I went and got my usual Monday Blood Test yesterday, and I had the nicest compliment! I had one of the scarves that I bought in Spain wrapped around my head into a bun in the back, and a lady came up and said how pretty it looked and even had me show her how to do it! She was so sweet.
Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!
I do want to get on this website and order some of these, though before going to Bike Week. If you watch the videos, they look really cool and versitile. http://www.buffusa.com/index.html They're the same scarves that they give out on the Survivor shows each season, and you can do all kinds of things with them! Seemed pretty cool to me.
Going in for my second treatment of Chemo today. I'm not looking forward to that. I believe it's a conspiracy... every time I feel better and can taste food again they'll fill me full of more Drano. Bummer.
Also, by looking at my calender, we're supposed to be going to Bike Week in Daytona on the 8th-11th of March... my next treatment will be on the 6th. I wonder if I'd be able to talk my doctor into doing it either a week early or a week late. I REALLY want to go, and don't want to be sick the whole time! I plan on being a really bad-ass biker chick... no hair, are you kidding me? Who's badder than that??? Besides, I already have all my patches and my pins sewn on my bike vest, too. I'm trying to plan chemo around this, but I don't know if my Doctor will go for it. I'd hate to have to go psycho on her... j/k! lol.
I guess that's about it for now. We had a nice visit with my Mom and Dad and Grandma Marion this weekend. They were here Saturday afternoon and left around noon on Sunday to go further South in Florida. Can you blame them? It's warmer down there. They'll be back around Thursday for another couple of days. We'll probably hang around the house and BBQ or something, since I probably won't feel up to going out by then.
Anyhoo, that's the latest update. Not much new going on right now. Love and hugs to everyone! Thanks for all the great phone calls and e-mails lately! It's great to hear from people you haven't talked to in a while. Love, ~Brenda
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Well, I did it.
Well, I did it. Or rather, I had Tim do it.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.
Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....
I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.
It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.
The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!
I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.
The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.
Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.
My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.
As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.
The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.
Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....
I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.
It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.
The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!
I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.
The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.
Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.
My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.
As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.
The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Down the drain....
There it goes. Down the shower drain. My hair.
It started today.
Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.
How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...
I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.
That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).
What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.
I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.
Depressing....
I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.
Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?
All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.
Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....
And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.
Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!
It started today.
Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.
How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...
I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.
That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).
What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.
I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.
Depressing....
I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.
Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?
All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.
Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....
And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.
Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Great Weekend...
Hey, everyone! I hope you all had a nice weekend. I did! I finally started to feel better and was able to enjoy a few beers. Some foods are starting to taste normal to me again, thank goodness. So, Friday, we just hung out in our garage with Kevin and Tammy. We were all pretty tired from the week, so we didn't hang out late.
Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.
Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!
Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.
I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.
I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.
Love, ~Brenda
Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.
Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!
Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.
I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.
I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.
Love, ~Brenda
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Is it Thursday already???
Wow, this week sure has seemed to fly by. On Tuesday, I took the family to my friend's house and got portraits done in her at-home studio. It was so much fun! Carley thought she'd died and went to heaven because Marie had a whole wardrobe full of dress-up clothes, gloves, purses, hats, and so on! And of course, she's a camera-hog! Even the "moody-teenager" (Ashleigh) had a good time... and admitted it! lol. Marie was showing us some of the things she can do with the shots she took and this is going to turn out so great!!! We're going to have so much fun. My long-term goal is to combine all of my blogs and the photos that Marie takes, and see if we can publish a book to help other people see and read about my experiences. I'll have to do more research, but it would be fun! Anyone know any helpful tips?
Then, on Wednesday, Tim took me back to the Oncologists office, with the understanding that we were going to try to re-introduce the Herceptin into my system, with less benadryl this time. However, I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off until the 13th of February when I'm supposed to be starting my second cycle.
Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts. Here's a website:
http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-21884-Aranesp+Injection.aspx?drugid=21884&drugname=Aranesp+Injection
Plus, I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow. It's very painful! They did a swab on it, and it showed no signs of infection. So, whatever it is that is causing it, it's not a virus, apparently. So, it just adds to my "humorous" situation.
Finally, because of the nose bleeds, sore throat, and low blood counts, the doctor decided not to do the herceptin. Instead, she decided to divide the one dose that I'm supposed to get every three weeks into smaller, weekly installments. It should be easier for my system to handle.
Today, I vacuumed the car, tried to take a nap, and then ran some errands before heading to the base for a second opinion on my throat problem. Their labs came back saying the same thing. They gave me this stuff to rinse my mouth out with that makes everything numb and tingly. It's horrible! I'd rather just not swallow at all then use that stuff.
I guess that's about it for now. We're headed to Keith and Tammy's this weekend for Lexi's 6th birthday! (Yay!) Her birthday is always a reminder that Carley's is only 6 weeks away. Guess I should start thinking about what I want to do for her. We'll see.
Not much else going on. The work on the house is SLOW to say the least. It's monsoon season outside, and Tim and Kevin are trying to move the bikes to Kevin's house so that they can put the big, long gurters in, to support the floors in the bedroom area tomorrow.... but I honestly doubt anyone will show up. Nobody has been here to work on the upstairs in 2 weeks. They keep saying that they had to wait on Curt to do some wiring... but all I've seen him wire is some temporary lights so that they can see better up there. The gurters were supposed to be here on Friday, but didn't show up until Wednesday morning. Mostly, I am just here to have the door unlocked IN CASE anyone decides to show up. So much for getting it done before we have people visiting from out of town! It's very disappointing... and to think that I was originally told that it would be done by mid-December. Sure, whatever.
Ok, sorry. That was a little cynical. I'm over it now. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I plan to sleep and try to get over this sore throat.
Love, ~Brenda
Then, on Wednesday, Tim took me back to the Oncologists office, with the understanding that we were going to try to re-introduce the Herceptin into my system, with less benadryl this time. However, I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off until the 13th of February when I'm supposed to be starting my second cycle.
Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts. Here's a website:
http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-21884-Aranesp+Injection.aspx?drugid=21884&drugname=Aranesp+Injection
Plus, I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow. It's very painful! They did a swab on it, and it showed no signs of infection. So, whatever it is that is causing it, it's not a virus, apparently. So, it just adds to my "humorous" situation.
Finally, because of the nose bleeds, sore throat, and low blood counts, the doctor decided not to do the herceptin. Instead, she decided to divide the one dose that I'm supposed to get every three weeks into smaller, weekly installments. It should be easier for my system to handle.
Today, I vacuumed the car, tried to take a nap, and then ran some errands before heading to the base for a second opinion on my throat problem. Their labs came back saying the same thing. They gave me this stuff to rinse my mouth out with that makes everything numb and tingly. It's horrible! I'd rather just not swallow at all then use that stuff.
I guess that's about it for now. We're headed to Keith and Tammy's this weekend for Lexi's 6th birthday! (Yay!) Her birthday is always a reminder that Carley's is only 6 weeks away. Guess I should start thinking about what I want to do for her. We'll see.
Not much else going on. The work on the house is SLOW to say the least. It's monsoon season outside, and Tim and Kevin are trying to move the bikes to Kevin's house so that they can put the big, long gurters in, to support the floors in the bedroom area tomorrow.... but I honestly doubt anyone will show up. Nobody has been here to work on the upstairs in 2 weeks. They keep saying that they had to wait on Curt to do some wiring... but all I've seen him wire is some temporary lights so that they can see better up there. The gurters were supposed to be here on Friday, but didn't show up until Wednesday morning. Mostly, I am just here to have the door unlocked IN CASE anyone decides to show up. So much for getting it done before we have people visiting from out of town! It's very disappointing... and to think that I was originally told that it would be done by mid-December. Sure, whatever.
Ok, sorry. That was a little cynical. I'm over it now. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I plan to sleep and try to get over this sore throat.
Love, ~Brenda
Monday, January 29, 2007
Happy Monday!
Hey, everyone! After a slightly rough weekend, this week seems to be off to an alright start. As I said in my last post, I had a small allergic reaction on Wednesday, and I've been feeling weird ever since, and every time I get one problem solved, another one pops up! Tim's already started calling me "Melman" after the hyprocondriac giraffe on Madagascar. So, in a nutshell, here's what's going on...
Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. I kept (and am still) getting aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be. So, I finally called the dr. on Friday. She had me get some Milk of Magnesia and see how that worked.
By that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda, beer... NOTHING! You know it's bad when I don't like my beer. lol! So, Tim took me to the grocery store and tried to buy some of my favorite foods to cheer me up... he said it was like shopping with Gandhi because I turned my nose up at everything! I didn't want to try my favorites because if they tasted bad, then they wouldn't be my favorites any more! So, we got a few things, and it turned into a day of experimenting to see what foods I could eat. I did try sushi, but hesitantly because I would cry if I didn't like that! Fortunately, it still tasted good to me.
