My Life With Breast Cancer

Sunday... beach day!

2007-06-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! Headed to the beach again today. We also went on Friday. It's finally stopped raining long enough for us to go. The girls and I were getting cabin fever, and we even broke down and played outside in the rain on Thursday. But, we needed it, and our grass looks beautiful now!

We're trying to get as many trips to the beach in as we can before Tuesday. I didn't get my big dose of chemo last week, because my platelets were still to low... only 91,000, and they have to be over 100,000 before they'll even consider giving it to me. So, it's been six weeks since my last large dose. Just been getting herceptin every week in between. At this rate, I'll never get my last two big doses (fine by me, if you want my real opinion).

Anyhoo, also on the agenda, Tim's been working a tile job with a friend to get a little extra income, and I'm thinking about helping a friend's mom with cleaning houses after they are built before the buyers do their final walk-through. It would be work, but Tim and I could really use the money.

In other news, I think Judy and Jerry are on the way down from Tennessee this week (Thursday, I believe). They're coming to get the girls so they can spend 2 weeks up there with them. Tim and I won't know what to do with ourselves! I'm sure we'll get into something, though... lol!

Not too much else going on. I've been feeling pretty well, but I'll probably be down and out most of this week, after Wednesday. The big dose that I get on Tuesday usually kicks in by Wednesday afternoon, and I'm out until Sunday or Monday. So, I doubt I'll be on here again before next week.

Hugs, kisses and all that jazzzz to you. Hope you're all doing well. I miss you! ~Brenda

Here I am!

2007-06-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! It's been a while because I've had a LOT going on! The girls are on summer vacation, keeping me pretty busy, plus the amount of birthdays in June is overwhelming! Seems like we have a new one to celebrate every couple of days.

As for how I've been... I've been fine. Just busy! I still have 2 chemo sessions left to do, because my platelets were really low for the past couple of weeks. In the forties 2 weeks ago, and in the eighties this past week. Since it's been going up about forty a week or so, I should be up over 100 by this Tuesday, and ready to take my big dose of chemo again. Then I'll be down to only one more to go! YAY!

After that, I need to do 6 weeks of radiation, but I'm thinking that I'll wait until after the girls start school back up before I do that. It's supposed to make you really tired, and I don't want it to ruin the summer, or what's left of it.

Speaking of the girls, they are getting ready to spend 2 weeks in Tennessee with Tim's mom, so we'll be kid-free for a little while.... what shall we do???

Not much else going on. My hair is growing in nice and soft. The new puppy is a hellion, and we probably should have named her Lucifer or something like that instead... lol. Anyhoo, hugs to all. Hope you're doing well!

The light at the end of the tunnel!

2007-05-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a dr. appointment today, and although I only had Herceptin today, I have only 2 more big doses of chemo. One is next week, and the last one should be on June 26, provided all of my blood work looks good and I can get my doses on time! I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so tired of being bald, pale, heavy (larger than I'm used to), and just all-around unhappy with myself. My hair has started to grow back, but I'm thinking it'll fall back out, because my scalp has started to get really tender just like it did the last time it fell out. We shall see. I'm really bummed about that. I don't have much choice, though.

On to other news... The girls are out of school now, so I officially have a 10th grader and a 1st grader. My babies are getting so big so fast! We're talking about getting Ash into driver's ed classes this summer! Look out world! lol.

So, to celebrate the beginning of summer, Tammy and I took Ash, Carley and Brittany (her daughter) to the beach on Saturday. We all wore sunscreen, but still got burnt! It was pretty hot out. But, we managed to try to teach Carley to body surf... she loves it! Ash was working on learning to skim board. If I were about 10 years younger, I'd try, but as many times as she wiped out, I'd probably break a hip or something! lol. I guess I'll pass on that one.

Then, on Sunday, Tim and I, and Kevin and Tammy took a bike ride. We just went out to the Red Rooster and watched Big Engine play for a while. That was fun. Then we ate at Applebee's and headed home.

The girls spent the night at Tammy's on Sunday night, and then Tammy and I took them to Box Seats (sports bar) for lunch. It was a pretty quiet day on Monday. I think everyone was pretty tuckered out from the weekend. While we were out with the girls, Kevin Jr. took Kevin on a day-trip for his birthday. He rented jet ski's for 2 hours and they had a blast. The trip was a surprise, because nobody would tell Kevin where they were going.

Finally, since Kevin's birthday is tomorrow (Wednesday), we're going to have dinner and cake at their house tomorrow, and then we're planning a big party for him at the Fleet for Friday night (June 1st). We're all pretty excited about that.

I guess that's about all the news for now. Not much else going on. I hope you all had a fun weekend! Hope the weather was as beautiful for you as it was for us!

Feeling Normal

2007-05-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

Good News! I'm finally starting to start to feel a little more like a human being again! I'm not 100%, but I'm getting some more energy back, and the cold is starting to go away. Also, not too many nose bleeds this time around. That's always good, in my opinion.

Otherwise, not a whole lot going on. My pumpkin plants are getting huge, the blackberries are getting small berries on them, and the tomato plants are blossoming. The bugs really seem to like the sunflowers and the strawberries, though. So, I'll have to try a different bug spray on those, I guess.

The addition is moving along nicely, and we're HOPING to paint this weekend. We shall see, because I don't really think the mudding will be done in time. That's ok, though. I'm just happy to see any progress at all. I am told that I'll be able to actually USE my jacuzzi tub for the first time this weekend because it'll be totally hooked up. So, that's nice.

Oh, and two more things...

HAPPY RETIREMENT to Judy and Jerry! How very exciting! Congrats, you've both earned it. We love you!

Congratulations to the new SENIOR CHEIF Ray Hager! We all knew you could do it! Of course, you needed the pay raise, with all those kids... j/k! We love you, and are so proud of you!!!

Hugz, kisses, and all that jazzzzzzz.... ~B

Yup, it's Monday.

2007-05-21T08:54:00.001-07:00

So, I pretty much slept the whole weekend away. On top of the chemo making me feel crappy, I managed to catch Carley's cold. Is there anything that kindergartners don't catch and bring home? Those kids are just crawling with germs!!! I have completely lost count of how many times I've been sick this school year because of my low tolerance for germs and Carley being a disease-ridden child. Yucky!! She's lucky she's cute, or I'd sell her off to the Gypsies.

In other news, we had found a mole last week and toyed with the idea of building a little habitat and keeping it, but decided not to. So instead, we set it free in the "wild" (down the street by some trees) and got Carley a Guinea Pig, which we named "Igpay" (pig Latin for Pig). So, now everyone in the house has a pet. D.O.G. is mine, Paxil (the cat) pretty much adopted Tim, the puppy will be Ash's when she comes to live with us (she's D.O.G.'s daughter), and Carley has Igpa. As Tim puts it, "Nobody's allowed to ask for anything else!" lol.

Otherwise, we're all doing fine. We're hoping to be painting the upstairs by next weekend, but we shall see. We do have the colors picked out, though. I'm very excited about that. Also, this is the last week of school for the girls, so I'm sure we'll be spending a lot of time at the pool during the next couple of months until they go to spend a couple of weeks in Tennessee with Tim's Mom.

Not much else going on. Hope you all had a nice weekend. Hugs, ~B

Not feeling so hot.

2007-05-17T04:43:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. This is going to be pretty short today, because I'm not feeling so hot. I had my large dose of chemo on Tuesday, and I think that since it's been 5 weeks, it's worse than usual. My hair was finally starting to grow back in, and I'm wondering if it'll all fall back out now. My head hurts, my stomach is upset, I can't decide if I'm going to throw up or just sit next to the toilet, and my muscles ache everywhere. I feel like I've been beaten with a lead pipe. So, I'm going to take Carley to school, and go back to bed today.

Oh, one more thing. See the picture of our baby? She's 4 weeks old today. Her name is Solie.

Hugs to all, ~B

Chemo Day Update

2007-05-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone!

It's Tuesday, aka Chemo Day. Not a whole lot to report. My last post mentioned how my white blood cells were low... I MEANT that the platelets were low, not the white blood cells. I'd had so many problems with the WBC's that I must have had them stuck in my head when I posted the other day. Anyways, I got my blood work done again this week, and the platelets were still too low to do my big dose of chemo, so it was just Herceptin again today. The good news is that they were up to 92, and once they reach 100, I'm in the "safe zone" to do my chemo again. So, although I'm 2 weeks behind schedule, they are going up on their own. That means that I don't have to come in for injections every day this week, and I am no longer in danger of needing a transfusion! YAY! Thank you to everyone that offered to help out, though! It means so much!!!

Ok, as for this weekend, Tim had some friends over helping with the house again. They're getting so much done, and we're even starting to pick out colors for the walls! One of his buddies used to do drywall work, so he's been doing the mudding for free! I can't express to him how much we appreciate all his hard work. He's invaluable!!! So, that's moving along at a nice pace.

On Sunday, I planted mine and Carley's pumpkins and sunflowers into large pots to be outside. I didn't want to plant them in the ground because the St. Augustine grass will probably strangle out anything I plant. I also planted several strawberry plants, and some tomato plants. Today, I was cleaning up around the trees out back and found that raspberry plants are growing wild back there, amongst the bushes. So, I've made an attempt to dig up as many larger plants as I could and have put them into a large planter, too. Also, Tim bought me 4 large blackberry bushes today. So, I'm a happy little camper. I don't have a very green thumb when it comes to flowering plants (unless it's something simple like a hibiscus), but I can grow fruits and veggies! Tim wants to get me a greenhouse, but it's going to be on hold for a while, until we can get caught up on the upstairs addition.

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend, and in case I don't get on here again before Sunday, I want to wish all of you Mom's a Happy Day! I hope you have a nice weekend!!! Hugs and love from our family.

Wake up! It's Wednesday!

2007-05-02T05:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, let's see... time to fill you in on the weekend and the beginning of this week. I guess I'll start with Saturday, since my last post was on Friday. Tim had 5 of his friends show up this weekend to help with the house. They tore down "The Wall" that many of you were familiar with. It was Tim's idea to create a more formal living room, which in essence, shrunk our living room down to the size of a walnut. I hated the wall and would have gladly hugged each of those guys for coming over and removing it! So, my living room is a nice, big room again.. YAY! Also, they put up some drywall upstairs, and built the base for the upstairs air conditioner to sit on. Hopefully, they'll be back out this weekend to help some more.

Then, on Sunday, Kevin and Tammy decided to go on a bike ride, since it was so nice out. We were invited, but were working on the house so we didn't go. Well, on their way home, this jerk slammed on his brakes in front of them, and they ended up dumping the bike. Tammy got thrown into oncoming traffic... fortunately, the oncoming driver had fast reactions and stopped before she hit her! But, she's all scraped up and had hit her head on the pavement pretty hard. Kevin has a bruised chest, and his left shin and right thigh have large, swollen bruises from going down with the bike. Of course, he was more worried about Tammy than anything, so I think he hurt himself worse trying to get untangled to get to her. The bike itself isn't too bad. It still runs, and is scraped up along the left side. The front fender has a scratch, the foot lever for shifting, the clutch plate cover, and the rear light are all banged up. The good news is that they only have a $250 deductible on their insurance, so it won't be too bad to get it fixed. Tim dropped it off at the dealership for them yesterday. So, Kevin and Tammy were pretty shaken up, covered in road rash, but otherwise fine. Thank goodness! Tim and I took the trailer out there to them and picked them up and the bike after it happened.

Then, on Monday, I had some dr. appointments. I had to get my usual blood draw at my oncologists office. My white blood counts were the lowest they've ever been, so I only got herceptin yesterday, instead of my full dose, which is what I was due for. I have to go back on Friday for another blood test to see if I'm getting any better. If not, she wants to put me on a shot every day next week. We shall see. She also mentioned that if she has to, she'll get me a blood transfusion. Fortunately, Tim has already offered to be my donor so I don't get something from some stranger. Transfusions scare the hell out of me!

Also on Monday, I had to go to the base to get some blood work done... routine stuff for a 30+ check up. I guess they were supposed to do it last year, but got "sidetracked" by the cysts that they found in my breasts this time last year. Anyways the blood tests were for the normal stuff... thyroid, diabetes, and so on. I haven't heard anything back yet, so I'm assuming "No news is good news" with the base. They don't usually call unless there's a problem.

After that, I had my 6-month follow up mammogram. Of course, nobody mentioned that I had to pick up my October films from my surgeon at Shand's. So, I called them on Tuesday, and come to find out, the films were sent back to Baptist (I thought I was done dealing with Baptist!). So, I'm picking those up today and dropping them at the base to compare to my new mammograms that I got on Monday. Surprisingly, the mammos on Monday weren't that painful, (I think the technician was being extra careful, bless her heart!). But, I was very, very anxious and almost passed out! The last mammo that I had done was in October, when they did my Core Biopsy at Baptist Medical Center, and then they decided to do another mammo AFTER the biopsy! I was already freaked out and upset and scared, and then they wanted to squish my breast in a vice??? I came really, really close to passing out that day. They had to let me sit for about a 1/2 an hour and buy me an orange juice just get me through it! Fortunately, Tammy was with me, so she drove me home. Otherwise, I don't know if I would have made it.

So, anyways, back to this week... On Tuesday, I was supposed to get my big chemo dose, but as I mentioned before, I only got Herceptin this week, because of my low white blood cell count. I had a check up with my dr. and everything seemed otherwise ok, except that I have developed some weird nerve-like twitch in my thumb. Now, any of you that know me, know that I have unusual twitches sometimes anyways. I can't always get my shoulder comfortable, and when I feel nervous, I wiggle my fingers. This twitch is different... it's completely out of my control. I had noticed it about a week or so ago, and didn't think much of it. We all get those weird eye twitches and so on. That's what it's like, but in my left thumb. I wouldn't have even thought to mention it, except that it did it during my appointment and happened to point it out. Apparently, my dr. thinks it could be something, so she wants to keep an eye on it. If it doesn't stop, she wants to send me to a neurologist. I don't think it's anything major, though.

Anyways, so today, I have a 10:00 appointment with my radiologist at Shand's. She is supposed to be getting me situated with my radiation schedule. I'm not sure I'll actually get the schedule today, but we'll see. I do know that radiation generally lasts 6-7 weeks, 5 days a week. So far, that's all the info I have.

Ok, I guess that's the news for now. I would like to briefly point out one more thing... On my post from Friday, I mentioned that people are sending Tim nasty grams for my not writing on here... but where's my incentive? I get no responses... I get no e-mails... I get nothing in return. I have absolutely no proof whatsoever that anyone is even reading this, other than the fact that they mention it to Tim when I don't write! As far as I can tell, this is more of a diary than an online, public blog! Just an observation.

Oh, and one last thing... have you all helped donate to Aimee's 3-day walk? I haven't mentioned it in a while, but she's doing it in my name to raise money for breast cancer research! I happen to think it's a worthy cause! If you haven't given anything, please consider doing so!!! Thank you!

Guess I'd better post!

2007-04-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the grocery store, and had a message on my phone from Tim. Apparently, he's getting "nasty grams" because I haven't posted in a while. I love how that works... I get lazy, and he hears about it! lol. Anyways, so I guess I'd better get on here and let everyone know what's been going on....

I haven't been on here in a while because we had an unexpected (but very much welcome) house guest for about 10 days. There were some relationship problems and she decided to visit us for a little while to get away from it. I was thrilled that of all the places she could have gone, she chose to visit me! That's about as detailed as I'm going to get on that. I don't want to dish out someone else's problems all over the Internet.

On top of that, we have a new baby in the family! Sassy had her puppy! According to the x-ray there were supposed to be 3, but apparently 2 of them died (we think she ate them) so there is just one little, black female left. She's adorable, but fat!!! lol. She's growing like crazy. She was born on April 20th, and we're still waiting for her eyes to open. Of course, we're very excited "grandparents" because Sassy is my best friend's dog, and DOG is the daddy.

Also, last weekend, we went on a poker run (motorcycle ride) for fallen bikers. It was a beautiful day, and we had a lot of fun. I believe we put over 100 miles on the bikes that day. I couldn't believe how many bikes were there! There had to have been at least 300 motorcycles. It was pretty cool.

The girls are doing fine... they're excited about the school year being almost over. I believe their last day is the 25th of May. I'm going to have to find something for them to do all summer so they don't drive me nuts! Carley and I do have some sunflowers and some pumpkin plants started. She's very good about remembering to water them every afternoon when she gets home from school. We'll see if she remembers during the summer, though!

The upstairs is moving along slowly. Progress was held up a little when we started running low on money. Fortunately, we got our tax return and we're going to have a "working party" this weekend. I'm making potato salad, brownies, burgers and hot dogs, and so on. Hopefully, we'll get a lot done, since we can afford to get the stuff we need now. Once we finally finish the job, we'll get the house refinanced, and we'll pay off everything and just have one monthly bill. Plus, the house will be worth so much more!

I guess that's it for now. Today is just grocery shopping, laundry, and making food for the guys to eat this weekend. Love and hugz to everyone. Sorry it's taken so long to post! I try to keep myself busy, and so I don't take the time to sit at the computer too much anymore. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Adversity can bring you happiness

2007-04-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

In ‘Here’s the Bright Side,’ the author writes about cancer changing her life.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18023622/from/ET/

Best-selling author and former NBC News correspondent Betty Rollin wrote about her breast cancer and mastectomy in, “First You Cry,” followed by “Last Wish,” which dealt with the suicide of her terminally ill mother. So it may surprise you to learn that her new book is called “Here’s the Bright Side of Failure, Fear, Cancer, Divorce and Other Bum Raps.”

