information you may need, explaining what the money goes to and so on. If you're worried about giving your money away, then do your research, and then donate! (Please.)

Ok, I'm off my high horse now. If you really do have a legitimate reason not to donate to breast cancer research, then fine. Don't. It is still, of course, your money and your decision.

Thank you! Love, ~Brenda

P.S. Need directions on how to donate? Check my archives under 2006-10-15 and scroll down to "Aimee's Walk."