So, Friday night rolls around, I am sitting in a hot bath, trying to take in liquids (nasty) and waiting for this Milk of Magnesia to work. I'm just all around miserable, unhappy, and frankly, just a little whiny. All of a sudden, I go from sitting in the tub trying to feel better to sitting on the "pot" trying to feel better. That stuff works a little too well! lol.
Once I was finally able to get that under control, I sat down in the living room to watch some TV, and I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It scared Tim because I don't ever get nose bleeds. So, he called the doctor that was "on call" at the oncologist's office. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal, so I got it to stop and we went to bed with the intention of heading to Atlanta to visit Tom and Jane on Saturday morning.
We woke up Saturday morning and started to get packed. I still had a bit of a stomachache, but I felt well enough to sit in a car all day, so I was ready to go. I was just excited to be going somewhere besides a doctor's office! Frankly, I am tired of my own house and tired of doctor's offices. I'm bored!!! lol. So, we packed and piled into the truck and stop off at Kevin and Tammy's to see if they would let the dog out while we were gone and my nose started to bleed again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd also had a nose bleed that lasted close to an hour that morning and another one in the shower before we left. Well, that was the final straw. We left the kids at Kevin and Tammy's and Tim called Tom and Jane to cancel the trip, and he took me to the hospital.
We were at the hospital for 4 or 5 hours, they ran some labs on me, and gave me 2 bags of fluid and sent me home. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, that's when I got the name "Melmen" from Tim. So, we went and got some food, then back to Kevin and Tammy's to hang out and watch a couple of movies.
Oh, I had heard that chemo makes some people lactose intolerant, though, so I decided not to eat any dairy at all on Sunday, to see if that was causing my stomachaches. My stomach felt fine all that day. So, I tried a bowl of cereal today to see if it made a difference, and YAY! it didn't. I still feel fine. What a relief that is. Can you imagine ME, growing up on a dairy farm, becoming lactose intolerant? My family would disown me for sure. lol!
So, like I said... it was a rough weekend (and I know it will get worse than this!) but I'm feeling better now. I still can't taste much, so it's really hard to force myself to eat and drink. I look at it as my weight-loss plan before bike week in Daytona. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go! I plan on being bald and having Carley put a huge biker tattoo on my head before I go. lol!!! It'll be funny.
Hugs to all. Love and miss those of you that I don't get to see often! Love, ~Brenda
Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. I kept (and am still) getting aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be. So, I finally called the dr. on Friday. She had me get some Milk of Magnesia and see how that worked.
By that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda, beer... NOTHING! You know it's bad when I don't like my beer. lol! So, Tim took me to the grocery store and tried to buy some of my favorite foods to cheer me up... he said it was like shopping with Gandhi because I turned my nose up at everything! I didn't want to try my favorites because if they tasted bad, then they wouldn't be my favorites any more! So, we got a few things, and it turned into a day of experimenting to see what foods I could eat. I did try sushi, but hesitantly because I would cry if I didn't like that! Fortunately, it still tasted good to me.
So, Friday night rolls around, I am sitting in a hot bath, trying to take in liquids (nasty) and waiting for this Milk of Magnesia to work. I'm just all around miserable, unhappy, and frankly, just a little whiny. All of a sudden, I go from sitting in the tub trying to feel better to sitting on the "pot" trying to feel better. That stuff works a little too well! lol.
Once I was finally able to get that under control, I sat down in the living room to watch some TV, and I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It scared Tim because I don't ever get nose bleeds. So, he called the doctor that was "on call" at the oncologist's office. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal, so I got it to stop and we went to bed with the intention of heading to Atlanta to visit Tom and Jane on Saturday morning.
We woke up Saturday morning and started to get packed. I still had a bit of a stomachache, but I felt well enough to sit in a car all day, so I was ready to go. I was just excited to be going somewhere besides a doctor's office! Frankly, I am tired of my own house and tired of doctor's offices. I'm bored!!! lol. So, we packed and piled into the truck and stop off at Kevin and Tammy's to see if they would let the dog out while we were gone and my nose started to bleed again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd also had a nose bleed that lasted close to an hour that morning and another one in the shower before we left. Well, that was the final straw. We left the kids at Kevin and Tammy's and Tim called Tom and Jane to cancel the trip, and he took me to the hospital.
We were at the hospital for 4 or 5 hours, they ran some labs on me, and gave me 2 bags of fluid and sent me home. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, that's when I got the name "Melmen" from Tim. So, we went and got some food, then back to Kevin and Tammy's to hang out and watch a couple of movies.
Oh, I had heard that chemo makes some people lactose intolerant, though, so I decided not to eat any dairy at all on Sunday, to see if that was causing my stomachaches. My stomach felt fine all that day. So, I tried a bowl of cereal today to see if it made a difference, and YAY! it didn't. I still feel fine. What a relief that is. Can you imagine ME, growing up on a dairy farm, becoming lactose intolerant? My family would disown me for sure. lol!
So, like I said... it was a rough weekend (and I know it will get worse than this!) but I'm feeling better now. I still can't taste much, so it's really hard to force myself to eat and drink. I look at it as my weight-loss plan before bike week in Daytona. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go! I plan on being bald and having Carley put a huge biker tattoo on my head before I go. lol!!! It'll be funny.
Hugs to all. Love and miss those of you that I don't get to see often! Love, ~Brenda
Friday, January 26, 2007
Minor Allergic Reaction
Good morning, everyone! Sorry it's take me a couple of days to get back on here to let you all know how my treatment went on Wednesday. Basically, I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds, so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail." No biggie, I guess.
Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.
If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.
Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.
Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!
On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda
Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.
If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.
Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.
Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!
On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!
Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Made it through my first chemo treatment!
What a relief to have that over with! They gave me this anti-nausea medicine that should last about 5 days.... so I don't know how that will feel once it wears off, but so far so good! I didn't feel sick at all yesterday, and I was just a little tired. I went home, took a nap for an hour, and got right back into the swing of things. Tim cooked dinner, and I ate (so I had an appetite... I was actually STARVING) and had ice cream for dessert.
I have another, shorter, session today, so we'll see how that goes. I am reassured now, though.
One thing that I must remember is that everyone I've talked to says that the first session or two aren't so bad. It's when you get further and further into it that things seem to go downhill and your body starts to take a toll. So, I am prepared for that, but right now I'm doing fine. What a relief! I was very worried.
Some of the other information that I finally have includes that I'll be going in every Monday for blood tests to see where my white blood cell count, red blood cell count, and platelet counts are at. If I'm not in an acceptable range, then they'll be giving me a drug to help boost whatever blood counts need help. Things like that CAN delay when and how often I have my treatments, but provided that everything goes smoothly, I'm looking at going every third week for 6 months. So, it's January now, I'm hoping to be over the worst of it by about June or July. After that, I'll still have treatments, but they aren't considered "chemo." Those are just other drugs to help me out.
I was told that if I do end up losing my hair, it could start within the next two weeks, but I've also talked to a couple of people whose hair didn't start falling out until their 3rd and 4th treatments. I guess we'll see. I do have a couple of wigs handy just in case, although I'm not sure I'll ever wear them. I'm actually more of a hat/scarf person, I think. We'll see. I have decided that if I do lose my hair, I want to get a portrait of Tim and I both bald at the same time. I think it'll be something cool we could do. I am trying to embrace as much of this as I can. If it's going to happen, I need plans in line to sort-of take control of the situation and wrap my mind around it.
I'm also looking at starting radiation around March or April. I have an appointment with the radiologist in March, but I don't know how long after that she'll wait to actually get me started. I'll keep you updated on that as I learn more in that area.
As for the rest of the family, Tim's still working on the upstairs. It's looking great, and we're very pleased with the outcome so far! Basically, we're going to have an extra master bedroom and master bath upstairs! So, between work, taking me to appointments, working on the house, and an algebra class that he's taking, he's a very busy man... talk about multi-tasking!
Ashleigh is doing great. She comes in and checks to see how I'm feeling and asks questions when she's ready for more information. She doesn't seem to want too much info too soon, so I let her come to me when she wants to know more. That way, she has the opportunity to digest a little at a time. As artistic as she is, I'd love for her to be able to paint something cool on the back of my head once I lose my hair and have a portrait taken. Her report card came out about a week ago, and she's got all A's, so we're very proud of her. She is also still dating Travis... a little over 8 months now! He's a very nice, respectful boy, so we like him.
Carley is also doing great. Kindergartners are graded on the "E, S+, S, S-" scale, and she has gotten all "Excellents" on her report card. She really seems to like school. Oh, and by the way, she WANTS my hair to fall out, so she can put temporary tattoos on my head. She also thinks that I should get wigs of all colors (including green and blue). She sees it as an opportunity to do something that I wouldn't normally do with my hair. I love the different viewpoints that the girls have on this whole situation. They keep me grounded and help me stay positive!