Here’s an excerpt: Introduction
I woke up one morning and realized I was happy. This struck me as weird. Not that I didn’t have all kinds of things to be happy about — love, work, good health, enough money, the usual happy-making stuff. The weird part is, when I thought about it, I realized that the source of my happiness was, of all things, cancer — that cancer had everything to do with how good the good parts of my life were.

When I thought about it more — and looked into it and started talking to other people —survivors, not only of cancer but of various other of life’s inﬁnite variety of bum raps — failure, divorce, illnesses and reversals of all kinds, death of a spouse, and so on—it turned out I was not alone. It turns out there is often — it seems very often — an astonishingly bright side within darkness. People more than survive bum raps: they often thrive on them; they wind up stronger, livelier, happier; they wake up to new insights and new people and do better with the people around them who are not new. In short, they often wind up ahead. There are even studies, scientiﬁc studies (!) that show that people often say they have beneﬁted from the terrible things that have happened to them.

Coping well is part of this phenomenon, but there’s more to it than that. Within each form of misery, there seems to be something of worth, a hidden prize waiting to be found. Sometimes it’s found right away, sometimes not: a painful, debilitating divorce or widowhood can lead, gradually, to a new tranquillity within and without. (Not to mention the possible emergence of a swell new mate. Have you ever encountered the particularly dipsy-doodle joy of a newly married widow or widower? A person who thought love was forever buried with a deceased mate, but by golly, here it is again!)

Or if it’s physical pain that has been endured, when the pain stops, you notice — and keep noticing—how well you feel. It’s thrilling to feel well! But nobody is thrilled about feeling well who hasn’t been feeling lousy, especially for a long while.

The prize — the bright side — may be as big as a barn or as small as a pea, but whatever its size, it seems to be directly born of suffering. When it’s as big as a barn, it’s an enduring gladness, and you may wind up feeling that whatever you went through was worth it (as I do). When the bright side is small, you may not feel that the bad part was worth it, but you come to feel that something good came from it, good that wouldn’t otherwise have been there. Sometimes that means wisdom. Often it means the extremely good feeling that you get when you’ve been through something tough. It’s a feeling of restored control and the sense of power that comes with restored control. Again, yes, coping ﬁgures into this; but mainly the bright side is what coping does for you, how it makes you feel about yourself and the world you live in.

The social scientists tell us now that as people cope successfully — and, they say, most do — they are uplifted, even elated. Having coped, you now know, as you didn’t before, that you can Do It. You now know what you’re made of. Having been through whatever it was that leveled you, you have come out the other side new and improved — as if you’ve had a sort of spiritual car wash.

The Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, talks about people having a “psychological immune system that defends the mind against unhappiness in much the same way that the physical immune system defends the body against illness.” And the worse the unhappiness is, he says, the more work the immune system has to do.

The bright side is almost always infused with gratitude. How many times have you seen on TV a family standing in a pile of rubble that used to be their house, weeping for joy because they’re alive? No family weeps for joy because they’re alive as they stand in the middle of their fully furnished living room.

Closer family relationships, a new appreciation of life, a sunnier outlook on just about everything, a feeling, perhaps for the ﬁrst time, of being entitled to put one’s own needs ﬁrst — these turn out to be among the bright sides of illness, according to a recent UCLA study of breast-cancer survivors. Funny thing is, the study was originally set up to examine the negative effects of the disease, but the researchers were stopped short by women who kept laying it on about the good stuff — about the bright side.

“More women reported improved self-image,” the study says, “feeling more self-assured, having survived the adversities of cancer .... In terms of relationships with other people, a high percentage felt more sympathetic and compassionate towards others. About 80 percent felt that some good things had happened in their lives as a result of the cancer.”

The UCLA study was small, but it was followed by larger studies with similar results. Some studies are so new they haven’t been written up yet. It’s not that there’s nothing negative in these studies; it’s that, as the data rolled in, “the positive was so prevalent, we could hardly believe it,” says Dr. Patricia Ganz, one of the lead researchers at UCLA. As a result, says Dr. Julia Rowland, director of the National Cancer Institute’s Ofﬁce of Cancer Survivorship, the ﬁeld of research has shifted. And now beneﬁts of other cancers are being studied, too.

Other researchers — again, to their surprise — have found similar results with other catastrophes, ranging from natural disasters to chronic illness. Susan Folkman at the University of California, San Francisco, found in her studies of AIDS patients that there was “a far more positive mood than negative.” Youngsters who experienced Hurricane Floyd and the subsequent ﬂooding emerged feeling better about their own competency than they had before. (At this writing, the results from Katrina aren’t in yet.)

Not to be confused with the power of positive thinking or trying to see the bad event as not so bad, the bright side has to do with ﬁnding the good, whatever form it takes, within the bad and proceeding from there. And as they proceed from there, “people grow resources and gain skills, wisdom, strength they didn’t know they had,” Folk-man says. “They review priorities; they have new meaningful goals; they live more in the moment.” It irritates Folkman when the accusation of denial comes up. “This is not denial. These people know what’s wrong. They just want to feel as good as they can.”

We cheery survivors of bum raps meet with a lot of in credulity, but not from one another. We know what’s up. What’s up is better than anyone could have imagined. We ourselves couldn’t have imagined it — before. It also turns out that if pain — physical and/or emotional pain — has been endured, one feels even more powerful and positive. “Paradoxical—or adversarial—growth” is what the studies call it. Meaning, the worse it’s been, the better, stronger, more powerful one winds up feeling.

I do suspect that the ability to ﬁnd the prize — the bright side —has at least partly to do with one’s nature. And one’s nature has partly to do with one’s parents’ natures. I think my own post-bum-rap cheer, for example, has a lot to do with my mother. My mother’s glass was chronically half full. That kind of take on life is not the same as optimism, by the way. It isn’t that my mother expected that things would turn out well. She thought they had turned out well. When I got breast cancer, for example, of course she was upset at ﬁrst, but ultimately, she shrugged. What’s a little cancer? Practically everyone has it. Besides, she added merrily, buying the surgeon’s comforting cliché, “they got it all!”

But even if you don’t start out with a positive nature, it’s still mighty pleasant to have escaped from what might have been The End. The end of marriage equals the end of happiness; the end of a job means the end of self-esteem. Cancer means The End, period. Not! People are so delighted and proud to be hanging in there. For some, it’s a triumph just to be breathing. “I had X, but here I am,” they exclaim — I exclaim! — as if they — I — had scaled a wall and made it down a rope to the ground. In a way they — we — have, and on the way down, moreover, we have learned a few things; we are enlightened, enriched, we have become improved versions of ourselves. Here, then, are some of the things I and my fellow bum-rappers have learned. We’ve learned the hard way. Not, it turns out, a bad way to learn—especially about the bright side and how bright it can be.

Excerpted from “Here's the Bright Side” by Betty Rollin (c) 2007 by Betty Rollin. Published by arrangement with Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.
© 2007 MSNBC Interactive

It's the Weekend!

2007-04-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

Not much going on today. Trying to find the energy to clean up the house somewhat and do laundry. I've been feeling both hot and cold for the past couple of days... clammy, I guess. Terrible feeling. Plus, the taste of food is aweful, so I can only eat fruits and steamed veggies. Everything else is pretty gross. It's hard to stay hydrated this way.

I have so many things that I want to get done, and I just don't have the energy. It's funny, though. People don't really "get" how little energy I have.
I'll say to someone, "I have no energy today."
And the'll reply with, "Yeah, me neither."
No, really.
I have motivation.
I have things that I want to do.
Things that I'd like to do.
I literally have NO ENERGY!
It is physically difficult to get up and do the things that need to be done.
Oh well.

Plus, the weather has warmed back up and it's beautiful again, so our friends want to go on a motorcycle ride... I don't have the energy for that, even with the sissy bar!
Ash wants to go to the pool... the hot sun (plus getting Carley ready and carrying all our stuff) literally drains the life out of me.
When I don't feel good, I really just want to be left alone, but life doesn't stop.
Ashleigh still wants her hair highlighted.
Carley still wants to eat dinner (I dunno why... she ate yesterday!).
It's all very exhausting.

So, that's how I'm feeling lately. So many things that I want to do, so many things that will have to be put off until they can be done.

Maybe I'll just go take a nap for a little while....

Yesterday's chemo is catching up to me

2007-04-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! Yesterday's chemo is finally catching up to me. I got up this morning and took Carley to school, then pressure washed the driveway. Tim planted a bunch of bushes in front of the house yesterday afternoon, and mud kept getting tracked into the house, so that needed to be taken care of. I cancelled Paxil's vet appointment, because he sounds like he's starting to feel better. Whatever it was, it seems to be going away. So, I just got out of the bath, and was drinking a bottle of water when I realized that my tastebuds are leaving me.... food was fun while it lasted. That's one of the yucky side-affects of the chemo. Food tastes terrible! Every time I can start to taset food again, they give me another big dose of the crap. I'll be so glad when this is over! So, now I'm whipped, and I'm headed off to bed for a couple of hours. Hope everyone has a nice day! Hugz, ~Brenda

Yup, it's Tuesday again.

2007-04-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! I went yesterday and got my blood test done, and everything came out normal. So, today they gave me my big dose of chemo. It usually takes about 24 hours before I start to feel crappy, but I'm already feeling a little drained and run down tonight. Oh well, I'll just go to bed after I write this.

The house is moving along slowly. The bedroom and stairway is all drywalled in, and they've been working on the bathroom. It'll be pretty cool once it's all done, and then we have room for people to visit us! Maybe we'll be able to clean all of the construction stuff out of the garage and start having people over to hang out at the bar again. That would be nice, because I miss playing darts. The last party we had was for Halloween.

In other news, the girls are doing fine. We celebrated Easter with baskets, then went to Kevin and Tammy's house for dinner and an egg hunt. We had ham, turkey, mashed potatoes, a 7-layer salad, macaroni and cheese, rolls, deviled eggs and stuffing. Of course, Tim ate so many eggs that he just about killed me Sunday night in bed... he was so stinky!!! lol.

By the way, Kevin came home from the hospital on Wednesday after his heart attack. He's doing much better now, but I'm sure he's bored. He's been working full time pretty much his whole life, so he has no idea what to do with himself. So, I've been watching him like a Mother Hen to keep him out of trouble. I'm sure it probably drives him nuts, but we don't want him rushing back into too much physical activity too soon, until he's cleared from the doctor. I'm sure I'm driving him nuts! Oh well!!!

Let's see... oh, I need to take my poor kitty to the vet tomorrow. His "meower" has been broken since Friday. He always comes into the bedroom and "talks" to us, and lately, his Meow has sounded like the batteries dying in a child's toy. I don't know if cats can get laryngitis, but that's what it sounds like. He acts fine otherwise. Still as crazy as ever!

One more thing, Tim talked to our friend, JD on the phone tonight. Some of you may be familiar with who he is, but for those that don't know, we got to know him and his family when we lived in Spain. They let us live with them for a little while when we moved back to the states, and then they ended up moving back to Rota. He had given us the painting of the lady in our bar. Anyways, he got onto me for not being on here often enough lately! I had to idea that there were actually people out there that checked this site daily! Oops! Here's the thing:

Since I don't work, and I feel like the only thing really going on in my life is cancer and construction, I can't think of anything interesting to get on here and talk about! I promise that I will try harder to keep everyone more informed, though. I realize that a lot of people that I don't talk to too often probably worry when I don't get on here for a while. They must think that something has happened to me. Don't worry too much. Nothing has happened. I do get depressed somewhat because I feel like I have no purpose in life. I get up, take Carley to school and then pick her up in the afternoon. I attempt to straighten out the house and do laundry when it needs it, but with construction, cleaning is pretty much useless. So, I'm bored, and therefore, feel my life is boring. So, I'M SORRY for not being more vigilant.

One more thing, I'd like to say hello to all of our friends in Spain! I can't begin to tell you how much all of our family misses being over there. We miss our friends, the places we used to go, the things we used to do, the carnivals and ferias, the beach being so close... mostly, I think we miss hanging out at the Residencia. So, I wanted to send love and hugs to everyone over there. Paqui, JD tells me that you've been able to find out what your headaches were being caused from. I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better! What a relief. Huge hugs to you, too. Thank you, everyone, that had a part in sending us the care package, too! I love all of the beautiful scarves. The olives are awesome!!! I think we miss those the most. Also, Tim's busted open two of the bottles of Cruz that were sent. He saves them for special occasions like someone would a fine wine. He's too cute.

I guess that's about it for now. Like I said, I'll put a lot more effort into being on here a lot more often like I used to be. Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

Love and Hugz from our family, ~Brenda

Ok, it's been a while, I guess.

2007-04-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't posted since the 22nd of March. I just haven't been motivated to get online lately. As I've mentioned before, the only thing really going on in my life has been cancer. I was supposed to have my "big dose" of chemo today, but couldn't, because my platelets were too low. So, they just gave me the Herceptin and sent me home. Hopefully, everything will be good enough by next week.

So, April. It's been an interesting month for my best friend, Tammy, and her family. We went to a friend's house to hang out on Saturday night, and Tim and Kevin left in the truck and Tammy and I were going to leave in the Jeep. Well, by this time, it was about 3am or so on Sunday (April Fool's Day), and Tim dropped Kevin at his house and then went home. About 10 minutes later, Kevin called him and said he thought he was having a heart attack. After Tim left, his chest got real tight and started to hurt, he got clammy, and felt like he was going to throw up.

(Looking back, he'd made a couple of comments throughout the day that were a little unusual, too. He mentioned that for some reason, he couldn't find a t-shirt that fit right. They all just felt uncomfortable around his shoulders and chest. Then, at our friend's party, everyone kept talking about how good the chicken was, and he told me not to eat it because it wasn't sitting right. He thought something was wrong with it.)

So, anyways, Tim headed right over and gave Kevin 4 baby aspirins (he keeps them in his truck because he gets heart palpitations when he's stressed) and then rushed Kevin to Orange Park Medical Center. No sooner had they walked in the door, the nurse was getting a wheelchair and Tim was giving information to the registering nurse, and Kevin just collapsed. He flat-lined and they had to actually bring him back! So, Tammy and I met them at the hospital and got to see him just for a minute before they life-flighted him to St. Vincint's hospital, where he had to have a stint put into his artery. Apparently, the artery was 100% clogged and he was a "ticking time bomb" according to the doctor. They said that Tim got him there just in time and the baby aspirin is probably the only thing that helped him hold out until he got to the ER. If he'd collapsed any sooner, he probably wouldn't have lived.

Scary stuff!

THEN, Tammy and Kevin's neighbors don't like them (because when we were in Daytona last month, the dad punched his 15 year old daughter for protecting the 4 year old twin daughters from him, and she ran to Kevin and Tammy's house and their daughters let her in and called the cops), so the neighbors are mad and find the dumbest things to harass them about.

So, on Sunday night, the older daughter had a friend over, and the bumper of her truck was sticking out of the driveway a little ways, blocking the corner of the neighbor's driveway (they're in a culdesac). Instead of knocking on the door and asking her to move the truck forward, they start kicking the side of the house, beating on the door, yelling at the teenagers and Kevin's wife and cussing at them. THEN, they actually called the cops, trying to say that the teenagers started it! This was Sunday night, the first night Kevin was in the hospital.

Then, they thought they'd be cute and call child services and try to report the family. Their daughters are ages 16 and 17, but have both dropped out of school. Even though they're not in school, they both have full-time jobs and are working on their GEDs. Then, they said that Kevin and Tammy drink in excess every night in front of their "children." (People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.) So, child services actually showed up at the critical care unit of the hospital at Kevin's room! Fortunately, Tammy was walking out and he talked to her before Kevin every knew he was even there. So, they're going to be filing complaints against child services and against the neighbors for harassment. Right now, for Kevin's heart's sake, he doesn't know yet, though.

Oh, but it gets better! By the time we got Tammy back to the house on Monday night after visiting hours were over, we found out that someone had broken into their house and stole a bunch of stuff! Turns out, it was some people that the older daughter knew and had found out that she'd gotten paid and hadn't gotten to the bank to deposit the money yet. So, they broke in, let the dogs loose to run off, stole the money, and whatever else they could carry out of the house quickly. So, we were all up waiting on the police and the CSI guy until about 3 am this morning. Needless to say, Kevin doesn't know about this yet, either.

When it rains, it pours. I feel so bad for them! Fortunately, Tim has been a lot of help for Tammy while Kevin has been in the hospital. Him and his friend, Tom went over and put motion sensor lights and new locks on her house for her today. He's also helped out by talking to the cops and the neighbors and so on. Poor Tammy doesn't handle stress too well, so we're lucky that Tim's there to help, or else she'd be in a bed next to Kevin by now!

I guess that's really about it for now. The girls are doing fine. Carley's class is having an Easter Egg Hunt tomorrow that she's all excited about. Ash got grounded because she had a D on her report card in one of her classes. She's also upset because her boyfriend of 10 months broke up with her. So, we've had more drama lately than I can handle!

The upstairs is coming along very nicely. The stairway is drywalled, the bedroom is drywalled, the shower is boarded in and ready for a shower pan to be poured, the "toilet room" is drywalled in, and the bathtub and vanity areas are spray painted on the floor. The jacuzzi bathtub that will be going in is currently downstairs in the box in the dining room. lol! My house is nuts right now. The garage is full of a/c ducting, insulation, and drywall. The tub is in the dining room, and there are boxes full of stuff in the foyer.

So, WELCOME TO MY WORLD! It's never a dull moment down here, I have to say. I hope everyone else's lives are a little less hectic right now!

Love, ~Brenda

Life lately

2007-03-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've realised, that I'm not living. I'm existing.

Going from one day to the next, doing nothing with my life, because I don't know what to do, or don't feel well enough to do it.

Friends call and I don't want to answer the phone because I have nothing to talk about.

My house is a mess because of constant construction, so I figure... what's the point in cleaning?

We're running tight on money and I feel like a complete leech because I can't contribute right now. All I ever do is sit around the house and just rot away. I'd like to go for a walk or something, but honestly, just doing little things tends to wear me out.

I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.

Then, the cherry on the cake was on Monday. A friend died recently while mowing his lawn and they had the memorial service. From what I understand, it was a heart attack. I would much rather go like that, than rot away watching your own demise. But, this friend, Mark, was not very old. 57, in fact. He was a very kind, optimistic, caring person. I knew him because he and his wife, Barb, would come into the bar where I worked. Once they found out I had cancer, they made it a point to come in and see how I was doing. I never had the opportunity to get to know Mark outside of the bar, but just to have had him touch my life in that small form meant a lot.

So, attending his memorial service really made me do some thinking. Life is short, and you only get one swing at this. I've always believed that, but it sure was hit home the other day. I'm wondering if I should plan my own memorial service... Just In Case. I do have certain things that I'd prefer. For instance, I'd prefer a "celebration of life" over a memorial. I'd like to be cremated, but haven't decided where I'd like my ashes spread. I'm leaning towards somewhere in Spain. I really do need to do some thinking on this.

Besides all of that, the girls are doing fine. They're on Spring Break this week. The upstairs is coming along nicely, and drywall is going up. A whole bunch of us are going on a motorcycle ride this Saturday. We're meeting up and riding to a local theatre where they're sectioning off a part of the parking lot for all the bikes and reserving a theatre for us all to see the movie Wild Hogs. All the bikers that I've talked to that have seen it said it was hilarious. The non-bikers that I've talked to didn't find it as funny. I guess they just don't get the whole biker mentality.

Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. Take care! Love, ~B

Happy Birthday, Carley!

2007-03-14T01:52:00.000-07:00

Well, we went to bike week, had a LOT of fun! I'm so glad that my dr. let me wait until this week to do my large dose of chemo. I couldn't have hung out nearly as much if I'd had it. As it was, I still had a tough time keeping up, just because I get tired pretty easily. No matter, though. We had a blast!

We got home on Monday afternoon, and the girls did fine while we were gone. Carley got to spend the weekend with Kayla and Lexi, Keith and Tammy's little girls. They're close enough that they might as well be cousins, so she enjoyed her time over there. Ash spend the weekend with Billie's daughter, Jasmine. She's one of the kids that stayed with us while her Dad was on his six month deployment a few years ago. She was 12 at the time, and just graduated high school this past year! Wow, how time flies.

I also got my blood test on Monday. I was worried that it would be pure beer... lol! But, the dr. said that I looked great, and my numbers were all finally back up, I'm not anemic right now. Thank goodness, because the shot they give you for that is painful! I also got my large dose of chemo yesterday, and so far everything is doing fine. I was tired, and had a little stomachache, but otherwise I'm good. Tim and I even went to Target to shop for Carley's birthday.

My little one is 6 today! She's having some friends over Friday evening for a small party. She's so excited about it!!! Also, side note... my friend, Jannian's birthday is on Saturday of this week.... St. Patty's Day! Happy birthday, Jannian!

I guess that's all the news for now. I posted a new picture from this weekend, with my "long hair" wig. I love this pic of Tim and I.

Hope you're all doing well! Love,~B

Angels and bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer

2007-03-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Angels and Bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer

By: Karen Ritchie M.D.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, strange things happen to other people. Cancer will probably change you, but it also changes people around you, people you thought you knew.

People behave in unexpected ways. Some you thought were friends disappear. Others hang around. And of those who keep coming around, you will be glad to see some, and less glad to see others.

You will find out who your friends are, as the saying goes. As if that's a good thing. As if anyone ever really wants to find out who can be counted on and who can't. Someone you rarely saw and didn't feel particularly close to may turn out to be the person who is most supportive, who most understands what you are going through.

Although each person's cancer experience is unique, there are some commonalities. The following is a guide to the creatures you may encounter.

Preachers
Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information. They are convinced that they know what is best for you, and they go out of their way to share their answers. They bring you books and tapes, herbs and pills, or they know where you can send money - usually a lot of money - to obtain a product that is guaranteed to cure you. This guarantee, on closer examination, turns out to be more like a strong opinion.

So they will assure you that vegetarians don't get cancer, or meditators don't get cancer, or those who think happy thoughts. None of which is true. They bring you tofu and sprouts when you really want a pizza, and then you feel guilty for eating pizza at all. They insist that you think positive, at a time when you are bald and nauseated and have a temperature of 104 and a major body part is missing.

Preachers are usually well-meaning and sincerely concerned for your welfare, so they are hard to ignore. They are convinced that the one thing they promote is the thing that will cure your cancer, if you only do it correctly. This last part is the kicker - if it doesn't work, you must not be doing it right.

Clueless

The clueless make inane comments. These comments usually fall into one of three categories:

Cancer is not really a problem. (e.g., Losing your hair/body part/health is not really a problem.)
Cancer is really a blessing. (You'll find out who your friends are. Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong.)
You caused your cancer.(Remember that time you had a negative thought? You are not praying hard enough.)

There are an infinite variety of idiotic remarks. When you have cancer you are liable to hear one or two that are amazingly thoughtless.

If preachers are honestly concerned for your welfare, the clueless are primarily concerned about themselves. They want you to be cheerful because it makes them more comfortable (this includes some health care personnel). Those who deny their own sadness and grief do not want to hear about yours.

The clueless want to believe that the world makes sense, that it is fair and just, that people get what they deserve. They are willing to ignore any evidence to the contrary. They don't really understand your situation; they cannot see your illness from your perspective. They are not interested enough to understand, or they are too fearful of their own well being.

But their ignorance is not your problem. Education of the clueless is extremely time-consuming and frequently doomed. It should be undertaken only in desperate circumstances, or out of sheer boredom. These people are exhausting. You may have to decide whether their company is worth the emotional cost, as you are likely to end up taking care of them.

Bolters
Bolters disappear when you are diagnosed with cancer. The bolter is someone who was always around before you had cancer, but now does not call and does not show up. Bolters may or may not send a card before they leave.

When questioned, bolters make excuses: they knew you were tired, or they knew you would ask if you needed anything, thus blaming their absence on you. Like the clueless, their distance reflects their own discomfort. They stay away because they are afraid of their own sadness or their own mortality.

A related creature is the virtual bolter. Virtual bolters may be physically present but act as if you were no longer there. They ignore you, as if you were invisible. You find yourself not invited to events, as if you didn't exist. You are suddenly excluded from a weekly meeting you have attended for years.

Like the clueless, bolters are generally resistant to logic and are thought to be incurable. When they are caught and questioned they blame others, and it may be best to simply let them go.

Angels
Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They drop by with a bag of groceries or they offer to walk the dog. They will listen when you need to talk, or they can just sit next to you and be there without having to do anything or say anything. They know that just being there is doing something. Angels tread lightly because they have no agenda of their own.

They treat you like the person you always were. They know that despite the cancer you are still you. Sometimes angels just know what you need, and sometimes they need to ask. An angel knows how to listen to the answer, how to listen to what you say and to what you're not saying. You can cry with angels and you can laugh with them, sometimes both at the same time. Some are born angels. Others have to learn, which takes time and may be awkward at first.

Fellow Travelers
For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey. Family members become fellow travelers out of necessity. Others stick with you by choice.

When you have cancer, they have it too. And in some ways their journey is harder, a time of frustration and powerlessness. While you can fight the cancer, they can only observe.

Fellow travelers want to be supportive, although at first they may not know how. They can become angels but it will take time. Most of us are not good listeners, and it takes a while to learn. You can help by being patient and by asking for what you need.

The clueless are right about one thing - there are good things about having cancer. The best is the opportunity for a closer relationship with those who care about you. And, of course, you learn who your friends are.

From the book Angels and Bolters: Women's Cancer Scripts

Permission needed to use articles on commercial and non commercial websites.

Thank you.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

2007-03-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it's hump-day, and bike week in Daytona. I got my weekly Herceptin yesterday, and we were on the bikes by noon, headed south. We didn't get home until about 11:00 last night, and we froze our butts off on the way home. I thought I would never be warm again.... yuck! lol. But, we have a condo rented for this weekend, with a pool, hot tub, and everything. Plus, it's right by main street, so we'll pretty much walk everywhere we go. We're taking the truck down there, and I'm gonna find a grocery story to stock food for us, so we're not spending a fortune on that stuff. I'm excited! We're gonna have a blast.

Otherwise, all's going well. I was supposed to get the big dose of chemo this week, but my dr. agreed to wait a week so I could enjoy myself in Daytona this weekend. So, the big dose is next Tuesday now. Since it's been 3 weeks since my last big dose, I've been feeling pretty good. My only side-effect right now is that I get tired and worn out pretty easily.

In other news, the upstairs addition is moving very slowly. The girls are doing great, spoiled rotten! And Tim is taking his final for his algebra class on Thursday and he'll be finished with that. I know he'll be happy to have that over with!

I guess that's about it for now. Love and hugz, ~Brenda

Been pretty busy!

2007-02-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! Sorry I haven't been posting as often as usual lately. My best friend, Tammy has been off work last week and this week (until March 14), so she's been keeping me busy. We've gone thrift-store shopping, planning our trip to Daytona for bike week, visiting her Dad's grave site, and basically just hanging out. It's been a lot of fun, but I don't have too much time to sit down and get onto the computer lately.

So, needless to say, I haven't been feeling too badly. I got my herceptin injection today. No bad side-affects. It usually just makes me feel a little light-headed for about an hour afterwards, so Tim took me to Lowe's to look at bathtubs, sinks, etc. for our upstairs, and so I rode around in the little handicapped cart. It was fun, but I kept hitting things when I turned, because it turned SO sharply. It was funny.

Oh, and my doctor agreed to postpone next week's chemo treatment until the week after bike week, so I wouldn't feel sick in Daytona. YAY! She said I wasn't allowed to make it a habit, though. I told her that I called Daytona's mayor and tried to get them to reschedule bike week around my treatment schedule, and he actually told me that because there were so many other people in the United States that had already taken vacation time and made plans for that week that rescheduling was out of the question. Go figure.... lol! So, I guess I'm not as important as I thought! lol. j/k

Not too much going on right now. Tim's taking time off work to grow out his beard before bike week, and using the time to work on our upstairs. It's going slowly but surely. Not fast enough in my opinion, but I am not really known for my patience.

In other news, Tim and I took the girls to a Monster Truck Jam last Saturday. It was so much fun!!!! Even Ashleigh got into it. I thought Carley's eyes would bug out of her head. A good time was had by all. We watched busses get smashed by monster trucks, we saw a couple of them flip over, one broke an axle, one lost an entire wheel and kept going. One even caught on fire and the guy dove out the window. Very exciting show, let me tell you! So, it was a fun way to spend the weekend.

For those of you not in Florida right now, the weather has been beautiful! I took the top off my jeep yesterday, and it was actually hot out today! I don't know how long this will last, but we're loving it! I drove my little cart through the garden section of Lowe's today, just to smell the spring flowers.... I'm so excited about planting flowers and I want a garden... I just don't have a place for it, because the squirrels will eat anything I plant. Little buggers.

Oh, and in other news, Tammy and I are talking about opening up a flower shop. She used to own one and had to sell it when her Dad got really sick about 10 years ago. But since I'm prior military, I may be eligible for a government small business grant. I'll have to do some research, but if we can get the money and find a location, we would like to go into business together. There is so much growth in our area right now, that we should be able to find a good location close to our houses, hopefully. Like I said, I'll have to do some more research on the subject. I'll keep you all updated on that.

I guess that's about it for now. Hope everyone's doing well. Love, ~Brenda

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2007-02-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, today is my Dad's birthday. I was taking Carley to school this morning, and had her call to wish him a Happy Birthday. He seemed to enjoy it. Mom said he was having his own little birthday party with his friends today, in the garage. Sounds like fun, wish I could be up there... except that it's COLD in Michigan! lol.

Let's see, not too much else going on. Tammy and I went and exchanged my wigs this week, so I have a "soccer mom" wig for daytime and a cool "rocker babe" one for at night. They're my disguises. We had so much fun trying on wigs, and were giggling like crazy!

I haven't been feeling too bad, other than the fact that everyone around me, including myself, seem to have sinus troubles right now. It's really dry in my house because of all the construction, so my nose bleeds sometimes and runs constantly. So, I get a lot of mucus down the back of my throat (gross!) and makes my stomach upset. On top of that, it's hard to find food that tastes good, because everything is yucky. I'm sick of sushi, so my choices are becoming more and more limited. I've finally started to just start forcing myself to eat something, even if I can't taste it, just so I"m not nauseous and/or hungry.

Otherwise, things aren't going too badly. Got a nice phone call from Jannian today. I'm trying to talk her into coming down to visit when Ray gets back from cruise. Our spare room should be done by then! Tim has class tonight, so there won't be any work done on the house. He's only got a couple of weeks left of his algebra class left, though! I know he'll be happy when that's over with.

I guess that's about it for now. Love, hugz and all that jazz.... ~Brenda

Can't sleep...

2007-02-19T03:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, two posts in two days. What is the world coming to? Anyways, I couldn't sleep because my nose was stuffed, a million things were going through my head, and my stupid dog wouldn't stop licking himself. Very annoying sound in the middle of the night. So, I got up and took a shower in an attempt to clear my head... figuratively and literally. It really didn't help either one, to be honest. My nose is still stuffy and I've still got things running around and bumping into each other up there.

Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.

Any suggestions on how to help a 5 year old cope with cancer? I try to explain things as beast as I can for her, but I don't know. I am sure that seeing her mom gaining weight, bald and scarred are not easy. It would scare me... in fact, I DO scare Me! Poor kid.

I did get something cool in the mail yesterday, though. Actually, it showed up on Saturday, but I didn't look through the mail until Sunday, and found a package for me. Aimee had gotten my address from me about a week ago, and she sent it along to a guy named Shawn Decker. In turn, Shawn sent me a signed copy of his book... "My Pet Virus." I've already read half of it. It's interesting because it's about his journey of fighting with illnesses, but it's not cancer-related. Plus, he's the same age as me, so his references to different things like Ric Flair and Depeche Mode are all things I can relate to. He does show a mildly humorous side of his illness, and I thought it was a very cool gift. So, that brightened my day somewhat. Also, she mentioned that he reads this blog, which I also thought was neat.... "Hi, Shawn!" lol.

So, anyways, back to the grind today. Monday blood tests. Herceptin IV tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it's not the herceptin that makes me lose my taste for things. I tried eating an oreo yesterday, and the white middle tasted like crisco. It was so gross! What kind of a world is it where dipping oreo's in milk is no longer an option? Why go on? So far, my food outline consists of pasta (with lots of sauce, whatever kind of sauce it may be), sushi, fruit, and soups. Those are the only things that taste right. Other things, I can taste, but they're AWEFUL! Some things, I can see and smell, but can't taste, which makes eating them really weird. Bread/toast is like that. I can see it, and it smells really yummy, but I put it in my mouth and it's like it's not even there. Really odd. Sweets are absolutely disgusting, too. Ash made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and the smelled sooooo gooooood... so I bit into one. OMG! It was really gross (sorry, Ash!). Everyone else said they were good. It's just me.

Ok, so it's 6:37am and I'm rambling because I have nobody to talk to. At least through this blog, I can pretend that someone is listening! I do wonder how many people have gotten sick of my rambling, bitching, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself, and just stopped reading. How many have finally figured out that I'm not as strong as they first suspected? Kind of a let-down, isn't it? I tried to warn everyone, but they just kept saying how strong and "brave" I was. Now you're beginning to see the light, aren't you?

Anyways, enough rambling for now. I'll write again in a few days. ~Brenda

It's been a while....

2007-02-18T06:37:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I haven't felt that great, and getting on here and telling the world how crappy I felt just didn't sound like that much fun. So, here's a brief review of my week...

Tuesday was "Chemo Day." Tim and I finally got out of there around 5:30 and I felt just fine. We hung out with some friends that night, and it was like I was perfectly normal. Weird.

Wednesday, Valentine's Day, was nice. Tim got me a little statuette of a man and a woman to put in my curio cabinet, and we had a crab leg picnic in our living room with the girls and Ash's boyfriend. I had a little bit of a stomach ache throughout the day, but no biggie. Apparently, my taste buds were going, though, because I had made some lemon-butter sauce for the crab, and added WAY too much lemon. Tim's face puckered, and I couldn't even taste it! It pretty much went all downhill from there.

Thursday, I spent most of the day in bed because everything tasted nasty, I was getting dehydrated, and my stomach was nauseous. I think a lot of my nausea is from this house being so dry. With all the construction going on, our heater is going non-stop and the air is really dry. Because of it, my nose is really dry, and my sinuses are all screwed up. So, (and this is gross) it's draining down into my stomach, making my stomach upset. That's my theory.

So, Thursday night, my Mom, Dad and Grandma came back on their way back through to Michigan. I hate that they came all this way, and I wasn't a very good hostess. I had nothing planned, and really didn't feel that great while they were here. It was a very short visit, and I felt bad that we weren't able to make better use of their time here. Unfortunately, I didn't even know what to talk about. As I've said before, the only thing going on in my life right now is cancer, chemo, and construction. I showed them the upstairs about 5 minutes after they got here, so that was covered. Sadly, I'm not the most interesting person right now. Who wants to hear about my nausea and headaches? Sinus problems? Can you believe that my hair actually HURTS? Yeah, weird.

So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.