We are currently looking into getting both of the girls into magnet schools for next year. The school Ash is in is in a bad part of town, and they really don't have a great curriculum. I want to get her into an artistic program or into a law program. She has mentioned lately that she'd like to be a lawyer, and she never really likes signing up for art classes because she loses her freedom of expression when someone TELLS her what she has to draw/paint/etc. So, we'll see.
As for Carley, we're probably looking at either International Studies, which teaches about different cultures and languages, or a Math/Science/Technology school, which is also stuff that she is showing signs of interest in and that she is good at. She has a logical mind and this type of environment would really help her, we think. As we figure out what we're going to do with each of the girls, we'll let you know.
Oh, and since I am looking at about 6 months of treatment, and sessions tend to get worse as I move along, I've mentioned to my Mom that maybe she should wait until around April to come down so she can be here when the girls are on Spring Break. By that time, I'm sure I'll be feeling pretty crappy. That way, she'll be able to help entertain the girls somewhat while they're out of school, and we'll have the upstairs done by that time. We'll see how that goes, though. In March, Tim is planning on having some friends down to help re-roof the house, and is going to pay for their hotel in Daytona for bike week in payment. So, we're looking at some house guests during the beginning of March. I don't mind, though. I get tired of being home alone all day.
I guess that's about it. Thank you to all of the wonderful phone calls that I got yesterday. It was so nice to have everyone call and see how I was feeling. Just knowing that I have a cheering section and people to listen to my thoughts and so on was nice. I very much enjoyed all the calls!
Love, ~Brenda
I have another, shorter, session today, so we'll see how that goes. I am reassured now, though.
One thing that I must remember is that everyone I've talked to says that the first session or two aren't so bad. It's when you get further and further into it that things seem to go downhill and your body starts to take a toll. So, I am prepared for that, but right now I'm doing fine. What a relief! I was very worried.
Some of the other information that I finally have includes that I'll be going in every Monday for blood tests to see where my white blood cell count, red blood cell count, and platelet counts are at. If I'm not in an acceptable range, then they'll be giving me a drug to help boost whatever blood counts need help. Things like that CAN delay when and how often I have my treatments, but provided that everything goes smoothly, I'm looking at going every third week for 6 months. So, it's January now, I'm hoping to be over the worst of it by about June or July. After that, I'll still have treatments, but they aren't considered "chemo." Those are just other drugs to help me out.
I was told that if I do end up losing my hair, it could start within the next two weeks, but I've also talked to a couple of people whose hair didn't start falling out until their 3rd and 4th treatments. I guess we'll see. I do have a couple of wigs handy just in case, although I'm not sure I'll ever wear them. I'm actually more of a hat/scarf person, I think. We'll see. I have decided that if I do lose my hair, I want to get a portrait of Tim and I both bald at the same time. I think it'll be something cool we could do. I am trying to embrace as much of this as I can. If it's going to happen, I need plans in line to sort-of take control of the situation and wrap my mind around it.
I'm also looking at starting radiation around March or April. I have an appointment with the radiologist in March, but I don't know how long after that she'll wait to actually get me started. I'll keep you updated on that as I learn more in that area.
As for the rest of the family, Tim's still working on the upstairs. It's looking great, and we're very pleased with the outcome so far! Basically, we're going to have an extra master bedroom and master bath upstairs! So, between work, taking me to appointments, working on the house, and an algebra class that he's taking, he's a very busy man... talk about multi-tasking!
Ashleigh is doing great. She comes in and checks to see how I'm feeling and asks questions when she's ready for more information. She doesn't seem to want too much info too soon, so I let her come to me when she wants to know more. That way, she has the opportunity to digest a little at a time. As artistic as she is, I'd love for her to be able to paint something cool on the back of my head once I lose my hair and have a portrait taken. Her report card came out about a week ago, and she's got all A's, so we're very proud of her. She is also still dating Travis... a little over 8 months now! He's a very nice, respectful boy, so we like him.
Carley is also doing great. Kindergartners are graded on the "E, S+, S, S-" scale, and she has gotten all "Excellents" on her report card. She really seems to like school. Oh, and by the way, she WANTS my hair to fall out, so she can put temporary tattoos on my head. She also thinks that I should get wigs of all colors (including green and blue). She sees it as an opportunity to do something that I wouldn't normally do with my hair. I love the different viewpoints that the girls have on this whole situation. They keep me grounded and help me stay positive!
We are currently looking into getting both of the girls into magnet schools for next year. The school Ash is in is in a bad part of town, and they really don't have a great curriculum. I want to get her into an artistic program or into a law program. She has mentioned lately that she'd like to be a lawyer, and she never really likes signing up for art classes because she loses her freedom of expression when someone TELLS her what she has to draw/paint/etc. So, we'll see.
As for Carley, we're probably looking at either International Studies, which teaches about different cultures and languages, or a Math/Science/Technology school, which is also stuff that she is showing signs of interest in and that she is good at. She has a logical mind and this type of environment would really help her, we think. As we figure out what we're going to do with each of the girls, we'll let you know.
Oh, and since I am looking at about 6 months of treatment, and sessions tend to get worse as I move along, I've mentioned to my Mom that maybe she should wait until around April to come down so she can be here when the girls are on Spring Break. By that time, I'm sure I'll be feeling pretty crappy. That way, she'll be able to help entertain the girls somewhat while they're out of school, and we'll have the upstairs done by that time. We'll see how that goes, though. In March, Tim is planning on having some friends down to help re-roof the house, and is going to pay for their hotel in Daytona for bike week in payment. So, we're looking at some house guests during the beginning of March. I don't mind, though. I get tired of being home alone all day.
I guess that's about it. Thank you to all of the wonderful phone calls that I got yesterday. It was so nice to have everyone call and see how I was feeling. Just knowing that I have a cheering section and people to listen to my thoughts and so on was nice. I very much enjoyed all the calls!
Love, ~Brenda
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Chemo today and tomorrow
Well, today's the big day.
I have no idea how to even say what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling!
Is it fear? maybe.
Is it relief to be moving forward? sure.
I am full of questions. Questions that neither I nor anyone else have the answers to.
Tim simply let me vent the other night. I wanted to know, "Why me?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this?"
"How do I even know the doctors aren't just lying to me?"
"The only time I feel sick is when the dr's do something to me."
"Is it just some elaborate insurance scam?"
Ok, I realize how fow fetched some of these questions are. Please realize that at the time, I wasn't very rational.
Wisely, Tim just listened, threw in the appropriate "Um hm's" and "Yes, dear's" whenever he felt I needed them.
This, among so many other reasons, is why I married him. He knows when I have a problem that I need help solving, and he knows when I just need him to listen. I'm told that a lot of men can't tell the difference.
Regardless, once I got over my little "conspiracy theory" episode, I did feel a little better. I was a teapot, letting off steam. Some of the pressure went away, leaving some room for common sense to build in it's place.
My mind seems to be a complex maze of thoughts, ideas, and fears that neither I, nor anyone else, can understand. I just have to do this day by day to see where the next treatment takes me.
Meanwhile, life goes on and our house is waking up for the day. Tim just went to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and I heard the front door close a few moments ago as Ashleigh left for the school bus. My alarm tells me to wake Carley for school. It's a big day today for her today, because the kindergarden classes have been learning to count to 100 this year, and today is the 100th day of school. The kids all decorated t-shirts and everything. I can't wait for her to come home this afternoon and tell me all about the "100 things" that they did today.
It's little moments like just listening to the movements of my family in my home and hearing about their day that reminds me why I can't just curl up and hide from all of this.
What would hiding show my children, anyways? That it's ok to be a coward?
Please excuse my randomness this morning. I can't seem to focus. People have been telling me what an inspiration I am. I disagree. We do what we need to do.
Am I brave? No.
Am I strong? No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.
I keep going because I have to. I have no choice. It isn't because I'm brave or strong. Just because I can't do anything else. I am left without a choice, because dying isn't a choice.
I do wish it was all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore, of course.
I often think that.
That's not brave, strong, or inspirational. It's just selfish. I realize that.
I know that after today, I will begin feeling worse and worse, and the anger I feel right now has nothing on what I WILL feel very soon. Fortunately, I have a family that understands that and just allows me to vent whenever I need to, and we move on.
One day at a time.
Again, forgive my randomness.... too many thoughts, not fast enough fingers. lol.
Love, ~Brenda
I have no idea how to even say what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling!
Is it fear? maybe.
Is it relief to be moving forward? sure.
I am full of questions. Questions that neither I nor anyone else have the answers to.
Tim simply let me vent the other night. I wanted to know, "Why me?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this?"