Saturday, I forced myself to get up and do something, so Tim and I took Carley to see "Night at the Museum." It was cute, and then we went to TGIFriday's afterwards. Saturday night, Tim and I went to a going away party for someone that he works with. It was really nice to see everyone again. I think the last time we hung out with that particular crowd was around Halloween. Unfortunately, we only stayed about an hour, because I didn't feel that great already, and then the smoke was really getting to me. Smells bother me a lot more than they used to, and I felt like I was on the verge of throwing up. So, we had to cut our visit short.

Today, my nose is still acting up, and my stomach still feels icky. I got up and took a nice long, hot shower, trying to clear out my sinuses. It helps, but only for about an hour or so. Then it's back to the same crappy feeling. No plans today. Tim is working on the upstairs. Maybe I'll go to Tammy's house and bug her for a while. Their house isn't quite so dry.

Ok, I realize that this blog has been very negative and depressing. I'm sure not everyone really wants to read a list of my ailments... (ewwww!) but this is how I'm doing. Everyone asks how I am (like at the party last night), but do they really want to know? Of course not! So, my reaction is "Fine, and you?" because I know they don't want to hear about nausea, sinus problems, dehydration, lack of taste, etc.

I'm sinking slowly into a pit of depression and despair. I am tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being hungry and not being able to find anything that tastes good. I'm actually getting tired of sushi because it's all I can stomach/taste! Yes, I'm angry and bitter. I have a question for you to think about:

Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.

Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.

I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.

By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.

Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.

Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.
~"Aunt Fester"

More chemo today

2007-02-13T03:52:00.000-08:00

I went and got my usual Monday Blood Test yesterday, and I had the nicest compliment! I had one of the scarves that I bought in Spain wrapped around my head into a bun in the back, and a lady came up and said how pretty it looked and even had me show her how to do it! She was so sweet.

Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!

I do want to get on this website and order some of these, though before going to Bike Week. If you watch the videos, they look really cool and versitile. http://www.buffusa.com/index.html They're the same scarves that they give out on the Survivor shows each season, and you can do all kinds of things with them! Seemed pretty cool to me.

Going in for my second treatment of Chemo today. I'm not looking forward to that. I believe it's a conspiracy... every time I feel better and can taste food again they'll fill me full of more Drano. Bummer.

Also, by looking at my calender, we're supposed to be going to Bike Week in Daytona on the 8th-11th of March... my next treatment will be on the 6th. I wonder if I'd be able to talk my doctor into doing it either a week early or a week late. I REALLY want to go, and don't want to be sick the whole time! I plan on being a really bad-ass biker chick... no hair, are you kidding me? Who's badder than that??? Besides, I already have all my patches and my pins sewn on my bike vest, too. I'm trying to plan chemo around this, but I don't know if my Doctor will go for it. I'd hate to have to go psycho on her... j/k! lol.

I guess that's about it for now. We had a nice visit with my Mom and Dad and Grandma Marion this weekend. They were here Saturday afternoon and left around noon on Sunday to go further South in Florida. Can you blame them? It's warmer down there. They'll be back around Thursday for another couple of days. We'll probably hang around the house and BBQ or something, since I probably won't feel up to going out by then.

Anyhoo, that's the latest update. Not much new going on right now. Love and hugs to everyone! Thanks for all the great phone calls and e-mails lately! It's great to hear from people you haven't talked to in a while. Love, ~Brenda

Well, I did it.

2007-02-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. Or rather, I had Tim do it.
I couldn't take the shedding anymore.

Hair was in the shower...
on my pillow...
on my clothes....
on the floor....
in my hats....
in my car...
in my children's mouths when they hugged me....
stuck to Tim's head when he slept....

I couldn't take it any more.
I had Tim shave it all off last night. Now we match.
I am G.I. Jane.
Sinéad O'Connor.
Sigourney Weaver in Aliens.

It was one of the most difficult and emotional things I have ever had to do. I was laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing while still crying over the loss and injustice of it all. According to my friends and family, I look good bald. I have a "baby face" that makes up for it. I have yet to agree with them.

The most wonderful thing last night was when I was laughing/crying/being hysterical, Ashleigh just knelt beside me and held me. She didn't even have to talk. She knew I needed her and she just held me. She didn't care if my hair fell all over her. Sometimes kids are stronger than we are. I know she was last night and I needed it!

I am determined to make today a good day. We are riding the Harley's to Daytona for a day-trip. It will be fun, and I'll be in full biker-fashion. Tim, Kevin and I are all bald. Tammy is the only one in the group with hair! I'm sure people will just get out of our way. It will be too funny.

The thing that I find interesting is that I'm more emotionally drained now, from losing my hair than I was when I was actually told that I had cancer. When I got the news, I was pretty much numb. I didn't know how to react, so I just called Tim and then my Mom. Then, from all poking, prodding, surgeries, chemicals, weight-gain, depression, and so on. I was already feeling ugly and unattractive. I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.

Since I look like an "Angry, Aggressive Person" maybe I'll just start acting like one, too. I'll stop trying to be attractive and just be me. That's an interesting concept.

My other worry? My Mom, Dad and Grandmother are supposed to be arriving tomorrow. My Mom is probably not going to handle this very well. I'm just hoping she's better at dealing with it than I have been. She's stronger than I am, so I'm sure she'll surprise me. She often does.

As for Tim, he loves me no matter what. I know that... but it's still nice to hear sometimes. So, he bought me a really cool Harley hat yesterday, and some awesome sunglasses. He surprises me sometimes, too. After all these years, I don't know why he does, but it's wonderful. It's comforting to know that he loves me no matter what.

The question is... how do I learn to love myself through all of this? It seems so easy for everyone else to just accept what is happening. How do I? One day at a time, I guess.

Down the drain....

2007-02-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

There it goes. Down the shower drain. My hair.

It started today.

Yesterday, I took a shower and washed my hair... no big deal.
Today, I showered and found that I was shedding more hair than any animal that I'd ever seen.

How do I handle this? I tried my wigs on again...

I am incognito.
Undercover.
A secret agent.
Mission Impossible.

That, my dear, is not Brenda Austin. That is some freak in a wig (and sunglasses).

What do I do now? Do I cry. I took another shower, and cried.
I was home with only the girls, and I didn't want them to hear me freaking out. So, I freak out under the cover of my shower noise.

I was supposed to go out and meet some friends tonight. I don't want to leave the house.
My depression was bad enough. I'm gaining weight because I feel too sick to exercise much of the time. When I don't feel to sick, I finally feel well enough to actually eat, so that is what I do.

Depressing....

I've gone from 145 pounds to 168 pounds since October. I have almost reached my 9-month pregnancy weight!
I am bored. I have nothing to do all day, except to listen to the pounding in my head (construction upstairs) and read or sit at the computer.
My friends all work, so I have nobody to talk to all day.

Then, I think... if I had someone to talk to, what would I talk about?
Me?
My depressioin?
My soon-to-be-baldness?
My cancer?
Chemo?
My friend that has a much worse diagnosis than I do?

All the friends I'm making lately are cancerous. That's supposed to be supportive? That's what they keep telling me. While they're great people, I just want to run away, screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes.

Sadly, because there is nothing outside of my medical situation really going on right now, I have nothing to talk about. Grrrr....

And now I'm losing my hair.
And I look like a freak in a wig.
Tim's advice? Buy more beanies, because my head will get cold.
Thanks, hun.

Don't mind me. Today (obviously) is not one of my "good" days. Maybe tomorrow will be. We'll see!

Great Weekend...

2007-02-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! I hope you all had a nice weekend. I did! I finally started to feel better and was able to enjoy a few beers. Some foods are starting to taste normal to me again, thank goodness. So, Friday, we just hung out in our garage with Kevin and Tammy. We were all pretty tired from the week, so we didn't hang out late.

Saturday, Tammy and I took Carley to Keith and Tammy's house (confused yet?) for Lexi's 6th birthday. That was fun, and we got to meet a few new people. Kevin and Tim didn't go because they were working on the upstairs. Since the floor gurters finally arrived this week, they were moving in a forward direction, and I wasn't about to stop them from working to go to a kid's birthday party! lol. Then, that night, we had a bon fire in our front yard (in a fire pit) and burned all the old boards that were removed from the attic. That was fun. There were quite a few people around, and we finished the keg we had, plus floated a pony keg. What a bunch of drunks! It was a really nice night, though. Perfect to have a fire.

Sunday morning, we got up just in time to throw more wood on the fire and have coffee and breakfast in the front lawn. We looked like white trash, but it was fun, so we didn't care. People kept driving by and staring.... Then, Tammy, Brittany (her daughter), Carley and I loaded up the 4-wheelers (Ash didn't want to go) and went 4-wheeling all day. It was so much fun! Since Tim had put lights on them, we decided to stay until after sunset so we could play in the dark for a little while. By the time we got home that night, we were exhausted! It was a really fun way to spend the day, though. I was so glad that I felt good enought this weekend to hang out with everyone and have fun!

Monday was just another day. Nothing interesting.... blood work, laundry, people working upstairs... the usual. Then, today was just more of the same. I have a H.O.P.E. meeting tonight, but I don't think I'm going to go. The guest speaker is the same person that does the American Cancer Society's "Look Better, Feel Better" program. Since I've already been to the class, then I will probably skip going. Tammy did invite us over for a movie night, so maybe I'll see if they still want to do that.

I go tomorrow to get my shot to boost my blood cells, but I'm thinking I won't need it. I am feeling better, and less fatigued. They're going to be looking at Monday's bloodwork, and doing more tomorrow before they decide to give me the shot. I'm thinking they won't need to, though. We'll see.

I guess that's about it. They have made a lot of progress upstairs over the past few days. The bedroom area is ready for floors, wiring and drywall. That should be pretty well done this week, hopefully. I'm supposed to start looking at paint colors soon! I'm so excited! Of course, we don't have any furniture or anything for the spare room yet, but one thing at a time! Also, it'll be a while longer for the bathroom because there is more wiring involved and the plumbing. So, it's a little more work. I am happy to see forward progression, though.

Love, ~Brenda

Is it Thursday already???

2007-02-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Wow, this week sure has seemed to fly by. On Tuesday, I took the family to my friend's house and got portraits done in her at-home studio. It was so much fun! Carley thought she'd died and went to heaven because Marie had a whole wardrobe full of dress-up clothes, gloves, purses, hats, and so on! And of course, she's a camera-hog! Even the "moody-teenager" (Ashleigh) had a good time... and admitted it! lol. Marie was showing us some of the things she can do with the shots she took and this is going to turn out so great!!! We're going to have so much fun. My long-term goal is to combine all of my blogs and the photos that Marie takes, and see if we can publish a book to help other people see and read about my experiences. I'll have to do more research, but it would be fun! Anyone know any helpful tips?

Then, on Wednesday, Tim took me back to the Oncologists office, with the understanding that we were going to try to re-introduce the Herceptin into my system, with less benadryl this time. However, I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off until the 13th of February when I'm supposed to be starting my second cycle.

Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts. Here's a website:

http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-21884-Aranesp+Injection.aspx?drugid=21884&drugname=Aranesp+Injection

Plus, I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow. It's very painful! They did a swab on it, and it showed no signs of infection. So, whatever it is that is causing it, it's not a virus, apparently. So, it just adds to my "humorous" situation.

Finally, because of the nose bleeds, sore throat, and low blood counts, the doctor decided not to do the herceptin. Instead, she decided to divide the one dose that I'm supposed to get every three weeks into smaller, weekly installments. It should be easier for my system to handle.

Today, I vacuumed the car, tried to take a nap, and then ran some errands before heading to the base for a second opinion on my throat problem. Their labs came back saying the same thing. They gave me this stuff to rinse my mouth out with that makes everything numb and tingly. It's horrible! I'd rather just not swallow at all then use that stuff.

I guess that's about it for now. We're headed to Keith and Tammy's this weekend for Lexi's 6th birthday! (Yay!) Her birthday is always a reminder that Carley's is only 6 weeks away. Guess I should start thinking about what I want to do for her. We'll see.

Not much else going on. The work on the house is SLOW to say the least. It's monsoon season outside, and Tim and Kevin are trying to move the bikes to Kevin's house so that they can put the big, long gurters in, to support the floors in the bedroom area tomorrow.... but I honestly doubt anyone will show up. Nobody has been here to work on the upstairs in 2 weeks. They keep saying that they had to wait on Curt to do some wiring... but all I've seen him wire is some temporary lights so that they can see better up there. The gurters were supposed to be here on Friday, but didn't show up until Wednesday morning. Mostly, I am just here to have the door unlocked IN CASE anyone decides to show up. So much for getting it done before we have people visiting from out of town! It's very disappointing... and to think that I was originally told that it would be done by mid-December. Sure, whatever.

Ok, sorry. That was a little cynical. I'm over it now. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. I plan to sleep and try to get over this sore throat.

Love, ~Brenda

Happy Monday!

2007-01-29T11:08:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! After a slightly rough weekend, this week seems to be off to an alright start. As I said in my last post, I had a small allergic reaction on Wednesday, and I've been feeling weird ever since, and every time I get one problem solved, another one pops up! Tim's already started calling me "Melman" after the hyprocondriac giraffe on Madagascar. So, in a nutshell, here's what's going on...

Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. I kept (and am still) getting aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be. So, I finally called the dr. on Friday. She had me get some Milk of Magnesia and see how that worked.

By that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda, beer... NOTHING! You know it's bad when I don't like my beer. lol! So, Tim took me to the grocery store and tried to buy some of my favorite foods to cheer me up... he said it was like shopping with Gandhi because I turned my nose up at everything! I didn't want to try my favorites because if they tasted bad, then they wouldn't be my favorites any more! So, we got a few things, and it turned into a day of experimenting to see what foods I could eat. I did try sushi, but hesitantly because I would cry if I didn't like that! Fortunately, it still tasted good to me.

So, Friday night rolls around, I am sitting in a hot bath, trying to take in liquids (nasty) and waiting for this Milk of Magnesia to work. I'm just all around miserable, unhappy, and frankly, just a little whiny. All of a sudden, I go from sitting in the tub trying to feel better to sitting on the "pot" trying to feel better. That stuff works a little too well! lol.

Once I was finally able to get that under control, I sat down in the living room to watch some TV, and I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It scared Tim because I don't ever get nose bleeds. So, he called the doctor that was "on call" at the oncologist's office. They didn't seem to think it was a big deal, so I got it to stop and we went to bed with the intention of heading to Atlanta to visit Tom and Jane on Saturday morning.

We woke up Saturday morning and started to get packed. I still had a bit of a stomachache, but I felt well enough to sit in a car all day, so I was ready to go. I was just excited to be going somewhere besides a doctor's office! Frankly, I am tired of my own house and tired of doctor's offices. I'm bored!!! lol. So, we packed and piled into the truck and stop off at Kevin and Tammy's to see if they would let the dog out while we were gone and my nose started to bleed again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I'd also had a nose bleed that lasted close to an hour that morning and another one in the shower before we left. Well, that was the final straw. We left the kids at Kevin and Tammy's and Tim called Tom and Jane to cancel the trip, and he took me to the hospital.

We were at the hospital for 4 or 5 hours, they ran some labs on me, and gave me 2 bags of fluid and sent me home. Basically, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. So, that's when I got the name "Melmen" from Tim. So, we went and got some food, then back to Kevin and Tammy's to hang out and watch a couple of movies.

Oh, I had heard that chemo makes some people lactose intolerant, though, so I decided not to eat any dairy at all on Sunday, to see if that was causing my stomachaches. My stomach felt fine all that day. So, I tried a bowl of cereal today to see if it made a difference, and YAY! it didn't. I still feel fine. What a relief that is. Can you imagine ME, growing up on a dairy farm, becoming lactose intolerant? My family would disown me for sure. lol!

So, like I said... it was a rough weekend (and I know it will get worse than this!) but I'm feeling better now. I still can't taste much, so it's really hard to force myself to eat and drink. I look at it as my weight-loss plan before bike week in Daytona. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go! I plan on being bald and having Carley put a huge biker tattoo on my head before I go. lol!!! It'll be funny.

Hugs to all. Love and miss those of you that I don't get to see often! Love, ~Brenda

Minor Allergic Reaction

2007-01-26T04:20:00.000-08:00

Good morning, everyone! Sorry it's take me a couple of days to get back on here to let you all know how my treatment went on Wednesday. Basically, I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds, so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail." No biggie, I guess.

Here's the details.... they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin (which is the main reason that they insisted that I take chemo). Well, sometime while I was asleep, Tim looked up and saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. On top of that, my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature for a while (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.

If it is indeed that drug, then I don't know what I'm going to get done. The herceptin is in response to a specific cell marker that was found in my tumor, and was one of the more important drugs that I will be taking. I'll let you all know how that turns out, though.

Meanwhile, I ended up going home and just spending the rest of Wed. and most of Thursday sleeping, trying to get back into the swing of things. I am starting to feel better now, but we'll see how today goes. We were talking about heading up to Atlanta to see Tim's family, but I have to make sure my shift is covered at work before I can just take off.

Oh, and one more thing that I almost forgot to share... NOTHING tastes good anymore! Water is gross, soda is gross, juice is gross... how can a girl stay hydrated when everything is just nasty? Don't even get me started on food. Maybe I will lose some weight with this after all!

On a good note, however, I have "met" (via e-mail) someone who has had breast cancer, and she lives in this area. She is a professional photographer, and is interested in helping me "record" different events during my fight through this, free of charge! What an amazing gift! So, her and I will be talking next week to brainstorm some ideas. I would really like to have a record of what I am going through to show my girls when they get older. Ash will remember a lot of this, but not all of it, and I want to put a more positive spin on things so that they can remember that this is not ALL bad. There is some good coming from this... somewhere down the line!

Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!
Love, ~Brenda

Made it through my first chemo treatment!

2007-01-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

What a relief to have that over with! They gave me this anti-nausea medicine that should last about 5 days.... so I don't know how that will feel once it wears off, but so far so good! I didn't feel sick at all yesterday, and I was just a little tired. I went home, took a nap for an hour, and got right back into the swing of things. Tim cooked dinner, and I ate (so I had an appetite... I was actually STARVING) and had ice cream for dessert.

I have another, shorter, session today, so we'll see how that goes. I am reassured now, though.

One thing that I must remember is that everyone I've talked to says that the first session or two aren't so bad. It's when you get further and further into it that things seem to go downhill and your body starts to take a toll. So, I am prepared for that, but right now I'm doing fine. What a relief! I was very worried.

Some of the other information that I finally have includes that I'll be going in every Monday for blood tests to see where my white blood cell count, red blood cell count, and platelet counts are at. If I'm not in an acceptable range, then they'll be giving me a drug to help boost whatever blood counts need help. Things like that CAN delay when and how often I have my treatments, but provided that everything goes smoothly, I'm looking at going every third week for 6 months. So, it's January now, I'm hoping to be over the worst of it by about June or July. After that, I'll still have treatments, but they aren't considered "chemo." Those are just other drugs to help me out.

I was told that if I do end up losing my hair, it could start within the next two weeks, but I've also talked to a couple of people whose hair didn't start falling out until their 3rd and 4th treatments. I guess we'll see. I do have a couple of wigs handy just in case, although I'm not sure I'll ever wear them. I'm actually more of a hat/scarf person, I think. We'll see. I have decided that if I do lose my hair, I want to get a portrait of Tim and I both bald at the same time. I think it'll be something cool we could do. I am trying to embrace as much of this as I can. If it's going to happen, I need plans in line to sort-of take control of the situation and wrap my mind around it.

I'm also looking at starting radiation around March or April. I have an appointment with the radiologist in March, but I don't know how long after that she'll wait to actually get me started. I'll keep you updated on that as I learn more in that area.

As for the rest of the family, Tim's still working on the upstairs. It's looking great, and we're very pleased with the outcome so far! Basically, we're going to have an extra master bedroom and master bath upstairs! So, between work, taking me to appointments, working on the house, and an algebra class that he's taking, he's a very busy man... talk about multi-tasking!

Ashleigh is doing great. She comes in and checks to see how I'm feeling and asks questions when she's ready for more information. She doesn't seem to want too much info too soon, so I let her come to me when she wants to know more. That way, she has the opportunity to digest a little at a time. As artistic as she is, I'd love for her to be able to paint something cool on the back of my head once I lose my hair and have a portrait taken. Her report card came out about a week ago, and she's got all A's, so we're very proud of her. She is also still dating Travis... a little over 8 months now! He's a very nice, respectful boy, so we like him.

Carley is also doing great. Kindergartners are graded on the "E, S+, S, S-" scale, and she has gotten all "Excellents" on her report card. She really seems to like school. Oh, and by the way, she WANTS my hair to fall out, so she can put temporary tattoos on my head. She also thinks that I should get wigs of all colors (including green and blue). She sees it as an opportunity to do something that I wouldn't normally do with my hair. I love the different viewpoints that the girls have on this whole situation. They keep me grounded and help me stay positive!

We are currently looking into getting both of the girls into magnet schools for next year. The school Ash is in is in a bad part of town, and they really don't have a great curriculum. I want to get her into an artistic program or into a law program. She has mentioned lately that she'd like to be a lawyer, and she never really likes signing up for art classes because she loses her freedom of expression when someone TELLS her what she has to draw/paint/etc. So, we'll see.

As for Carley, we're probably looking at either International Studies, which teaches about different cultures and languages, or a Math/Science/Technology school, which is also stuff that she is showing signs of interest in and that she is good at. She has a logical mind and this type of environment would really help her, we think. As we figure out what we're going to do with each of the girls, we'll let you know.

Oh, and since I am looking at about 6 months of treatment, and sessions tend to get worse as I move along, I've mentioned to my Mom that maybe she should wait until around April to come down so she can be here when the girls are on Spring Break. By that time, I'm sure I'll be feeling pretty crappy. That way, she'll be able to help entertain the girls somewhat while they're out of school, and we'll have the upstairs done by that time. We'll see how that goes, though. In March, Tim is planning on having some friends down to help re-roof the house, and is going to pay for their hotel in Daytona for bike week in payment. So, we're looking at some house guests during the beginning of March. I don't mind, though. I get tired of being home alone all day.

I guess that's about it. Thank you to all of the wonderful phone calls that I got yesterday. It was so nice to have everyone call and see how I was feeling. Just knowing that I have a cheering section and people to listen to my thoughts and so on was nice. I very much enjoyed all the calls!
Love, ~Brenda

Chemo today and tomorrow

2007-01-23T03:22:00.000-08:00

Well, today's the big day.
I have no idea how to even say what I'm feeling. Sometimes I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling!
Is it fear? maybe.
Is it relief to be moving forward? sure.
I am full of questions. Questions that neither I nor anyone else have the answers to.
Tim simply let me vent the other night. I wanted to know, "Why me?"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Am I supposed to learn a lesson from this?"
"How do I even know the doctors aren't just lying to me?"
"The only time I feel sick is when the dr's do something to me."
"Is it just some elaborate insurance scam?"

Ok, I realize how fow fetched some of these questions are. Please realize that at the time, I wasn't very rational.
Wisely, Tim just listened, threw in the appropriate "Um hm's" and "Yes, dear's" whenever he felt I needed them.
This, among so many other reasons, is why I married him. He knows when I have a problem that I need help solving, and he knows when I just need him to listen. I'm told that a lot of men can't tell the difference.

Regardless, once I got over my little "conspiracy theory" episode, I did feel a little better. I was a teapot, letting off steam. Some of the pressure went away, leaving some room for common sense to build in it's place.
My mind seems to be a complex maze of thoughts, ideas, and fears that neither I, nor anyone else, can understand. I just have to do this day by day to see where the next treatment takes me.

Meanwhile, life goes on and our house is waking up for the day. Tim just went to the kitchen to make me some breakfast and I heard the front door close a few moments ago as Ashleigh left for the school bus. My alarm tells me to wake Carley for school. It's a big day today for her today, because the kindergarden classes have been learning to count to 100 this year, and today is the 100th day of school. The kids all decorated t-shirts and everything. I can't wait for her to come home this afternoon and tell me all about the "100 things" that they did today.
It's little moments like just listening to the movements of my family in my home and hearing about their day that reminds me why I can't just curl up and hide from all of this.

What would hiding show my children, anyways? That it's ok to be a coward?
Please excuse my randomness this morning. I can't seem to focus. People have been telling me what an inspiration I am. I disagree. We do what we need to do.
Am I brave? No.
Am I strong? No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.
I keep going because I have to. I have no choice. It isn't because I'm brave or strong. Just because I can't do anything else. I am left without a choice, because dying isn't a choice.
I do wish it was all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore, of course.
I often think that.
That's not brave, strong, or inspirational. It's just selfish. I realize that.
I know that after today, I will begin feeling worse and worse, and the anger I feel right now has nothing on what I WILL feel very soon. Fortunately, I have a family that understands that and just allows me to vent whenever I need to, and we move on.
One day at a time.

Again, forgive my randomness.... too many thoughts, not fast enough fingers. lol.
Love, ~Brenda

St. Agatha of Catania

2007-01-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

This was something interesting that I found online about a female Saint that has become, among other things, the Patron Saint of Breast Cancer. I thought it was interesting. The website where it was found was: http://www.saintpatrickdc.org/ss/0205.htm There are other saints listed on that page, but this is the one I was interested in:

Agatha of Catania VM (RM)

Born at Palermo or Catania, Sicily; died at Catania, Sicily, c. 250 (?). There certainly was a martyr named Agatha at Catania, who was venerated there from very early times as demonstrated by her inclusion in Saint Jerome's Martyrology, the calendar of Carthage (c. 530), the canon of the Roman Mass, and Carmina by Venantius Fortunatus, but nothing else is known of her. There are many versions of the basic legend included here.

Agatha must have been beautiful and wealthy for the Sicilian consul Quintinian tried to force her to become his wife. When she refused because she had already dedicated herself to God as a virgin, he turned against her and decided to punish her by installing the pure girl in a brothel for a month. She resisted all attempts to shame her.

When this didn't work, Quintinian, who did not believe in God, brought her before the courts on the charge of belonging to the outlawed Christian sect. The accounts of her tortures are frightful--racked, scourged, branded. Even her breasts were cut off, and she was allowed no medicines or bandages or food when she was sent to a dark dungeon. It is said that Saint Peter appeared to her in a vision accompanied by a youth carrying a torch. He applied ointment and healed her wounds. Four days later, unmoved my the miraculous cure of her wounds, Quintinian caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with potsherds.

Agatha would pray passionately throughout all this: "Lord Jesus Christ: you know what is in my heart and mind. Take me and all that I am and make me Your own." Naturally Agatha believed that death would be a happy release from her torturers into the arms of Jesus. They carried her broken body back to her prison, while she prayed for release. At that moment, just after an earthquake, Agatha died in prison of her injuries.

A saint who bore such trials was greatly revered, and her tomb became a sacred spot for Christians. Saint Gregory the Great, for example, took a church which the Goths used in Rome, and reconsecrated it to the saint. The church of Sant'Agata dei Goti still stands, preserving the memory of this virgin martyr.
In a later period pictures of Saint Agatha carrying her severed breasts on a platter were mistaken as bread, which led to the practice of blessing bread on Saint Agatha's Day.

Her intercession as patron of Malta is credited with preserving the island from the Turks in 1551. Her prayers were also efficacious in preventing the eruption of Mt. Etna on several occasions. Its torrent of burning sulphur and stones was averted from the walls of Catania several times by the silken veil of Saint Agatha (taken from her tomb), fixed on a lance, and carried in procession. As the sacred relic met the lava, the flow would stop and the eruption end.
Her name is found in the litany of the saints and in all martyrologies: Greek and Latin (Attwater, Benedictines, Bentley, Delaney, Encyclopedia, Farmer, Husenbeth, White).

In art, Saint Agatha is a maiden martyr with a palm, two breasts held on a platter, and either pincers or shears (Tabor). Sometimes she is shown (1) with her breasts cut off or held in tongs; (2) crowned, with tongs and palms; (3) covering her shorn breasts as an angel brings her the martyr's palm; (4) holding a unicorn's horn; (5) with a torch and burning church in her hand (Roeder), or with a long veil (Tabor). She is depicted in the mosaics of Sant'Apolinare Nuovo in Ravenna, Italy (Farmer) and a picture of her martyrdom by Sebastiano del Piombo at the Pitti Palace in Florence, Italy (Tabor).

Agatha is the patroness of Catania, where she preserves Mt. Etna from erupting. She is also patroness of bell-founders (shaped like her breasts, or possibly because bells are used to warn of fire), firefighters, girdlers, jewellers, maltsters, nurses, wet-nurses, weavers, and shepherdesses. Agatha is invoked against earthquake, fire, lightning, storm, sterility, wolves, and diseases of the breast (Roeder, White).

The "Latest and Greatest"

2007-01-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

Well, Tim and I went to visit with the oncologist yesterday. I had 1/2 of my blood taken out and put in vials, to be replaced later with drano..... or at least it seems like it. Then, they ran a baseline EKG on me, which came out fine. Finally, we watched a video, and then the nurse sat down and talked to us about some stuff.

First and foremost, she tells me that I'm going to have to give up my Mt. Dew. (I knew I didn't like her for some reason.) So, I bartered her down to only one a day (she tried to get me to agree to diet, caffiene free Mt. Dew... what's the point, really?????). So, we comprimised. I'm allowed either one cup of coffee OR one Mt. Dew each day. That's ok, I can deal with that.

Then she says that while she won't tell me that I'm NOT ALLOWED to drink, she claims that I won't want to. We'll see. While I realize that she has more experience than I do with chemo, what's the point in living now??? lol.... just teasing. I know she's right, and I'm willing to cave as long as I can still have my one Mt. Dew each day... Nectar of the Gods.... lol.

So, moving right along, my first Chemo treatment will be on Tuesday, January 23rd. I get there at 8:30 for a talk with the Doctor, and then my treatment will last for 4 hours! Then, I go back for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. The treatments won't usually take so long, but she said the initial dose is stronger than the rest, and after this time, it'll all get done in one day instead of spread out into two days each.

Thank you to everyone that I've talked to lately that have offered to go to my first treatment with me. I realize that 4 hours can be pretty long and I appreciate the offer. I have Tim coming with me, and really, he's all I want for now. I'm willing to humiliate myself in front of him if anything happens, because he has to love me anyways. It said so in our marriage vows, so I'm holding him to it. Really, though. I just want to spend that horrible first day with Tim. He always knows what to do to make me feel better, and I'm going to be scared enough without trying to put on a "strong face" for visitors.

Ok, on to the emotional part of me. So many of you see my actions lately. I'm fine one second, crying the next, and won't tell you why the third. I know that between Tim, my friend Chuck, and Tammy, they have recieved the brunt of it.

I try to shelter Tim from the worst of the news because I'm so afraid of making it worse. I love him so much that I can't stand to see him hurt or worried about me.

I party with Tammy because it helps me forget things and she always gives me permission to act immature.

Then I vent my emotions onto poor Chuck, who really shouldn't have to listen to me at all! I know you carry a huge burden with keeping my thoughts bottled up inside.

Thanks for the part all three of you play in my life. I would be lost without any one of you.

As for the rest of you that have tried to talk to me.... Thank you so much for being a friend and trying. I don't know what makes Chuck and Tammy my confidants. I really don't. They just let me vent, act a fool, and then don't judge me for it later. Of course, Chuck always tries to talk about it again later, but I never want to. He has to wait until I'm ready, which seems to happen more and more lately.

Anyways, to anyone who has known me for any amount of time at all, you know that I don't share my feelings. I am not an emotional person. I do not tell people what my own personal thoughts are on anything. I put on a happy face and push on through like everything is just super, no matter what kind of nightmare is going on inside my head and/or heart. I solve my own problems, which is why it is so hard for me to share things with Tim. He wants to solve problems, but he can't solve this, so I try to shelter him from it instead. I know it bothers him, but I don't know what else to do. When he gets scared, I get scared, and I worry enough for the both of us!

Ok, that's enough of that. That's another reason I don't share my feelings.... I tend to ramble, and I hate rambling. Basically, I just wanted to let everyone know that YES, there is a lot of termoil inside of Brenda's head right now, as you would expect under these conditions, but NO, I don't want to talk about it. It's not personal. I just can't make myself open up and spread my emotions on the table. It's like a brick wall and I can't knock it down and become vulnerable. I don't know how, and I probably never will.

But, if you'd like to call me and just chit chat about whatever, my phone light is on again! lol. I wasn't taking too many calls for the longest time because the phone never stopped ringing. Finally, I've found some quiet, so I'm able to talk again.

(Wow, I feel like a walking contradiction.)

Love, The Oxy-Moron lol

Aimee's Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk

2007-01-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, now I'm not usually a pushy person (... well, ok, maybe I am sometimes) but I happen to have a legitimate gripe/complaint/bitch.

I have a friend, whom I've told you all about, named Aimee. She is getting a group together to walk the 3-Day Breast Cancer walk in Michigan to earn money for research. She is walking it in my name this year, and has been out running and working on her endurance in order to walk 60 miles in 3 days.

Problem is that I am literally the only person that has donated any money at all towards her cause. Give me a break.... I'm the one with the cancer! I can't believe that out of all my friends/family that care about me, not one of you can even consider donating $20 to support her team. I'm shocked. Even $5 makes a conscious effort on your part.

I guess in short, I figured it was a good cause, and the website gives you any information you may need, explaining what the money goes to and so on. If you're worried about giving your money away, then do your research, and then donate! (Please.)

Ok, I'm off my high horse now. If you really do have a legitimate reason not to donate to breast cancer research, then fine. Don't. It is still, of course, your money and your decision.

Thank you! Love, ~Brenda

P.S. Need directions on how to donate? Check my archives under 2006-10-15 and scroll down to "Aimee's Walk."

Finally, some Good News!

2007-01-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! I had my ultrasound yesterday, and (YAY) there isn't anything wrong with me... down there. lol. Turns out that what they saw on the CT scan was just enlarged blood vessels, so it was no biggie. I don't even have a cyst. So, that was a sigh of relief.

Also, I go on Wednesday to get some labs done and talk to a nurse about learning to take care of myself during chemo.... eating right and all that. Finally (according to this calender that they gave me) I'm supposed to start chemo after a physical on the 23rd of this month. That's good, because I work on Mondays, have chemo on Tuesdays, and HOPEFULLY will feel well enough to be at work again on Thursdays. We'll see, but that's the plan so far.

I guess that's about it, though. I just wanted to let everyone know how my u/s went yesterday. I know some people were wondering.

Love, ~Brenda

Port Catheter results

2007-01-12T04:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I got the catheter put in last night. Aunt Connie, I got your e-mail about Marie's, and I'm so sorry to hear that she's having so many problems with it. Can they remove it and put a new one in? I think I would definately ask. Sounds like the place that they put it was aweful! Mine is on my left side, just under my collar bone, so that it fits into that little groove. It's pretty sore today, but I don't think it's going to be too bad. It doesn't seem to be crooked or anything, but I'll be taking the bandage off tomorrow morning and will find out for sure.