"How do I even know the doctors aren't just lying to me?"
"The only time I feel sick is when the dr's do something to me."
"Is it just some elaborate insurance scam?"
Ok, I realize how fow fetched some of these questions are. Please realize that at the time, I wasn't very rational.
Wisely, Tim just listened, threw in the appropriate "Um hm's" and "Yes, dear's" whenever he felt I needed them.
This, among so many other reasons, is why I married him. He knows when I have a problem that I need help solving, and he knows when I just need him to listen. I'm told that a lot of men can't tell the difference.
Regardless, once I got over my little "conspiracy theory" episode, I did feel a little better. I was a teapot, letting off steam. Some of the pressure went away, leaving some room for common sense to build in it's place.
My mind seems to be a complex maze of thoughts, ideas, and fears that neither I, nor anyone else, can understand. I just have to do this day by day to see where the next treatment takes me.
Meanwhile, life goes on and our house is waking up for the day. Tim just went to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and I heard the front door close a few moments ago as Ashleigh left for the school bus. My alarm tells me to wake Carley for school. It's a big day today for her today, because the kindergarden classes have been learning to count to 100 this year, and today is the 100th day of school. The kids all decorated t-shirts and everything. I can't wait for her to come home this afternoon and tell me all about the "100 things" that they did today.
It's little moments like just listening to the movements of my family in my home and hearing about their day that reminds me why I can't just curl up and hide from all of this.
What would hiding show my children, anyways? That it's ok to be a coward?
Please excuse my randomness this morning. I can't seem to focus. People have been telling me what an inspiration I am. I disagree. We do what we need to do.
Am I brave? No.
Am I strong? No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.
I keep going because I have to. I have no choice. It isn't because I'm brave or strong. Just because I can't do anything else. I am left without a choice, because dying isn't a choice.
I do wish it was all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore, of course.
I often think that.
That's not brave, strong, or inspirational. It's just selfish. I realize that.
I know that after today, I will begin feeling worse and worse, and the anger I feel right now has nothing on what I WILL feel very soon. Fortunately, I have a family that understands that and just allows me to vent whenever I need to, and we move on.
One day at a time.
Again, forgive my randomness.... too many thoughts, not fast enough fingers. lol.
Love, ~Brenda
Sunday, January 21, 2007
St. Agatha of Catania
This was something interesting that I found online about a female Saint that has become, among other things, the Patron Saint of Breast Cancer. I thought it was interesting. The website where it was found was: http://www.saintpatrickdc.org/ss/0205.htm There are other saints listed on that page, but this is the one I was interested in:
Agatha of Catania VM (RM)
Born at Palermo or Catania, Sicily; died at Catania, Sicily, c. 250 (?). There certainly was a martyr named Agatha at Catania, who was venerated there from very early times as demonstrated by her inclusion in Saint Jerome's Martyrology, the calendar of Carthage (c. 530), the canon of the Roman Mass, and Carmina by Venantius Fortunatus, but nothing else is known of her. There are many versions of the basic legend included here.
Agatha must have been beautiful and wealthy for the Sicilian consul Quintinian tried to force her to become his wife. When she refused because she had already dedicated herself to God as a virgin, he turned against her and decided to punish her by installing the pure girl in a brothel for a month. She resisted all attempts to shame her.
When this didn't work, Quintinian, who did not believe in God, brought her before the courts on the charge of belonging to the outlawed Christian sect. The accounts of her tortures are frightful--racked, scourged, branded. Even her breasts were cut off, and she was allowed no medicines or bandages or food when she was sent to a dark dungeon. It is said that Saint Peter appeared to her in a vision accompanied by a youth carrying a torch. He applied ointment and healed her wounds. Four days later, unmoved my the miraculous cure of her wounds, Quintinian caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with potsherds.
Agatha would pray passionately throughout all this: "Lord Jesus Christ: you know what is in my heart and mind. Take me and all that I am and make me Your own." Naturally Agatha believed that death would be a happy release from her torturers into the arms of Jesus. They carried her broken body back to her prison, while she prayed for release. At that moment, just after an earthquake, Agatha died in prison of her injuries.
A saint who bore such trials was greatly revered, and her tomb became a sacred spot for Christians. Saint Gregory the Great, for example, took a church which the Goths used in Rome, and reconsecrated it to the saint. The church of Sant'Agata dei Goti still stands, preserving the memory of this virgin martyr.
In a later period pictures of Saint Agatha carrying her severed breasts on a platter were mistaken as bread, which led to the practice of blessing bread on Saint Agatha's Day.
Her intercession as patron of Malta is credited with preserving the island from the Turks in 1551. Her prayers were also efficacious in preventing the eruption of Mt. Etna on several occasions. Its torrent of burning sulphur and stones was averted from the walls of Catania several times by the silken veil of Saint Agatha (taken from her tomb), fixed on a lance, and carried in procession. As the sacred relic met the lava, the flow would stop and the eruption end.
Her name is found in the litany of the saints and in all martyrologies: Greek and Latin (Attwater, Benedictines, Bentley, Delaney, Encyclopedia, Farmer, Husenbeth, White).
In art, Saint Agatha is a maiden martyr with a palm, two breasts held on a platter, and either pincers or shears (Tabor). Sometimes she is shown (1) with her breasts cut off or held in tongs; (2) crowned, with tongs and palms; (3) covering her shorn breasts as an angel brings her the martyr's palm; (4) holding a unicorn's horn; (5) with a torch and burning church in her hand (Roeder), or with a long veil (Tabor). She is depicted in the mosaics of Sant'Apolinare Nuovo in Ravenna, Italy (Farmer) and a picture of her martyrdom by Sebastiano del Piombo at the Pitti Palace in Florence, Italy (Tabor).
Agatha is the patroness of Catania, where she preserves Mt. Etna from erupting. She is also patroness of bell-founders (shaped like her breasts, or possibly because bells are used to warn of fire), firefighters, girdlers, jewellers, maltsters, nurses, wet-nurses, weavers, and shepherdesses. Agatha is invoked against earthquake, fire, lightning, storm, sterility, wolves, and diseases of the breast (Roeder, White).
Agatha of Catania VM (RM)
Born at Palermo or Catania, Sicily; died at Catania, Sicily, c. 250 (?). There certainly was a martyr named Agatha at Catania, who was venerated there from very early times as demonstrated by her inclusion in Saint Jerome's Martyrology, the calendar of Carthage (c. 530), the canon of the Roman Mass, and Carmina by Venantius Fortunatus, but nothing else is known of her. There are many versions of the basic legend included here.
Agatha must have been beautiful and wealthy for the Sicilian consul Quintinian tried to force her to become his wife. When she refused because she had already dedicated herself to God as a virgin, he turned against her and decided to punish her by installing the pure girl in a brothel for a month. She resisted all attempts to shame her.
When this didn't work, Quintinian, who did not believe in God, brought her before the courts on the charge of belonging to the outlawed Christian sect. The accounts of her tortures are frightful--racked, scourged, branded. Even her breasts were cut off, and she was allowed no medicines or bandages or food when she was sent to a dark dungeon. It is said that Saint Peter appeared to her in a vision accompanied by a youth carrying a torch. He applied ointment and healed her wounds. Four days later, unmoved my the miraculous cure of her wounds, Quintinian caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with potsherds.
Agatha would pray passionately throughout all this: "Lord Jesus Christ: you know what is in my heart and mind. Take me and all that I am and make me Your own." Naturally Agatha believed that death would be a happy release from her torturers into the arms of Jesus. They carried her broken body back to her prison, while she prayed for release. At that moment, just after an earthquake, Agatha died in prison of her injuries.
A saint who bore such trials was greatly revered, and her tomb became a sacred spot for Christians. Saint Gregory the Great, for example, took a church which the Goths used in Rome, and reconsecrated it to the saint. The church of Sant'Agata dei Goti still stands, preserving the memory of this virgin martyr.
In a later period pictures of Saint Agatha carrying her severed breasts on a platter were mistaken as bread, which led to the practice of blessing bread on Saint Agatha's Day.
Her intercession as patron of Malta is credited with preserving the island from the Turks in 1551. Her prayers were also efficacious in preventing the eruption of Mt. Etna on several occasions. Its torrent of burning sulphur and stones was averted from the walls of Catania several times by the silken veil of Saint Agatha (taken from her tomb), fixed on a lance, and carried in procession. As the sacred relic met the lava, the flow would stop and the eruption end.
Her name is found in the litany of the saints and in all martyrologies: Greek and Latin (Attwater, Benedictines, Bentley, Delaney, Encyclopedia, Farmer, Husenbeth, White).