As for my cyst that we recently found out about, I'm going in on Monday to have an ultrasound and get that checked. Hopefully it's nothing, but it's definately got to be looked into.

I guess that's about it for now. I just wanted to let everyone know that the port catheter surgery went without a hitch. They wanted to just sedate me, but I refused to be awake during surgery. I was so freaked out during the biopsey on my breast that I cried the whole time. I didn't want to go through that again, so I asked them to use general anestesia, which they did. Thank goodness for caring medical staff! I don't care much for my surgeon, but his staff is fabulous! Besides, Tim was right there, and I don't think the were gong to tell me "no" in front of him. He was stressing, so he had his "angry face" on. lol!

Love, Brenda

The news from last night.

2007-01-11T03:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a busy week. I had a dr's appt. on Monday, which was to make the appointment for Thursday to have my port catether put in. We're headed there in a little while.

On Tuesday, I had to drink barium dye (yummy.... not!) and have my PET scan. That was pretty uneventful.

Last night, the dr's office called me with the results of my CT scan, and they found a cyst on my left ovary. That scared me at first, and I'll admit that I'm still a little concerned, but the paperwork said that it is believed to be "unrelated to the known breast cancer." Plus, my friend, Tammy said that when she stopped taking birth control, she got a cyst, too, and they just put her back on BC to shrink it back down. Problem is that they're not going to put me back on BC because the hormones feed my cancer.

So, I'm supposed to be getting scheduled for an ultrasound so they can take a better look. I'll let you know more as I know more. Tim's pretty worried, though, because my tumor on my breast started out as a cyst and 6 months later, it was cancer. So, he doesn't know what to think. I try not to worry about too many things at once if I can help it, though.

I guess that's the news for now. Hope you're all doing well.
Love, ~Brenda

Second 1/2 of Port Catheter story.

2007-01-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

Well, Tim and I wasted about 3 hours of our time today that we'll never get back. I'm so angry right now! Ya know, it's not the cancer that is eating away at me. It's the medical and insurance run-around related to their "curing" the cancer. Well, by the time they get around to doing anything, this anomoly body of mine will have cured it on it's own. Then, the medical community will take too long to take blood and tissue samples from me to share the cure with the rest of the world! I swear, it's like dealing with a government agency!!!

Ok, I'm not done venting, but I'll explain: Last week, when my dr's office called me to schedule this procedure, they told me not to eat for four hours before the surgery and to bring someone with me to drive. So, I hadn't eaten anything since last night, and Tim and I got there at 10am. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour, then in the patient's room for 1/2 an hour, the dr. walks in like a whirlwind (like he always does.... he's always in a terrible hurry). He takes 10 minutes to tell me what this port catheter is, where it will be located, how it is inserted and so on (all information that I already had) and groping my chest looking for any weird lumps at the same time. Then, he sits down and asks Tim and I if we have any questions and that is when we asked why they weren't doing the procedure today. He said that he didn't want to do any surgeries without first explaining things. Well, I can respect that, but I already had this same speech (with diagrams, minus the groping) from my oncologist, so could he just do his job, please???? Apparently not. "Come back on Thursday and it'll be done then." And he signed a piece of paper, told me to get with Chris (the surgery scheduler) and left the room the same way he came in.

So.... we wait in the waiting room again (for about another hour or so) and Chris comes out and gets other people, but never me. Finally, I ask the lady if he went to lunch or something, because I was the only person left there! So, another 1/2 hour rolls by, and we finally get back to his office.... and Chris doesn't know why the dr. sent me to him. The surgery was already scheduled for Thursday, so he didn't have to do it! "OH, but wait a minute.... you do need to sign this paperwork...." turns out that I had to wait about 1 1/2 hours to sign my name ONE time to ONE piece of paperwork, which happens to be the SAME PAGE that the dr. signed right in front of me earlier! I was livid.

So, port catheter surgery on Thursday. On the flip side, however, there was a cancelation at the PET scan place, and I'm getting my scan done tomorrow morning instead of on the 17th. So, I get to drink a bunch of barium dye for breakfast. Lucky me!

Grrrr! I'm having a crappy day, and I'm so sick of this emotional roller coaster! I feel like I'm losing my mind just dealing with all of this stuff. Tim did call and file a complaint report today against the dr. and his staff. I don't know what good it'll do, and it didn't give the same feeling of release as screaming at someone would have, but we do what we can, I guess. On the good side, there's a HOPE meeting that I'm going to tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes. Maybe it'll help. I dunno.

Love, ~Brenda

P.S. A couple of more sites to check out if you feel inclined:

A CT (or CAT) scan: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ct-scan/FL00065
A PET scan: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pet-scan/CA00052

Port Catheter insertion...

2007-01-08T04:58:00.000-08:00

Well, today Tim is taking me back to the surgeon at Shand's Hospital to get a port catheter inserted into my chest. Here is a website to learn more, if you're interested. (Try not to look at the pictures, they were disturbing to me.)

http://www.mirs.org/rounds/ir_ports.htm

Now, they have to wait at least 7 days after this minor surgery to start chemo, but I'm scheduled for my PET scan on the 17th, so I won't be able to start until after that is finished. It's part of the several base-line scans that are to be done before they can start filling me full of draino.

For those of you that have been around me lately, I've been having some trouble dealing. I'm pushing away people who care, I'm angry, and honestly, I've been drinking quite a bit. Rather than head down the path to hell, I'm going to call my doctor on the base and see if he can get me some counseling. I have this crazy way of trying to make everyone else feel better, so I don't tell them what I'm thinking/feeling on the inside, and then it blows up like a volcano. (Besides, I'm not looking for sympathy, and who REALLY wants to know about someone else's issues?)

Anyways, things are progressing slowly. I went and got a couple of wigs from the American Cancer Society on Friday, which I'll take to have cut into a style I like and have them colored. I'm not entirely sure I'll wear them, though. They're a little creepy to me. They look cute on Carley though! lol.

I guess that's about all the news I have for now. Kids are back in school today (yay!). Ash's birthday was yesterday (15!) and we all went out to eat and she got an iPod... lucky kid! Her boyfriend took it home with him to download music on it for her, since she has no idea how to use it yet. I thought that was cute. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you for all the wonderful phone calls and e-mails that I've been getting! It's so nice to see how many people care and think about you!

Love, Brenda

Clinical Trial/Chemo update

2007-01-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

Alright, I know a lot of you are getting fed up with this whole "hurry up and wait" business.... but believe me, nobody is getting as irritated as I am. Here's the skinny: I am NOT starting chemo today.

I repeat: I AM NOT STARTING CHEMO TODAY.

Why, you ask? Well, turns out that I'll be giving this clinical trial a shot (I'll get to more info on that in a minute), and I need to get a port put into my chest for the chemo to be fed into. (That's another trip to Shands, to see my surgeon.) Otherwise, my veins will be a mess from so many injections. So, messing around with TriCare once again, and it looks like I may be able to have it put in around the beginning of next week. We shall see. Then, they have to wait 7 days after the port is in before they can start chemo. So, I'll keep you updated.

As for the clinical trial, the drugs that will be given include (here are websites with more info):

Docetaxel (Taxotere) http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04009a1;_ylt=AptZldqsi2e_6CnW9r7STcIkD7sF

Carboplatin (Paraplatin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d00185a1;_ylt=AtJYuLwa33CR8Y3QW38yFW8kD7sF

Bevacizumab (Avastin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d05214a1#d05214a1-important

Trastuzumab (Herceptin):
http://health.yahoo.com/drug/d04357a1;_ylt=Ag143k2SsVWDeiMVl3Cbb7MkD7sF

Now, if you take the time to look at the websites I've listed and see what goes on with these drugs, you may be asking why I'd opt for this clinical trial. Here's the deal...

I am an anomoly.
I am 31 years old (young).
I have a (paternal) family history of breast cancer.
On a scale of 1-3 for agressiveness, mine is a 3.

Getting into this trial ensures that I will be able to get the most advanced care possible. Since my cancer is so agressive, I need to be equally agressive. Plus, if you look up the three types of chemo that they were origionally going to give me, the health risks are similar.

Keep in mind that all the possible health risks listed are just that: risks. That does not mean that these things will happen to me. Try reading the warnings on a Tylenol bottle sometime. Yet, you still take them. Same with this. They have to tell you about the risks involved, no matter how big or small the risk is.

So, once again, my chemo has been delayed. They tell me how agressive the cancer is, but they sure are taking their time fighting it! On top of all that, my Mom is trying to figure out dates on when she should come to visit, but I don't have any answers for her. I know that has to be frustrating!

Anyways, I guess that means I'll just have to keep you all updated as I learn things. ~Brenda

Clinical Trials....

2007-01-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

Ok here's the latest and greatest information that I have for now. The Chemo treatments that they are talking about and their side affects are:

Adriamycin Side Effects: decrease of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets, hair loss, mouth sores, nail changes, discolored urine, severe sunburn with sun exposure.
Cytoxan Side Effects: decrease of white blood cells, red blood cells and platelets, mouth sores, decreased appetite, taste changes, hair loss or thinning, changes in menstrual cycle, bladder irritation, nasal congestion.

I am supposed to get bloodwork done today, and Tim and I were supposed to have a "class" with one of the nurses to teach us how to care for me properly during chemo. But, I got a phone call from my oncologist's research assistant yesterday, and she said that I'm an excellent candidate for a clinical trial. Really, that's all I know so far. We're supposed to talk to her today, and she's going to give us all the info to see if it's right for me. I'll keep you all updated on that.

Here's a good website on describing what a clinical trial is and does. Good source of information. http://www.clinicaltrials.gov/ct/info/resources;jsessionid=FBE56EAD676A03AB85E2C45

Also, if they do continue ahead with the chemo, I will find out if I'll be taking Tamoxifen every 3 weeks over the course of the next year. That's the part that my oncologist had not decided about yet. So, I'll give everyone an update on that, too.

Finally, one last bit of news... My Mom is coming to stay with me. I'm looking forward to seeing her, and she's going to stay and help out with the kids and so on while I'm sick. That way, Tim can continue with his work and not miss too much, and also continue with the house construction. Hopefully this will work out well for us all. We just need to get her paperwork done so that she can take family/medical leave from her job. No biggie.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year! Love, ~Brenda

Chemo Schedule....

2006-12-28T03:40:00.000-08:00

Alright, everybody... I had my appointment yesterday with the oncologist. First, I'd like to say that I really like her a lot. She sat down and explained a lot to me, that nobody else would. My appointment lasted 1 1/2 hours, because she went through everything for me. Whatever I wasn't sure of due to medical jargon, she explained to me. She even wrote down notes in a book for me, so I could just sit and listen. So, here's what we have so far... A schedule:
12/28: Flu shot and pneumonia vaccine
12/29: Orange Park Medical Center for some scan (I forget what it was)
1/3: Bloodwork, followed by a training session for Tim and I with a nurse about chemo, how to care for yourself, etc.
1/4: Start Adriamycin and Cysoxan (chemo meds), which I will take once every 14 days for 2 months.

The oncologist is still trying to decide if she wants to put me on Herceptin or not. She says that they've had a lot of positive results with it, but it's usually reserved for people whose cancer has gotten into their lymph nodes. However, mine was rather agressive, and even though we caught it in time, and she is still considering it. If I do have to do Herceptin, it'll be given every 3 weeks for 1 year.

The side effects of the Chemo include hair loss, urine turnes red (because the meds are red), lowered white blood cells (risk of infection), lowered red blood cells (risk of anemia), and lowered platelets. So, blood work will be done weekly to keep track of those things. It also carries a 1-2% chance of heart problems, so there will also be scans on my heart regularly.

According to the oncologist, I'm an "anomoly." Great. How do I react to that? It's so unusual to find someone my age with breast cancer, apparently. Which makes it more difficult for me, because I want a support group full of people my age. How did it affect their families, their children, their marriages, their jobs, their health? Grrrr....

Anyways, I have markers for estrogen, so after chemo, I'll be on Tamoxifen, which basically puts my body through the symptoms of menopause. These are pills that have to be taken daily for 5 years.

Also, I have another appointment in March with my radiologist to figure out when that will all get started. So, while I'm not full of great news, at least it is news. I'm moving in a forward direction, which is better than I was, when I was just sitting around waiting on the insurance company.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and wishing you a Happy and very Health New Year for you and your families. Love, ~Brenda

Cool website!

2006-12-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

Check out this really neat website that I found. You can ask any kinds of questions or start discussions, and read other people's questions, participate in discussions, and so on. What's pretty neat, too, is that they actually pay you to do this! Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna get rich or anything, because I only made about $1.50 in a day, but it's fun to just check out different discussions and take part in them. It makes you think... and it can also help you find answers to things that you've wondered but didn't know. Anyways, here it is, if you're interested!

http://www.mylot.com/?ref=jeepstergirl

Love, ~B

Have an appointment

2006-12-19T19:42:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of our "Florida Family." You all know Tim and I, and there's Ashleigh and Carley. Tammy (My best friend) is next to me, and her daughter, Brittany, and her husband, Kevin, is standing. We all went out to eat on Sunday, and had this picture taken. Their other daughter, Jessica is the only one missing from the picture. But, they live 9/10 of a mile away, and Carley even calls them "Aunt Tammy" and "Uncle Kevin." I can't even begin to imagine where I'd be without the love and support of these people. They are the most loving, caring people that I know.

Ok, so anyways, I finally got the whole oncologist thing figured out. Apparently, Tricare DID send my referrel, but it had an incorrect phone number on it. So, the doctor's office kept trying to call me and leave me messages but it wasn't actually ME, apparently. So, I when I had called tricare, the lady was looking in the computer under pending referrals, instead of all of my referrals, and so I was told that it wasn't even in the computer. So, I called my dr. on base, who called the breast care manager/nurse at the base hospital, who called my surgeon at Shand's, who called my radiologist at Shand's, who got the oncologist the correct phone number and finally called me yesterday... Geez! lol.

So, long story short.... I have an appointment on the afternoon of December 27th. That appointment is when I find out all about the cycles of chemo I'll be doing, and so on. Then, they'll set me up to get started with the actual drugs. Lucky me! (not) But, it's something that I need to do, weather I want to or not, and I know that I have family that will help Tim and I out when/if we need it. My Mom is the first on my list to help out. She's been just patiently waiting for me to give her the "go ahead" to get time off work and come down here to help out. I know Carley's really excited to see her! She talks about her all the time.

Anyways, not much else going on. Just working on the house. The stairs are in and the second story has been started!!! It's so cool. I'm very excited about all of that. Otherwise, not much else going on.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! Happy Holidays from our family to all of yours!

Love, ~Brenda

It's been a while...

2006-12-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. We've been super-busy, and there hasn't really been any new news with my chemo. I am dealing with Tri-Care again (anyone surprised?) trying to get the referral from them just so I can MEET my chemo doctor, let alone start treatments! I'm supposed to be starting them soon, from what I understand. I guess we'll see.

Meanwhile, I'm attempting to find an online job that pays better than what I'm doing now, and that I can do from home. It'll be a lot better when I'm not feeling that great some days. Besides, since I quit smoking, the second-had smoke really bothers me when I'm working and the next morning. Also, I'm not making enough money being a bartender, and between what little I make, Christmas coming up, and the construction on the house... well, let's just say it's not pretty. Unfortunately, Tim and I probably won't be spending too much money on anyone this year other than the girls. Sorry in advance!

I guess that's about it for now. I did go and get my hair cut short... and it looks cute! I had some friends go with me and have two more friends that want to do it, too! Thanks to Tammy, Brittany and Jessica for going with me to get my hair cut! I got a style that CAN go into a mohawk, but isn't like that every day. Jannian and Stephen, let me know if you're still interested in hair cuts! I'll send you pictures of us.

Well, love and hugs to everyone this holiday season! I hope you're all doing well! Love, ~Brenda

Our 9th Anniversary

2006-11-30T04:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a busy week in the Austin household! Tim has several household projects going at once. He has built a wall to create a formal foyer, is digging a well to water the lawn with, in order to save money on our utility bill, and has been landscaping. On top of that, we are moving forward with the plans to build another bedroom and bath upstairs. Unfortunately, our engineer friend that is working on that project seems to be dragging his feet. I was hoping to have that project well on it's way by now, and finished before Christmas, and they haven't even started it yet! Grrrr.... Oh, and we haven't even gotten any of our Christmas decorations out yet!

Besides the chaos of living with constant construction, I have also been moving forward with my doctor's appointments. I had my post-surgery check-up on Tuesday, and everything came out fine. There was no new news from pathology, which is good! I am unhappy with how my breast is healing because I have a large divit removed, and the "girls" are definately not a matching set anymore. This bothers me probably more than it should. Tim says we'll just worry about reconstruction later if need be. That still doesn't make me less angry.... although I have nobody to really be angry at. The surgeon? No, because he had to take it all out. Me? No, because it's not my fault that I got breast cancer. Who else? Really, it's just the nature of the beast. I know that, but I don't have to like it.

I also went to see my Radiologist on Tuesday. She had some interesting news for me. She is the doctor that I really like. She is clear, takes her time explaining things, and just gives me an overall comfortable feeling. But, she had some surprising news for me. Apparently, they are going to do Chemo before doing radiation. I was expecting it to be the other way around, since I haven't even spoken to the doctor that does Chemo yet. But, she said that they usually start Chemo 3-4 weeks after surgery. So, let's do the math.... My surgery was the day before Thanksgiving, so that would put my first treatment right around Christmas. Merry Christmas to me.....