In art, Saint Agatha is a maiden martyr with a palm, two breasts held on a platter, and either pincers or shears (Tabor). Sometimes she is shown (1) with her breasts cut off or held in tongs; (2) crowned, with tongs and palms; (3) covering her shorn breasts as an angel brings her the martyr's palm; (4) holding a unicorn's horn; (5) with a torch and burning church in her hand (Roeder), or with a long veil (Tabor). She is depicted in the mosaics of Sant'Apolinare Nuovo in Ravenna, Italy (Farmer) and a picture of her martyrdom by Sebastiano del Piombo at the Pitti Palace in Florence, Italy (Tabor).
Agatha is the patroness of Catania, where she preserves Mt. Etna from erupting. She is also patroness of bell-founders (shaped like her breasts, or possibly because bells are used to warn of fire), firefighters, girdlers, jewellers, maltsters, nurses, wet-nurses, weavers, and shepherdesses. Agatha is invoked against earthquake, fire, lightning, storm, sterility, wolves, and diseases of the breast (Roeder, White).
Thursday, January 18, 2007
The "Latest and Greatest"
Well, Tim and I went to visit with the oncologist yesterday. I had 1/2 of my blood taken out and put in vials, to be replaced later with drano..... or at least it seems like it. Then, they ran a baseline EKG on me, which came out fine. Finally, we watched a video, and then the nurse sat down and talked to us about some stuff.
First and foremost, she tells me that I'm going to have to give up my Mt. Dew. (I knew I didn't like her for some reason.) So, I bartered her down to only one a day (she tried to get me to agree to diet, caffiene free Mt. Dew... what's the point, really?????). So, we comprimised. I'm allowed either one cup of coffee OR one Mt. Dew each day. That's ok, I can deal with that.
Then she says that while she won't tell me that I'm NOT ALLOWED to drink, she claims that I won't want to. We'll see. While I realize that she has more experience than I do with chemo, what's the point in living now??? lol.... just teasing. I know she's right, and I'm willing to cave as long as I can still have my one Mt. Dew each day... Nectar of the Gods.... lol.
So, moving right along, my first Chemo treatment will be on Tuesday, January 23rd. I get there at 8:30 for a talk with the Doctor, and then my treatment will last for 4 hours! Then, I go back for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. The treatments won't usually take so long, but she said the initial dose is stronger than the rest, and after this time, it'll all get done in one day instead of spread out into two days each.
Thank you to everyone that I've talked to lately that have offered to go to my first treatment with me. I realize that 4 hours can be pretty long and I appreciate the offer. I have Tim coming with me, and really, he's all I want for now. I'm willing to humiliate myself in front of him if anything happens, because he has to love me anyways. It said so in our marriage vows, so I'm holding him to it. Really, though. I just want to spend that horrible first day with Tim. He always knows what to do to make me feel better, and I'm going to be scared enough without trying to put on a "strong face" for visitors.
Ok, on to the emotional part of me. So many of you see my actions lately. I'm fine one second, crying the next, and won't tell you why the third. I know that between Tim, my friend Chuck, and Tammy, they have recieved the brunt of it.
I try to shelter Tim from the worst of the news because I'm so afraid of making it worse. I love him so much that I can't stand to see him hurt or worried about me.
I party with Tammy because it helps me forget things and she always gives me permission to act immature.
Then I vent my emotions onto poor Chuck, who really shouldn't have to listen to me at all! I know you carry a huge burden with keeping my thoughts bottled up inside.
Thanks for the part all three of you play in my life. I would be lost without any one of you.
As for the rest of you that have tried to talk to me.... Thank you so much for being a friend and trying. I don't know what makes Chuck and Tammy my confidants. I really don't. They just let me vent, act a fool, and then don't judge me for it later. Of course, Chuck always tries to talk about it again later, but I never want to. He has to wait until I'm ready, which seems to happen more and more lately.
Anyways, to anyone who has known me for any amount of time at all, you know that I don't share my feelings. I am not an emotional person. I do not tell people what my own personal thoughts are on anything. I put on a happy face and push on through like everything is just super, no matter what kind of nightmare is going on inside my head and/or heart. I solve my own problems, which is why it is so hard for me to share things with Tim. He wants to solve problems, but he can't solve this, so I try to shelter him from it instead. I know it bothers him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets scared, I get scared, and I worry enough for the both of us!
Ok, that's enough of that. That's another reason I don't share my feelings.... I tend to ramble, and I hate rambling. Basically, I just wanted to let everyone know that YES, there is a lot of termoil inside of Brenda's head right now, as you would expect under these conditions, but NO, I don't want to talk about it. It's not personal. I just can't make myself open up and spread my emotions on the table. It's like a brick wall and I can't knock it down and become vulnerable. I don't know how, and I probably never will.
But, if you'd like to call me and just chit chat about whatever, my phone light is on again! lol. I wasn't taking too many calls for the longest time because the phone never stopped ringing. Finally, I've found some quiet, so I'm able to talk again.
(Wow, I feel like a walking contradiction.)
Love, The Oxy-Moron lol
First and foremost, she tells me that I'm going to have to give up my Mt. Dew. (I knew I didn't like her for some reason.) So, I bartered her down to only one a day (she tried to get me to agree to diet, caffiene free Mt. Dew... what's the point, really?????). So, we comprimised. I'm allowed either one cup of coffee OR one Mt. Dew each day. That's ok, I can deal with that.
Then she says that while she won't tell me that I'm NOT ALLOWED to drink, she claims that I won't want to. We'll see. While I realize that she has more experience than I do with chemo, what's the point in living now??? lol.... just teasing. I know she's right, and I'm willing to cave as long as I can still have my one Mt. Dew each day... Nectar of the Gods.... lol.
So, moving right along, my first Chemo treatment will be on Tuesday, January 23rd. I get there at 8:30 for a talk with the Doctor, and then my treatment will last for 4 hours! Then, I go back for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. The treatments won't usually take so long, but she said the initial dose is stronger than the rest, and after this time, it'll all get done in one day instead of spread out into two days each.
Thank you to everyone that I've talked to lately that have offered to go to my first treatment with me. I realize that 4 hours can be pretty long and I appreciate the offer. I have Tim coming with me, and really, he's all I want for now. I'm willing to humiliate myself in front of him if anything happens, because he has to love me anyways. It said so in our marriage vows, so I'm holding him to it. Really, though. I just want to spend that horrible first day with Tim. He always knows what to do to make me feel better, and I'm going to be scared enough without trying to put on a "strong face" for visitors.
Ok, on to the emotional part of me. So many of you see my actions lately. I'm fine one second, crying the next, and won't tell you why the third. I know that between Tim, my friend Chuck, and Tammy, they have recieved the brunt of it.
I try to shelter Tim from the worst of the news because I'm so afraid of making it worse. I love him so much that I can't stand to see him hurt or worried about me.
I party with Tammy because it helps me forget things and she always gives me permission to act immature.
Then I vent my emotions onto poor Chuck, who really shouldn't have to listen to me at all! I know you carry a huge burden with keeping my thoughts bottled up inside.
Thanks for the part all three of you play in my life. I would be lost without any one of you.
As for the rest of you that have tried to talk to me.... Thank you so much for being a friend and trying. I don't know what makes Chuck and Tammy my confidants. I really don't. They just let me vent, act a fool, and then don't judge me for it later. Of course, Chuck always tries to talk about it again later, but I never want to. He has to wait until I'm ready, which seems to happen more and more lately.
Anyways, to anyone who has known me for any amount of time at all, you know that I don't share my feelings. I am not an emotional person. I do not tell people what my own personal thoughts are on anything. I put on a happy face and push on through like everything is just super, no matter what kind of nightmare is going on inside my head and/or heart. I solve my own problems, which is why it is so hard for me to share things with Tim. He wants to solve problems, but he can't solve this, so I try to shelter him from it instead. I know it bothers him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets scared, I get scared, and I worry enough for the both of us!
Ok, that's enough of that. That's another reason I don't share my feelings.... I tend to ramble, and I hate rambling. Basically, I just wanted to let everyone know that YES, there is a lot of termoil inside of Brenda's head right now, as you would expect under these conditions, but NO, I don't want to talk about it. It's not personal. I just can't make myself open up and spread my emotions on the table. It's like a brick wall and I can't knock it down and become vulnerable. I don't know how, and I probably never will.
But, if you'd like to call me and just chit chat about whatever, my phone light is on again! lol. I wasn't taking too many calls for the longest time because the phone never stopped ringing. Finally, I've found some quiet, so I'm able to talk again.
(Wow, I feel like a walking contradiction.)
Love, The Oxy-Moron lol
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Aimee's Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk
Ok, now I'm not usually a pushy person (... well, ok, maybe I am sometimes) but I happen to have a legitimate gripe/complaint/bitch.
I have a friend, whom I've told you all about, named Aimee. She is getting a group together to walk the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk in Michigan to earn money for research. She is walking it in my name this year, and has been out running and working on her endurance in order to walk 60 miles in 3 days.