So, from what I understand, it takes a few weeks before you start feeling really crappy, so my Mom wants to visit and help out. I'm looking at having her come down and stay sometime after the new year. That way, she won't have to deal with the holiday travelers and by that time I will be feeling pretty crappy and will be needing some assistance. It'll be nice to see her again, too. I hate that it's under these circumstances. Plus, maybe the upstairs will be finished by the time she gets here, and she'll have her own place to stay! That would be nice. We'll see, though. That project is taking too long.

Meanwhile, on a lighter note.... Tim and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary last night. It was very nice. For those of you that have known us for a long time.... it's a miracle that we are where we are right now. Because of all the crap we went through, we've grown up a lot, and have grown a lot closer. He is truely my best friend and I couldn't ask for anyone better. So, we went out to Carraba's for dinner, and enjoyed a wonderful meal including champagne and chocolate cake (heaven) for dessert. We went home stuffed to the gills, happy, and exhausted. lol! The years must be catching up to us. That's ok, though. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be spending my life with!

Oh, and one final note.... my last cigarette was on November 18th. Does that make me an official quitter yet??? lol! Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Love, ~Brenda

I'm Thankful

2006-11-25T14:07:00.000-08:00

Things I'm Thankful for...

I sat down for about a 1/2 hour today and tried to think of as many things as I could to be thankful for in my life. I know that there is a LOT more that I could list, but this is what I got in only 30 minutes. It's nice to sit down and reflect on what you've done and where you've been. Sometimes, the things that don't seem great at the time turn out to be a blessing in the long run, too. Love, ~Brenda

Being a Mom, Wife, Aunt, Friend.
Paris in the summertime
Motorcycle rallies in Portugal
An breast cancer surviving aunt
My daughter’s face at Chuck E. Cheese’s
Having a yellow jeep
Friends that feel like family
Swimming in the Dead Sea
Quitting Smoking
Horseback riding
Campfires, hot dogs and marshmallows
Tire swings
My husband; my rock
Living with the constant excuse of drywall dust
A husband that has several projects going at once
The love of my Dog and my Cat
Best friends: Jannian, Tammy K., Sylvia, Rachele, and Tammy B.
Scoops and Salsa Fresca from Sam’s
Schwan’s Fudge Ripple ice cream
Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”
Loud music coming from Ash’s room
The smell of Play Dough
Cell phones and digital cameras
Sleeping in and afternoon naps
Double stuff Oreo’s and milk
Warm rain and rainbows
Fresh paint
Vegetables of all kinds
Pie: apple, chocolate, pumpkin, key lime….
A plastic surgeon in Spain
Coming home just as the sun comes up
An ice cold beer
Giggling with my kids
Rock-n-Roll
Questions from children
Tim’s tiny, gentle kisses along my spine
Tim trying to teach me to ski
Carley trying to “read” a map on the Paris subway
Ash trying to burn down the Eiffel Tower
Tim almost burning down our house
Visiting the Louve and seeing the Mona Lisa for the first time.
Riding a camel in Dubai
Being a strong, beautiful, capable woman
Seeing the “Phantom of the Opera” with my Mom in Detroit
Trips to Canada and Niagara Falls with my Mom
Summers spent on the farm
My hat and scarf collection
Nail polish and make up on my “ugly” days
“The Princess Bride”
Relatives planning to visit
Letters from my Grandma!
Living in Florida
Christmas lights on palm trees
Halloween and costumes
Beautiful gowns for the annual Christmas party
Pittsburgh Steelers
University of Michigan Wolverines
Detroit Red Wings
My fuzzy, orange blanket
Comfort food
Pasta
The smell of preschool and kindergarten classrooms: juice, crayons, and paste
Macaroni art and jewelry
Bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy’s
Fall colors in Michigan
Growing up with an amazing father!!!
Dried roses, old photographs, strands of pearls
A husband who always want6s to hold my hand, draws me baths, and makes me hot toddies
French Onion soup
Tulips, lilies and roses
Caterpillars
The Statue of Liberty, Old Glory, nd the US Military
Helicopter rides out of Naples
10 classes until graduation
The word searches and comics in the Sunday paper
Football and Hockey seasons
Reading
Shel Silverstine poems
Public library cards
Sticky little fingers holding my hand
Spilled milk
Blissful silence
That there was no room in the inn
Crab legs and lemon butter
Seeing “Stomp” twice
Friends that live only 9/10 of a mile away
“Amazing Grace”
Church bells
Sushi
That the vow, “in sickness and in health” really means something
Forgiveness
Girl Scout cookies: Thin Mints and Samoa’s
Visiting the Ocean and the smell of Salt Water
Disney World
Cedar Point and roller coasters
6th grade Toronto trip
Bedtime prayers
My brother’s Kermit the Frog imitations from when we were kids
7 years in the Navy and 2 Med cruises
Taking the train from Seville, Spain to Paris, France
That the tomb was empty
Sunshine
Muscle shirts
Braces
Christmas lights

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! I hope you're all having a wonderful holiday! I got up and made cinnamon rolls (out of a can) this morning and I thought my kids were gonna attack me for them! I guess I don't make them often enough. lol.

I had my second surgery yesterday, and all seemed to go well. I was in and back out in about an hour. I spent the rest of the day in bed catching up on old episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I love that show! lol.

Today, Tim is going to fry a turkey, and then we're going to go to Kevin and Tammy's house and take it easy. This way, I don't have to cook. I am a little sore from surgery, and I'm not allowed to lift anything. Besides, I'm on drugs right now, and the dr. told me that I'm not to be driving or cooking for a couple of days.

We wanted to go to Atlanta to visit Tim's Dad and Jane today, but I don't think I'd be able to tolerate a 6-hour car ride right now, as much as I really would love to see them. So, Tom and Jane, I hope to get to see you soon... just not this weekend. Have fun at the Vols game on Saturday! I love you!

To everyone else, have a wonderful holiday! I am thankful for all of my friends and family this year, and most especially for the gift of health. I realize that I am fighting cancer, but every day is a bright, beautiful day towards the end of my battle. I am learning to cherish the NOW and not worry so much about TOMORROW. Everything has a wonderful new meaning to me. I know that having a cancer diagnosis is never good, but you wouldn't believe the way it changes your outlook on life. I do believe that there are some blessings that God ment for me to find with this. Maybe it's His little way of telling me to slow down and take my time.

Oh, and one more thing... I want to brag just a little: I have quit smoking! My last cigarette was on Saturday around noon, and I haven't had one since! I've managed to quit "cold turkey" and so far so good. I have a deep-down feeling this time that I've never had the other times I've quit: I really do feel like it's "forever" this time. I really don't need that negative part in my life, and I do want to be finished with it. So, that is my gift to myself. Sometimes you just need to do the right thing.

Ok, I guess that's it for now. Have a wonderful holiday! Love, ~Brenda

"Sometimes the best we can do when we get to the end of our rope is to just tie a knot and hang on." ~Vickie Girard

Second Surgery

2006-11-22T03:08:00.000-08:00

Hey, Everyone! It's about 6am, and Tim and I are leaving for the hospital in a few minutes for my second surgery. It should be less invasive than the first one, since they're not messing with my nodes this time. Just wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Love, ~Brenda

Getting a haircut

2006-11-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, It has been decided...

When I start going through chemo treatments, I was planning on cutting my hair short, because it won't be as traumatic when it starts to fall out as it would be if it were longer. But then, some of my friends and I were talking and decided that we should get mohawks until my hair begins to fall out.

Brittany said that hers is going to be black with pink tips. I'm thinking of just all pink.

The way I see it, I never went through a "crazy hair" stage when I was younger, so why not do it now before it falls out? I think it'll be fun. Don't worry, I'll take plenty of pictures when the time comes!! Anyone else want to take part in supporting me with a mohawk? lol!

Love, ~B

One Flaw in Women

2006-11-16T05:35:00.000-08:00

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Update After the Weekend

2006-11-14T05:17:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't been on here in a few days, but not too much was happening in my life that was worth writing about! But, let's see....

Tim was on leave all last week to help take care of me, so he had some friends over and got some landscaping done, they got the toe moulding down around the house, built a wall to create a formal foyer, and are working on the plans to build our upstairs. This is going to be really great!

Otherwise, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, but it was no biggie. He just went over what he told me the other day, and told me how he was going to do the next surgery. That will take place the day before Thanksgiving, so looks like I won't be cooking this year! lol.

My first appointment with the radiologist is still on the 28th of November, but I don't think we'll be starting treatments at that time because of the fresh incision made before Thanksgiving.

Also, I went back to work last night. It was pretty uneventful... after all, it was a Monday. It was nice to see everyone again, though. I love my family, but sometimes you just need to see a new face.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. If I go a few days without writing, just remember:
No news is usually good news!

Love, Brenda

Wednesday's Appointment

2006-11-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I know that a lot of you have been waiting to find out what the news was at my appointment yesterday. I couldn't remember what time I had to be there, so I called first. Thank goodness I did, because come to find out, the pathology reports weren't back yet. So, he wouldn't have had any news for me. So, the appointment to look at my stitches and how I'm healing isn't until Monday now.

As far as the results, the dr. just called a little while ago. The lymph nodes came back negative for cancer.... YAY! As for the tumor itself, the invasive cancer only took up about 1cm of the tumor. It was surrounded by what they call "pre-cancer" or non-invasive. He said that it looks like they got all of it out with the exception of one area, so he wants to get back in and take more out in that area. That would also be an outpatient procedure. We're looking at getting that done before Thanksgiving, which will probably put my radiation date off a little longer.

If anyone is wondering, the results were needed for a few reasons. One is so that they could see if the cancer had indeed spread. Two was to be alble to stage the cancer. They also use this information to know how much radiation I'll need, and to get more info on the chemo that I'll be going through.

So, at my appointment on Monday, we'll discuss the results in further detail and go from there.

Otherwise, just laying low and nursing my right side. The cut under my armpit is really sore, so I have to be careful with how much I lift and so on. Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty healthy.

Hope all is well with everyone else!
Love, Brenda

My e-card

2006-11-09T06:17:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent me the most beautiful e-card today, and I had to share what it said. I wish I could have copied the picture and everything, but couldn't. Anyways, it's nice to hear what other people think of you, especially when you don't notice these qualities in yourself.

Chuck, Thank you! I appreciate your friendship!
Love, ~Brenda

Standing for what you believe in
regardless of the odds against you, and
the pressure that tears at your resistance
...is Courage.

Keeping a smile on your face when inside you
feel like dying, for the sake of supporting others
...is Strength.

Stopping at nothing and doing what's
in your heart that you know is right
...is Determination.

Doing more than is expected, to make
another's life a little more bearable,
without uttering a single complaint
...is Compassion.

Helping a friend in need, no matter the
time or effort, to the best of your ability
...is Loyalty.

Being the best you know you can be when life
seems to fall apart at your feet, facing each
difficulty with the confidence that time will bring
better tomorrows, and never giving up...
...is Confidence.

Have A Fantastic Day
It Makes Me Happy To Know You're Part Of My Life

Well, it's Tuesday

2006-11-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone!

Well, it's Tuesday, and I'm bored out of my mind. Seems like every time I try to do something around here, I get "caught." I was taking out the trash yesterday, and my Mom called.... Damn! Caught! lol Saturday, I was picking up some stuff around the house, and got a phone call.... Damn! Caught! Seems like everyone tells me to take it easy, but I'm BORED, BORED, BORED.... I don't make a very good sick person. My armpit is still sore, and I have to be careful with what I lift with my right arm because of it, but my left side is fine! Grrrr.... lol. I'm gonna lose my mind. I have found that if I bend over too far, or reach too far for anything, I can feel my stitches tug. Obviously, I don't want to tear them open or anything, but I can't help but feel useless. Very annoying.

Ok, I'm finished ranting.

I plan to return to work next Monday. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out what the pathologist discovered about my tumor and the lymph nodes. My radiation appointment is on the 28th of November, because they wanted to give 3 weeks for the cuts to heal totally before starting Radiation.

Oh, here's a cute story: As many of you know, I'm taking percocet (spelling?) for the pain. When I take it, I am supposed to eat something. So, Saturday morning, I got up, took my pill, and just had some cottage cheese, because I wasn't very hungary. About 10 minutes later, I was high as a kite! lol. It was pretty funny, because Tim had me in the front yard, trying to explain his landscaping plans to me, and I just stood there, swaying back and forth, not hearing a word he said. Finally, he stopped talking and I carried my happy butt back to bed. I guess I had better take more than just some cottage cheese with those pills!

Not much else going on. We are slowly moving ahead with the plans to add an upstairs to the house. Hopefully, it will be done before Christmas. I don't want to be under construction during the holidays, if I can help it. Anyways, thanks for all of the kind e-mails I've gotten lately. I'll sit down either today or tomorrow and write some people back.

Love, ~Brenda

Removed the bandages

2006-11-05T04:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally got my friend, Tammy, to help me remove the bandages last night. I was so worried about how "mangled" I'd be that I couldn't even look in the mirror until she swore to me that it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. I was so upset about looking that I felt like I was going to pass out and had to lie down on the bed! I'm such a big baby! lol.

So, I finally caved in and gave it a look... I have a horizontal cut where they took out the tumor that is about 3 inches long, and another cut under my armpit that is about 2 inches long. I think they should heal up pretty well, though. A side note, however... my armpit is completely numb! Weird. It feels the same way your lip feels after you have a tooth filled. Strange! Hopefully, that will go away with time, but I don't know. I'll have to ask the dr. about it on Wednesday when we see him.

Otherwise, I'm just laying low. Still taking the painkillers and trying not to tear open the stitches. I've gotten several speeches from people who know me only too well... about not "over-doing it." I was trying to pick up stuff around my house yesterday, and got in trouble for that. lol.

Oh, one more thing for today: I have recieved flowers!!!! They are absolutely beautiful! My pals from work sent pink roses. They smell soooo good! Some of the people from Tim's work sent a beautiful pink, yellow and purple boquet with a balloon; Linda and Jim sent a lovely blue, red and yellow boquet; and Tim bought me lillies! Tammy also took Carley out and they got me a balloon, too! My bedroom smells like a flower shop! They're so beautiful!! Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtfulness! I'm not always a "girlie-girl" but I do LOVE flowers! I'm in flower-heaven right now! lol.

Anyways, I guess that's about it for now. I do have this week off of work, but I think I will be well enough to return on the following Monday. I can only sit around my house for so long before I begin to completely lose my mind! So, I'll be back to the Fleet as soon as I can!

Love, ~Brenda

The Poem

2006-11-04T05:49:00.000-08:00

The Poem

I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.....
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time."

Now do you have the time to pass it on?

Joy

If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything,
If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

I hope this brings everyone a little peace of mind today!
Love, ~Brenda

Post-Op

2006-11-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

Hi, everyone! I am home now, and I'm doing fine. I got home around 5 this afternoon.

I ended up not going into surgery until about 11:30 this morning. The surgeon finally came out to talk to Tim at 2:10 this afternoon. The doctor said he took out the tumor and sent it down to pathology. It tested positive for cancer cells on the outside of what he took out, so he had to go back in to remove some more tissue, which came back negative for cancer on the outside. So, he got as much as he could from the tumor area.

Then, he ended taking out three of my lymph nodes. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing they may have found some cancer cells in the first two, and the third one came up negative, so he stopped there. That's just my guess on that, though.

Other than being a little sore in the armpit area, I'm doing fine. I was very dizzy every time I stood up for most of the day, but it's starting to wear off now, and I'm able to move around a little as long as I don't stand for too long at a time. Of course, I am on painkillers, so I'm not sure how long it'll be before I can return to work because I don't want to work with narcotics in my system! They don't want us drinking on the job (even though I AM a bartender) so I'm sure they don't want me drugged up! lol.

So, I have an appointment with the surgeon on Wednesday to go over what they found, and for him to check my incisions. But, I am doing fine. Fortunately for me, I've had a wonderful nurse (Tim) and beautiful visitors (the girls). Thanks to Tammy for taking care of Carley today. It was definately appreciated!

Love, ~Brenda

11 Hours Until Surgery

2006-11-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

Well, neither Tim or I really like this doctor very much. It's his personality... I don't get a warm and fuzzy from him. Very disturbing, actually. Our first meeting with him was 10 minutes of him avoiding answers, answering questions with questions, referring some of our questions to "this other person we'll be speaking to" and so on. When we left that day, we really didn't know much more than when we went in there. On top of it, he acted like he was in a hurry and we were wasting his time!

Then, on Monday, we talked to my Radiation Oncologist. She is wonderful! She seemed to have all the time in the world for us, and not only answered all of our questions honestly, but even brought up a few other important points! With the surgeon, he was even vague about answering questions directly relating to the surgery. The radiation doctor gave us all of the info we wanted, and more! I really liked her (actually, I think I have said this already in an earlier blog).

So, because of the meeting with her, Tim got on the phone and tracked the surgeon back down yesterday and "had a talk with him." It's so cute when he says that. I can only imagine how the conversation went, but needless to say, this overly busy surgeon suddenly had time to see us today, and didn't seem to be in any hurry at all! Go figure.

Well, we were able to "trap" him long enough that he answered all of my questions. Since so many have been calling (and if you've left a message and I haven't called back, I'M SORRY!!!) with similar questions, I'll try to answer some:

I am going in at 8:55 tomorrow morning so they can insert this dye into the tumor. It takes avout 2 hours to get to my lymph nodes. From there, they'll be able to see which nodes are being affected and just biopsey those, instead of removing them all like they used to do. So, I'll be having a lumpectomey done, where they remove just the tumor and some of the surrounding tissue. A separate incision will be made under my armpit to get to the lymph nodes. The whole procedure should last about 90 minutes or so. Then, they'll keep me in a recovery room until some of the anestesia begins to wear off, and then I'll get to go home. We did have the dr. write my prescription today so that Tim wouldn't have to worry about getting to the base tomorrow to pick up pain pills for me.