Problem is that I am literally the only person that has donated any money at all towards her cause. Give me a break.... I'm the one with the cancer! I can't believe that out of all my friends/family that care about me, not one of you can even consider donating $20 to support her team. I'm shocked. Even $5 makes a conscious effort on your part.
I guess in short, I figured it was a good cause, and the website gives you any information you may need, explaining what the money goes to and so on. If you're worried about giving your money away, then do your research, and then donate! (Please.)
Ok, I'm off my high horse now. If you really do have a legitimate reason not to donate to breast cancer research, then fine. Don't. It is still, of course, your money and your decision.
Thank you! Love, ~Brenda
P.S. Need directions on how to donate? Check my archives under 2006-10-15 and scroll down to "Aimee's Walk."
I have a friend, whom I've told you all about, named Aimee. She is getting a group together to walk the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk in Michigan to earn money for research. She is walking it in my name this year, and has been out running and working on her endurance in order to walk 60 miles in 3 days.
Problem is that I am literally the only person that has donated any money at all towards her cause. Give me a break.... I'm the one with the cancer! I can't believe that out of all my friends/family that care about me, not one of you can even consider donating $20 to support her team. I'm shocked. Even $5 makes a conscious effort on your part.
I guess in short, I figured it was a good cause, and the website gives you any information you may need, explaining what the money goes to and so on. If you're worried about giving your money away, then do your research, and then donate! (Please.)
Ok, I'm off my high horse now. If you really do have a legitimate reason not to donate to breast cancer research, then fine. Don't. It is still, of course, your money and your decision.
Thank you! Love, ~Brenda
P.S. Need directions on how to donate? Check my archives under 2006-10-15 and scroll down to "Aimee's Walk."
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Finally, some Good News!
Hey, everyone! I had my ultrasound yesterday, and (YAY) there isn't anything wrong with me... down there. lol. Turns out that what they saw on the CT scan was just enlarged blood vessels, so it was no biggie. I don't even have a cyst. So, that was a sigh of relief.
Also, I go on Wednesday to get some labs done and talk to a nurse about learning to take care of myself during chemo.... eating right and all that. Finally (according to this calender that they gave me) I'm supposed to start chemo after a physical on the 23rd of this month. That's good, because I work on Mondays, have chemo on Tuesdays, and HOPEFULLY will feel well enough to be at work again on Thursdays. We'll see, but that's the plan so far.
I guess that's about it, though. I just wanted to let everyone know how my u/s went yesterday. I know some people were wondering.
Love, ~Brenda
Also, I go on Wednesday to get some labs done and talk to a nurse about learning to take care of myself during chemo.... eating right and all that. Finally (according to this calender that they gave me) I'm supposed to start chemo after a physical on the 23rd of this month. That's good, because I work on Mondays, have chemo on Tuesdays, and HOPEFULLY will feel well enough to be at work again on Thursdays. We'll see, but that's the plan so far.
I guess that's about it, though. I just wanted to let everyone know how my u/s went yesterday. I know some people were wondering.
Love, ~Brenda
Friday, January 12, 2007
Port Catheter results
Well, I got the catheter put in last night. Aunt Connie, I got your e-mail about Marie's, and I'm so sorry to hear that she's having so many problems with it. Can they remove it and put a new one in? I think I would definately ask. Sounds like the place that they put it was aweful! Mine is on my left side, just under my collar bone, so that it fits into that little groove. It's pretty sore today, but I don't think it's going to be too bad. It doesn't seem to be crooked or anything, but I'll be taking the bandage off tomorrow morning and will find out for sure.
As for my cyst that we recently found out about, I'm going in on Monday to have an ultrasound and get that checked. Hopefully it's nothing, but it's definately got to be looked into.
I guess that's about it for now. I just wanted to let everyone know that the port catheter surgery went without a hitch. They wanted to just sedate me, but I refused to be awake during surgery. I was so freaked out during the biopsey on my breast that I cried the whole time. I didn't want to go through that again, so I asked them to use general anestesia, which they did. Thank goodness for caring medical staff! I don't care much for my surgeon, but his staff is fabulous! Besides, Tim was right there, and I don't think the were gong to tell me "no" in front of him. He was stressing, so he had his "angry face" on. lol!
Love, Brenda
As for my cyst that we recently found out about, I'm going in on Monday to have an ultrasound and get that checked. Hopefully it's nothing, but it's definately got to be looked into.
I guess that's about it for now. I just wanted to let everyone know that the port catheter surgery went without a hitch. They wanted to just sedate me, but I refused to be awake during surgery. I was so freaked out during the biopsey on my breast that I cried the whole time. I didn't want to go through that again, so I asked them to use general anestesia, which they did. Thank goodness for caring medical staff! I don't care much for my surgeon, but his staff is fabulous! Besides, Tim was right there, and I don't think the were gong to tell me "no" in front of him. He was stressing, so he had his "angry face" on. lol!
Love, Brenda
Thursday, January 11, 2007
The news from last night.
Well, it's been a busy week. I had a dr's appt. on Monday, which was to make the appointment for Thursday to have my port catether put in. We're headed there in a little while.
On Tuesday, I had to drink barium dye (yummy.... not!) and have my PET scan. That was pretty uneventful.
Last night, the dr's office called me with the results of my CT scan, and they found a cyst on my left ovary. That scared me at first, and I'll admit that I'm still a little concerned, but the paperwork said that it is believed to be "unrelated to the known breast cancer." Plus, my friend, Tammy said that when she stopped taking birth control, she got a cyst, too, and they just put her back on BC to shrink it back down. Problem is that they're not going to put me back on BC because the hormones feed my cancer.
So, I'm supposed to be getting scheduled for an ultrasound so they can take a better look. I'll let you know more as I know more. Tim's pretty worried, though, because my tumor on my breast started out as a cyst and 6 months later, it was cancer. So, he doesn't know what to think. I try not to worry about too many things at once if I can help it, though.
I guess that's the news for now. Hope you're all doing well.
Love, ~Brenda
On Tuesday, I had to drink barium dye (yummy.... not!) and have my PET scan. That was pretty uneventful.
Last night, the dr's office called me with the results of my CT scan, and they found a cyst on my left ovary. That scared me at first, and I'll admit that I'm still a little concerned, but the paperwork said that it is believed to be "unrelated to the known breast cancer." Plus, my friend, Tammy said that when she stopped taking birth control, she got a cyst, too, and they just put her back on BC to shrink it back down. Problem is that they're not going to put me back on BC because the hormones feed my cancer.
So, I'm supposed to be getting scheduled for an ultrasound so they can take a better look. I'll let you know more as I know more. Tim's pretty worried, though, because my tumor on my breast started out as a cyst and 6 months later, it was cancer. So, he doesn't know what to think. I try not to worry about too many things at once if I can help it, though.
I guess that's the news for now. Hope you're all doing well.
Love, ~Brenda
Monday, January 08, 2007
Second 1/2 of Port Catheter story.
Well, Tim and I wasted about 3 hours of our time today that we'll never get back. I'm so angry right now! Ya know, it's not the cancer that is eating away at me. It's the medical and insurance run-around related to their "curing" the cancer. Well, by the time they get around to doing anything, this anomoly body of mine will have cured it on it's own. Then, the medical community will take too long to take blood and tissue samples from me to share the cure with the rest of the world! I swear, it's like dealing with a government agency!!!
Ok, I'm not done venting, but I'll explain: Last week, when my dr's office called me to schedule this procedure, they told me not to eat for four hours before the surgery and to bring someone with me to drive. So, I hadn't eaten anything since last night, and Tim and I got there at 10am. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour, then in the patient's room for 1/2 an hour, the dr. walks in like a whirlwind (like he always does.... he's always in a terrible hurry). He takes 10 minutes to tell me what this port catheter is, where it will be located, how it is inserted and so on (all information that I already had) and groping my chest looking for any weird lumps at the same time. Then, he sits down and asks Tim and I if we have any questions and that is when we asked why they weren't doing the procedure today. He said that he didn't want to do any surgeries without first explaining things. Well, I can respect that, but I already had this same speech (with diagrams, minus the groping) from my oncologist, so could he just do his job, please???? Apparently not. "Come back on Thursday and it'll be done then." And he signed a piece of paper, told me to get with Chris (the surgery scheduler) and left the room the same way he came in.
So.... we wait in the waiting room again (for about another hour or so) and Chris comes out and gets other people, but never me. Finally, I ask the lady if he went to lunch or something, because I was the only person left there! So, another 1/2 hour rolls by, and we finally get back to his office.... and Chris doesn't know why the dr. sent me to him. The surgery was already scheduled for Thursday, so he didn't have to do it! "OH, but wait a minute.... you do need to sign this paperwork...." turns out that I had to wait about 1 1/2 hours to sign my name ONE time to ONE piece of paperwork, which happens to be the SAME PAGE that the dr. signed right in front of me earlier! I was livid.
So, port catheter surgery on Thursday. On the flip side, however, there was a cancelation at the PET scan place, and I'm getting my scan done tomorrow morning instead of on the 17th. So, I get to drink a bunch of barium dye for breakfast. Lucky me!
Grrrr! I'm having a crappy day, and I'm so sick of this emotional roller coaster! I feel like I'm losing my mind just dealing with all of this stuff. Tim did call and file a complaint report today against the dr. and his staff. I don't know what good it'll do, and it didn't give the same feeling of release as screaming at someone would have, but we do what we can, I guess. On the good side, there's a HOPE meeting that I'm going to tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe it'll help. I dunno.
Love, ~Brenda
P.S. A couple of more sites to check out if you feel inclined:
Ok, I'm not done venting, but I'll explain: Last week, when my dr's office called me to schedule this procedure, they told me not to eat for four hours before the surgery and to bring someone with me to drive. So, I hadn't eaten anything since last night, and Tim and I got there at 10am. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour, then in the patient's room for 1/2 an hour, the dr. walks in like a whirlwind (like he always does.... he's always in a terrible hurry). He takes 10 minutes to tell me what this port catheter is, where it will be located, how it is inserted and so on (all information that I already had) and groping my chest looking for any weird lumps at the same time. Then, he sits down and asks Tim and I if we have any questions and that is when we asked why they weren't doing the procedure today. He said that he didn't want to do any surgeries without first explaining things. Well, I can respect that, but I already had this same speech (with diagrams, minus the groping) from my oncologist, so could he just do his job, please???? Apparently not. "Come back on Thursday and it'll be done then." And he signed a piece of paper, told me to get with Chris (the surgery scheduler) and left the room the same way he came in.
So.... we wait in the waiting room again (for about another hour or so) and Chris comes out and gets other people, but never me. Finally, I ask the lady if he went to lunch or something, because I was the only person left there! So, another 1/2 hour rolls by, and we finally get back to his office.... and Chris doesn't know why the dr. sent me to him. The surgery was already scheduled for Thursday, so he didn't have to do it! "OH, but wait a minute.... you do need to sign this paperwork...." turns out that I had to wait about 1 1/2 hours to sign my name ONE time to ONE piece of paperwork, which happens to be the SAME PAGE that the dr. signed right in front of me earlier! I was livid.
So, port catheter surgery on Thursday. On the flip side, however, there was a cancelation at the PET scan place, and I'm getting my scan done tomorrow morning instead of on the 17th. So, I get to drink a bunch of barium dye for breakfast. Lucky me!
Grrrr! I'm having a crappy day, and I'm so sick of this emotional roller coaster! I feel like I'm losing my mind just dealing with all of this stuff. Tim did call and file a complaint report today against the dr. and his staff. I don't know what good it'll do, and it didn't give the same feeling of release as screaming at someone would have, but we do what we can, I guess. On the good side, there's a HOPE meeting that I'm going to tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe it'll help. I dunno.
Love, ~Brenda
P.S. A couple of more sites to check out if you feel inclined:
- A CT (or CAT) scan: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ct-scan/FL00065
- A PET scan: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pet-scan/CA00052
Port Catheter insertion...
Well, today Tim is taking me back to the surgeon at Shand's Hospital to get a port catheter inserted into my chest. Here is a website to learn more, if you're interested. (Try not to look at the pictures, they were disturbing to me.)
http://www.mirs.org/rounds/ir_ports.htm
Now, they have to wait at least 7 days after this minor surgery to start chemo, but I'm scheduled for my PET scan on the 17th, so I won't be able to start until after that is finished. It's part of the several base-line scans that are to be done before they can start filling me full of draino.
For those of you that have been around me lately, I've been having some trouble dealing. I'm pushing away people who care, I'm angry, and honestly, I've been drinking quite a bit. Rather than head down the path to hell, I'm going to call my doctor on the base and see if he can get me some counseling. I have this crazy way of trying to make everyone else feel better, so I don't tell them what I'm thinking/feeling on the inside, and then it blows up like a volcano. (Besides, I'm not looking for sympathy, and who REALLY wants to know about someone else's issues?)
Anyways, things are progressing slowly. I went and got a couple of wigs from the American Cancer Society on Friday, which I'll take to have cut into a style I like and have them colored. I'm not entirely sure I'll wear them, though. They're a little creepy to me. They look cute on Carley though! lol.
I guess that's about all the news I have for now. Kids are back in school today (yay!). Ash's birthday was yesterday (15!) and we all went out to eat and she got an iPod... lucky kid! Her boyfriend took it home with him to download music on it for her, since she has no idea how to use it yet. I thought that was cute. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you for all the wonderful phone calls and e-mails that I've been getting! It's so nice to see how many people care and think about you!
Love, Brenda
http://www.mirs.org/rounds/ir_ports.htm
Now, they have to wait at least 7 days after this minor surgery to start chemo, but I'm scheduled for my PET scan on the 17th, so I won't be able to start until after that is finished. It's part of the several base-line scans that are to be done before they can start filling me full of draino.
For those of you that have been around me lately, I've been having some trouble dealing. I'm pushing away people who care, I'm angry, and honestly, I've been drinking quite a bit. Rather than head down the path to hell, I'm going to call my doctor on the base and see if he can get me some counseling. I have this crazy way of trying to make everyone else feel better, so I don't tell them what I'm thinking/feeling on the inside, and then it blows up like a volcano. (Besides, I'm not looking for sympathy, and who REALLY wants to know about someone else's issues?)
Anyways, things are progressing slowly. I went and got a couple of wigs from the American Cancer Society on Friday, which I'll take to have cut into a style I like and have them colored. I'm not entirely sure I'll wear them, though. They're a little creepy to me. They look cute on Carley though! lol.
I guess that's about all the news I have for now. Kids are back in school today (yay!). Ash's birthday was yesterday (15!) and we all went out to eat and she got an iPod... lucky kid! Her boyfriend took it home with him to download music on it for her, since she has no idea how to use it yet. I thought that was cute. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you for all the wonderful phone calls and e-mails that I've been getting! It's so nice to see how many people care and think about you!
Love, Brenda
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Clinical Trial/Chemo update
Alright, I know a lot of you are getting fed up with this whole "hurry up and wait" business.... but believe me, nobody is getting as irritated as I am. Here's the skinny: I am NOT starting chemo today.
I repeat: I AM NOT STARTING CHEMO TODAY.
Why, you ask? Well, turns out that I'll be giving this clinical trial a shot (I'll get to more info on that in a minute), and I need to get a port put into my chest for the chemo to be fed into. (That's another trip to Shands, to see my surgeon.) Otherwise, my veins will be a mess from so many injections. So, messing around with TriCare once again, and it looks like I may be able to have it put in around the beginning of next week. We shall see. Then, they have to wait 7 days after the port is in before they can start chemo. So, I'll keep you updated.
As for the clinical trial, the drugs that will be given include (here are websites with more info):
Docetaxel (Taxotere) http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04009a1;_ylt=AptZldqsi2e_6CnW9r7STcIkD7sF
Carboplatin (Paraplatin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d00185a1;_ylt=AtJYuLwa33CR8Y3QW38yFW8kD7sF
Bevacizumab (Avastin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d05214a1#d05214a1-important
Trastuzumab (Herceptin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04357a1;_ylt=Ag143k2SsVWDeiMVl3Cbb7MkD7sF
Now, if you take the time to look at the websites I've listed and see what goes on with these drugs, you may be asking why I'd opt for this clinical trial. Here's the deal...
I am an anomoly.
I am 31 years old (young).
I have a (paternal) family history of breast cancer.
On a scale of 1-3 for agressiveness, mine is a 3.
Getting into this trial ensures that I will be able to get the most advanced care possible. Since my cancer is so agressive, I need to be equally agressive. Plus, if you look up the three types of chemo that they were origionally going to give me, the health risks are similar.
Keep in mind that all the possible health risks listed are just that: risks. That does not mean that these things will happen to me. Try reading the warnings on a Tylenol bottle sometime. Yet, you still take them. Same with this. They have to tell you about the risks involved, no matter how big or small the risk is.
So, once again, my chemo has been delayed. They tell me how agressive the cancer is, but they sure are taking their time fighting it! On top of all that, my Mom is trying to figure out dates on when she should come to visit, but I don't have any answers for her. I know that has to be frustrating!
Anyways, I guess that means I'll just have to keep you all updated as I learn things. ~Brenda
I repeat: I AM NOT STARTING CHEMO TODAY.
Why, you ask? Well, turns out that I'll be giving this clinical trial a shot (I'll get to more info on that in a minute), and I need to get a port put into my chest for the chemo to be fed into. (That's another trip to Shands, to see my surgeon.) Otherwise, my veins will be a mess from so many injections. So, messing around with TriCare once again, and it looks like I may be able to have it put in around the beginning of next week. We shall see. Then, they have to wait 7 days after the port is in before they can start chemo. So, I'll keep you updated.
As for the clinical trial, the drugs that will be given include (here are websites with more info):
Docetaxel (Taxotere) http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04009a1;_ylt=AptZldqsi2e_6CnW9r7STcIkD7sF
Carboplatin (Paraplatin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d00185a1;_ylt=AtJYuLwa33CR8Y3QW38yFW8kD7sF
Bevacizumab (Avastin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d05214a1#d05214a1-important
Trastuzumab (Herceptin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04357a1;_ylt=Ag143k2SsVWDeiMVl3Cbb7MkD7sF
Now, if you take the time to look at the websites I've listed and see what goes on with these drugs, you may be asking why I'd opt for this clinical trial. Here's the deal...
I am an anomoly.
I am 31 years old (young).
I have a (paternal) family history of breast cancer.
On a scale of 1-3 for agressiveness, mine is a 3.
Getting into this trial ensures that I will be able to get the most advanced care possible. Since my cancer is so agressive, I need to be equally agressive. Plus, if you look up the three types of chemo that they were origionally going to give me, the health risks are similar.
Keep in mind that all the possible health risks listed are just that: risks. That does not mean that these things will happen to me. Try reading the warnings on a Tylenol bottle sometime. Yet, you still take them. Same with this. They have to tell you about the risks involved, no matter how big or small the risk is.
So, once again, my chemo has been delayed. They tell me how agressive the cancer is, but they sure are taking their time fighting it! On top of all that, my Mom is trying to figure out dates on when she should come to visit, but I don't have any answers for her. I know that has to be frustrating!
Anyways, I guess that means I'll just have to keep you all updated as I learn things. ~Brenda
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Clinical Trials....
Ok here's the latest and greatest information that I have for now. The Chemo treatments that they are talking about and their side affects are:
Adriamycin Side Effects: decrease of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets, hair loss, mouth sores, nail changes, discolored urine, severe sunburn with sun exposure.
Cytoxan Side Effects: decrease of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets, mouth sores, decreased appetite, taste changes, hair loss or thinning, changes in menstrual cycle, bladder irritation, nasal congestion.
I am supposed to get bloodwork done today, and Tim and I were supposed to have a "class" with one of the nurses to teach us how to care for me properly during chemo. But, I got a phone call from my oncologist's research assistant yesterday, and she said that I'm an excellent candidate for a clinical trial. Really, that's all I know so far. We're supposed to talk to her today, and she's going to give us all the info to see if it's right for me. I'll keep you all updated on that.
Here's a good website on describing what a clinical trial is and does. Good source of information. http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct/info/resources;jsessionid=FBE56EAD676A03AB85E2C45
Also, if they do continue ahead with the chemo, I will find out if I'll be taking Tamoxifen every 3 weeks over the course of the next year. That's the part that my oncologist had not decided about yet. So, I'll give everyone an update on that, too.
Finally, one last bit of news... My Mom is coming to stay with me. I'm looking forward to seeing her, and she's going to stay and help out with the kids and so on while I'm sick. That way, Tim can continue with his work and not miss too much, and also continue with the house construction. Hopefully this will work out well for us all. We just need to get her paperwork done so that she can take family/medical leave from her job. No biggie.
Well, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year! Love, ~Brenda
Adriamycin Side Effects: decrease of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets, hair loss, mouth sores, nail changes, discolored urine, severe sunburn with sun exposure.
Cytoxan Side Effects: decrease of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets, mouth sores, decreased appetite, taste changes, hair loss or thinning, changes in menstrual cycle, bladder irritation, nasal congestion.
I am supposed to get bloodwork done today, and Tim and I were supposed to have a "class" with one of the nurses to teach us how to care for me properly during chemo. But, I got a phone call from my oncologist's research assistant yesterday, and she said that I'm an excellent candidate for a clinical trial. Really, that's all I know so far. We're supposed to talk to her today, and she's going to give us all the info to see if it's right for me. I'll keep you all updated on that.
Here's a good website on describing what a clinical trial is and does. Good source of information. http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct/info/resources;jsessionid=FBE56EAD676A03AB85E2C45
Also, if they do continue ahead with the chemo, I will find out if I'll be taking Tamoxifen every 3 weeks over the course of the next year. That's the part that my oncologist had not decided about yet. So, I'll give everyone an update on that, too.
Finally, one last bit of news... My Mom is coming to stay with me. I'm looking forward to seeing her, and she's going to stay and help out with the kids and so on while I'm sick. That way, Tim can continue with his work and not miss too much, and also continue with the house construction. Hopefully this will work out well for us all. We just need to get her paperwork done so that she can take family/medical leave from her job. No biggie.
Well, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year! Love, ~Brenda
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Chemo Schedule....
Alright, everybody... I had my appointment yesterday with the oncologist. First, I'd like to say that I really like her a lot. She sat down and explained a lot to me, that nobody else would. My appointment lasted 1 1/2 hours, because she went through everything for me. Whatever I wasn't sure of due to medical jargon, she explained to me. She even wrote down notes in a book for me, so I could just sit and listen. So, here's what we have so far... A schedule:
12/28: Flu shot and pneumonia vaccine
12/29: Orange Park Medical Center for some scan (I forget what it was)
1/3: Bloodwork, followed by a training session for Tim and I with a nurse about chemo, how to care for yourself, etc.
1/4: Start Adriamycin and Cysoxan (chemo meds), which I will take once every 14 days for 2 months.
The oncologist is still trying to decide if she wants to put me on Herceptin or not. She says that they've had a lot of positive results with it, but it's usually reserved for people whose cancer has gotten into their lymph nodes. However, mine was rather agressive, and even though we caught it in time, and she is still considering it. If I do have to do Herceptin, it'll be given every 3 weeks for 1 year.
The side effects of the Chemo include hair loss, urine turnes red (because the meds are red), lowered white blood cells (risk of infection), lowered red blood cells (risk of anemia), and lowered platelets. So, blood work will be done weekly to keep track of those things. It also carries a 1-2% chance of heart problems, so there will also be scans on my heart regularly.
According to the oncologist, I'm an "anomoly." Great. How do I react to that? It's so unusual to find someone my age with breast cancer, apparently. Which makes it more difficult for me, because I want a support group full of people my age. How did it affect their families, their children, their marriages, their jobs, their health? Grrrr....
Anyways, I have markers for estrogen, so after chemo, I'll be on Tamoxifen, which basically puts my body through the symptoms of menopause. These are pills that have to be taken daily for 5 years.
Also, I have another appointment in March with my radiologist to figure out when that will all get started. So, while I'm not full of great news, at least it is news. I'm moving in a forward direction, which is better than I was, when I was just sitting around waiting on the insurance company.
Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and wishing you a Happy and very Health New Year for you and your families. Love, ~Brenda
12/28: Flu shot and pneumonia vaccine
12/29: Orange Park Medical Center for some scan (I forget what it was)
1/3: Bloodwork, followed by a training session for Tim and I with a nurse about chemo, how to care for yourself, etc.
1/4: Start Adriamycin and Cysoxan (chemo meds), which I will take once every 14 days for 2 months.
The oncologist is still trying to decide if she wants to put me on Herceptin or not. She says that they've had a lot of positive results with it, but it's usually reserved for people whose cancer has gotten into their lymph nodes. However, mine was rather agressive, and even though we caught it in time, and she is still considering it. If I do have to do Herceptin, it'll be given every 3 weeks for 1 year.
The side effects of the Chemo include hair loss, urine turnes red (because the meds are red), lowered white blood cells (risk of infection), lowered red blood cells (risk of anemia), and lowered platelets. So, blood work will be done weekly to keep track of those things. It also carries a 1-2% chance of heart problems, so there will also be scans on my heart regularly.
According to the oncologist, I'm an "anomoly." Great. How do I react to that? It's so unusual to find someone my age with breast cancer, apparently. Which makes it more difficult for me, because I want a support group full of people my age. How did it affect their families, their children, their marriages, their jobs, their health? Grrrr....
Anyways, I have markers for estrogen, so after chemo, I'll be on Tamoxifen, which basically puts my body through the symptoms of menopause. These are pills that have to be taken daily for 5 years.
Also, I have another appointment in March with my radiologist to figure out when that will all get started. So, while I'm not full of great news, at least it is news. I'm moving in a forward direction, which is better than I was, when I was just sitting around waiting on the insurance company.
Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and wishing you a Happy and very Health New Year for you and your families. Love, ~Brenda
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