He said that I will have some soreness (obviously) and won't be able to lift my arm very high for a few days. But, I'm hoping to go back to work in a week or so.

Then, my next appointment (besides some post-surgery check-ups) will be with radiology on the 28th of November... The day after mine and Tim's 9-year wedding anniversary. From there, I'll be doing radiation (it's not clear how long I'll be doing this yet) followed by chemotheraphy (also unknown as to how long). The doses for radiation and chemo will be better known after the tumor and nodes are removed and sent to pathology for testing.

If the lymph nodes come back positive for cancer, I will require another surgery to remove those. Also, some of you have asked about reconstruction. The dr. said that 95% of these types of surgeries do not require plastic surgery, because my body should naturally build up scar tissue in the place where the tumor is being removed from. So, I should have a small scar from the incision, but nothing worse. The stitches will even be under the skin, instead of the outside.

Oh, and one more thing.... everyone keeps asking what stage of cancer it is. Sorry, but they really won't know until after the surgery exactly how large the tumor is and if/how far it may have spread. He said that the reason the tumor showed up bigger on the MRI than on the mammogram is that the MRI picks up everything, including inflamations. So, the tissue around the tumor could be inflamed, but not have cancer in it. We will find that out at the surgery.

I guess that's about it for now. Thank you to everyone that has called to wish me well, and for the e-mails I've recieved! It is so wonderful to have so many people care about me.

Love, ~Brenda

Surgery Tomorrow

2006-11-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

Well, my surgery is tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but otherwise I'm ok. I think I'll spend some time alone listening to the CD's that Jude sent me tonight. I have to have my head in a happy place, and it hasn't been lately.

Tim and I are leaving in a few minutes for a final question/answer session with the surgeon. I have a whole list of questions written down, and Tim says he has a few, too. I'll take some notes, and try to write another blog this evening to let everyone know exactly what is happening and answer some of the most commonly asked questions.

Just a side note, we leave for the hospital at 7:30 tomorrow, drop off Carley at a friend's and then start the process of getting the injection for the Lymph Node Biopsey and so on. The surgery is at 10:55 tomorrow morning. If you could all set the alarms on your cell phones, watches, or whatever, and say a quick, silent prayer around that time, I would really appreciate it! I know God is watching over me, but every little bit helps, right?

Anyways, more later. I'll give an update on the meeting with the dr. Love, ~Brenda

Rough night

2006-10-31T06:32:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday and last night were pretty rough for me.

All along, I've had this "I don't feel sick, so there's nothing wrong with me" attitude. Then, Tim and I went to meet the radiation oncology doctor yesterday.

She is amazing! She didn't rush us, she listened to all of our questions and answered them completely. I am really glad to have her as part of the team that I'll be working with!

But, after the appointment, I went home and enjoyed some quiet time, where my mind slowly started to take over. By the time 6:00 rolled around and I had to go to work, I was NOT in a good place (in my head). Fortunately, I have one of the coolest bosses in the entire world. Betty closed the place down, gave me a few beers and let me just relax. I needed that more than she could possibly know! There was just no way my head was into working last night. I couldn't focus on anything. My mind was everywhere and nowhere all at one time. Definately a mess.

But, enough about that. I'm sure you all want to know what the dr said yesterday! lol.

Well, she talked about the surgery and any reconstruction that may need to be done. She told me about the radiation treatments, and then went on to tell me that because of my age and the size of the tumor, I'll also be doing chemo after the radiation to get any cells that may have moved somewhere else in my body. She confirmed what I already knew.... It's gonna be a long, ugly year!

But, I do have wonderful friends that live close by, family members offering to visit if I need them, and a boss that is flexible with whatever schedule I need to work around. I couldn't ask for a better support group at all!

Oh, and one more thing... Thank you to Jude and to Jannian for the care packages you sent to me! Jude, the cd's are very good. I can't thank you enough! I just need to get into the habit of setting time every day to enjoy them. Jannian.... I can't tell you how much fun it was opening your box of "goodies!" You never cease to amaze me! I love you!!!!

And finally, to my good friend, Chuck... Thank you for making sure that my emotional baggage and I got home in one piece last night! My Jeep was fine this morning when I picked it up. It's good to have friends to take care of you when you finally break down and let your emotions try to take over. I needed that!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween tonight. I can't wait to see all the kids in their costumes! Love and hugs, ~Brenda

Red Fridays....

2006-10-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

Support our troops

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and twotogether. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'dbeen invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if hewas heading home.
No, he responded.
Heading out I asked?
No. I'm escorting a soldier home.
Going to pick him up?
No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq . I'm taking him home to his family.
The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch tothe gut. It was an honor for him.
He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to thes oldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.
I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.
Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeleyof the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."
Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American.
So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday.
The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the"silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing. Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America that supports our troops.
Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that: every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is "We need your support and your prayers."
Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday.

IF YOU AGREE -- THEN SEND THIS ON. IF YOU COULDN'T CARE LESS -- THEN HIT THE DELETE BUTTON. IT IS YOUR CHOICE. WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!

Tell 10 today!

2006-10-28T05:58:00.000-07:00

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today!

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 TODAY

My positive attitude...

2006-10-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Many of you have commented to me on my positive attitude and the ability to maintain my sense of humor. While many of you may see it as my being strong, it may really be a slight bit of self-denial and a way to make light of the situation. Whatever it may be, it seems to work for me, even if Tim doesn't appreciate my weight-loss and bald jokes. (Sorry, baby!)

Really, I have no choice in the situation. I could sit around feeling sorry for myself because this has "happened" to me. I won't do that, though. That's not me. I have too many people in my life to survive for... starting with my girls! So, my only other option is to look this in the eye and take it head on. Step by step, I know that I'll get through it with Tim's help and the help of all of my friends and family.

I have been trying to think of ways to encourage myself later on, when I'm not feeling so great. One of those ways is to make a list of POSITIVES that can come of this. Here is my list thus far:

This is bringing me closer to friends and relatives that I have not spoken to in a long time.
I will be able to help bring awareness to younger women of the dangers of breast cancer.
I have already begun to appreciate the smaller things in life.
I've noticed that my family members are taking me for granted less.
Tim has been spoiling me rotten (more than usual), which is fun. (wink)
This will erase any self-doubt that I may have had in my own abilities.
I will eventually quit smoking.
This gives me an opportunity to let all of my friends and family know what they mean to me.
I'm paving the way to a healthier lifestyle for myself and my family.
I have been pre-warned to watch for this in Carley when she gets a little older.

I know the list can be much longer, but that is what I have so far. I can't focus on the negatives, because they are too scary... it's the unknown. But, the positives will be a crutch, a handle to hold on to when things begin to get stormy for me.

Let me know if you have any other suggestions for "positives." Love, ~Brenda

Time for Ice Cream!

2006-10-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY...

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

Just think about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.

Maybe we should try to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer,"I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I hadknown yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday" She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-roomcarpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.

The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind onnew ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit aniceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to... ...not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed abutterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child,"We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower.

Hear the music before the song is over . Every day, we should show our friends how much we care. Especially at this time of my life, I cherish our friendship and appreciate all that each of you do.

Thank you for being a part of my life, no matter how great or small! Love, Brenda

Aimee's Walk

2006-10-24T05:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just figured out that the link to support Aimee in the 3Day is wrong. Here is the correct one: http://www.the3day.org/site/pp.asp?c=ciKTLcPRLvF&b=297924

Once there, click on Donate and then Make a Donation.

On the next screen, click on Donate to a 2007 Breast Cancer 3-day and then hit Michigan on the left of the screen.

Finally, it will give you a place to type Aimee Bingham in the boxes. Once the list comes up, click on her, and go from there.

Sorry about the mix up! This will make it less confusing!! lol. Love, ~Brenda

My Consultation at Shands

2006-10-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well, a lot of you knew I was having a consultation with the surgeon at Shands Hospital today.

In a nutshell, I go in for bloodwork on Thursday of this week, and he's doing the surgery on Thursday of next (Nov. 2). In order to just put me "under" once, he's going to have me come in 2 hours early so they can inject me with some dye or something that will go directly to the two lymph nodes that they're worried about. Then, he'll make an incision to remove the tumor, and another in my armpit and remove just those two nodes. This way, I won't have to have a biopsey, and come back another time for the rest of the surgery.

He says that right now I'm looking at radiation, but won't know for sure about Chemo or anything until after the surgery and pathology can check out the tumor and the nodes themselves. Then I'll find out more about what treatment I'll be looking at.

Oh, and Tim did just about burst a blood vessel when the dr. told him that the surgery wouldn't be until the 2nd of November. But, I asked how urgent this situation was and he claims that another week or two won't make much of a difference. Since I really don't know about this one, and I'm really not likely to get a sooner surgery date, I'll have to take his word on it. He says "every patient is different" which irritated Tim even more. Tim says that if every patient is different, then how does he know that I won't be affected by two more weeks? He's barely even looked over my reports! Well, I do agree with him on that, but I'm not really sure that anybody in the medical profession can please him right now unless I'm unconscious and they're holding a scalpel over my body... Oh well. At least I know he cares about me!

I was teasing him at lunch today and told him that I didn't really think that there was a world-wide conspiracy against him. He says "No, it's against YOU, and I'm the only one who sees it!" Well, lucky for me I have him to watch my back! lol. At least he hasn't lost his sense of humor.

Positive thoughts...

2006-10-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maybe quitting smoking just isn't for me... Good news? I am NOT a quitter! That may work out for me in the long run! (lol) Guess I'll have to keep trying on this, though.

Anyhoo, Tim and I rode the Harley down to Daytona for Biketoberfest today. We had to have rode close to 200 miles, so my butt and back are killing me... and we're doing it again tomorrow! Oh well. I'll just take some motrin with me this time. Meanwhile, at an early point in the day today (11:32 am to be exact) I broke down and bought cigarettes. Grrrr! I really want this to work!

Anyways, about other things... I've decided to work on a list of good things that can come of my having breast cancer. I want to do this list soon, while I am still feeling rather healthy so that later, when I'm feeling crappy, I can read it and be reassured.

So, feel free to give me ideas of positive things that can come of this! I'll work on a list and post it soon.

I know that God has not decided to do this just to make my life miserable. He hast to have a long-term plan. Even though I don't know what it is right now, I do feel like this might be my chance to not only learn new things about my "inner self" but it also may help me find that "niche" that I've always been looking for. Perhaps I'm meant to help others by learning from my own experiences. We shall see. That is a reason why I wanted to keep this online journal. Maybe my reasearch and my thought processes can help others. If nothing else, I can let them know that their reactions to different stages of this are normal! Right now, I have a positive attitude (I'm invincible!) but down the road, I may be angry, and hit the whole "Why me????" stage. Either way, maybe it can help others in the long run.

I guess that's it for now. I should get some sleep.... headed back to Daytona tomorrow! Then, my dr. appointment is on Monday.

Love and hugs, ~Brenda

Coping with Cancer

2006-10-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

Good advice that a friend sent...

Wellness Monthly Healthy matters to keep in mind.

When Someone You Know Has Cancer
How to Help Them Cope

When a friend or relative has cancer or other serious illness, it’s perfectly normal to feel worried and uncomfortable. However, if you are not careful, your feelings could change the way you relate to your loved one. It’s important to remember that your friend or relative is still the same person. Only now, that person needs extra support — especially during periods of medical treatment and hospital stays. You can play an important role in making life as normal as possible in a world that has been turned topsy-turvy. Here are some ways.

Listen
People with cancer basically need someone to listen to them talk about their current fears and their future plans. They don’t necessarily need you to "do" anything. It’s not always easy to be a silent refuge from a day of chemotherapy or a night of sleepless panic –– but it can be more helpful than you may think.

Beware of conflict
The period right after diagnosis is often a time of anger, fear and confusion. People with cancer might lash out at you in an attempt to find a target for their frustration. Don’t take these outbursts personally, and try to respond with patience and compassion if you can.

Be yourself
Many people think they don't know how to act around people with cancer. Just do what you normally do, and don't try to be someone you’re not. People with cancer need their family and friends for a sense of normalcy. They have to deal with enough changes in their life without having to adapt to a new you.

Keep looking for hope
While cancer is undeniably a major illness, it is not necessarily fatal. Many cancer patients have been treated successfully, and many others live a long time after the diagnosis. It is hard not to think about the person dying, but it's important to focus on living. Staying positive will encourage people with cancer to do the same. For those with cancer, surviving the disease can be a difficult task. But you can give them positive support and let them share their difficulties with you. Facing cancer together makes it easier to endure the hard times, and to look forward to brighter days ahead.

Sometimes life can feel overwhelming. If you find that you are having trouble doing daily tasks or that problems are affecting your relationships with friends and family, you should consider seeking professional counseling. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness or failure, especially in situations too difficult to handle alone.

Tips for helping someone cope with cancer.
• Let the person with cancer start talking. You can’t make people talk about their feelings before they are ready, but you can be ready to listen when they are.
• Show your support. "I'm here" can be the most reassuring words you can say.
• Share your anxieties and uncertainties with the person, if appropriate. You both can support each other and give and take strength as you are able.
• Don’t give false assurances by saying, “Don’t worry,” or “Everything will be all right.” Try to lift spirits without denying the truth. It can be as simple as doing fun things you both enjoy.
• Don’t assume the worst. Even if the future is uncertain, you can still look forward to the possibility of a positive response to treatment, as well as spending good times together.

What do you say when you don’t know what to say?
The following are some ideas for how to offer help.
• Don’t start the conversation with, "How are you?" When you ask the question right away, the person may not know whether you really want an answer or are simply being courteous. Engage in some small talk for a few minutes before asking how things are going. Be sure you have time to listen before you ask the question.
• Drop the person a note. A simple message like, "I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing" lets the person know you care. It can make a big difference. You might suggest getting together for lunch in a few days. Be sure to follow through with the plans you make.
• Be aware of times of stress. For example, if you know when the person is going to the doctor for an appointment or treatment, call a few hours later to ask how it went. Your caring act may help the person cope with any bad news.
• Reinforce trust. Let the individual know that you will keep any personal information to yourself, even if the person doesn’t specifically ask you to.
• Don’t speak. Sometimes a hug or an arm around the shoulder can say more than any words.
• Be honest. It’s okay to tell the person, "I don’t know what to say. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you." The person with cancer doesn’t need advice or words of wisdom, just your caring and your presence.

The information and therapeutic approaches in this article are provided for educational purposes only and are not meant to be used in place of professional clinical consultations for individual health needs.

Quitting Smoking

2006-10-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright, I know what you're all thinking after reading the heading of this blog. "Damn, she's been diagnosed with cancer and she still smokes????" Yes, I'm still smoking. I have exactly two cigarettes left in my pack and then I'm done. I've bought the Nicotine Lozenges, tried to talk myself out of buying any more smokes and am trying to find ways to NOT smoke. This really requires an entire rearrangement of my life.

Please understand (those non-smokers out there) that cigarettes are not as easy to give up as one might think. When I was pregnant, I quit cold-turkey, because I had an innocent baby inside of my body. Sadly, this is STILL so surreal that while my mind says I have cancer, I still feel pretty normal. I feel emotionally drained sometimes, but otherwise I'm fine. It's hard to convince myself that I'm "sick" if I don't feel like I am. And if I don't feel like I am sick, it's hard to convince myself to stop a habit that I've had for years (even though it IS gross, and desgusting).

But, on a good note. I am quitting. I'll keep you all updated on that.

Also, I've done some research on things that are bad for those with breast cancer (and those with high risk). Drinking is bad, but if you do have one or two drinks, taking folic acid should actually help "counteract" the effects. Also, organic foods are much better for you because the dairy (sorry, Dad, Uncle Lee, and Uncle Paul) products have hormones in them that are bad for your body. Likewise with most meats these days. Vegetables are better if they're organic, too, because they don't have pesticides on them. Seems like a small thing, but since everything that you normally put into your mouth has pesticides or hormones, it can do some damage to a body that is already at risk. Since hormones are one of the leading factors in causing breast cancer, all of those years of taking birth control pills probably hasn't been a huge help, either. I've got one word for Tim: Vascetomey! lol!

Anyways, that's just a touch of what's going on right now and a little of the research I've found out. My appointment is on Monday, and I'll leave an update after that. Oh, and be sure to check out the blog below this one about Aimee's 3 Day walk for the Cure. Support her and her team! She's doing this not only for me, but for every woman in all of our lives! Mothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, nieces, and so on. Clearly we never know when this will strike someone you love. I'm only 31, and it struck me!

Michigan 2007 3day walk

2006-10-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

I recently recieved an amazing e-mail from someone that I went to High School with. It follows:

Brenda,
Last year, I signed up to walk the Michigan 3 day walk to fight breast cancer. I found out about it really late and was unable to raise the $2,200 I had to. However, I was able to raise about $500 that went to the cause. Not great...but it was $500. I decided to walk for my sisters, friends, and mothers...for women as a whole. Last year, breast cancer never touched anyone I knew. This year, it does. And I'm really sad that it does. It would be an honor for me to walk in your name. I know this year will be a struggle for you both physically and emotionally. I would like to dedicate my walk to you, in your name. I will be walking 60 miles in 3 days and raising $2,200 for the fight to find the cure. Let me know if it is okay that I walk in honor of you and your fight. If you like, we could link our blogs up and if you have friends who would like to do something, in honor of you, they could. I know when I read that you had been diagnosed, my initial thought was that I wish I were closer. I would help you care for your beautiful girls, make food for your family....while I am too far away to do that, I can do something. Let me know. I'll send you my website. It would be an honor. XOXO Aimee

So, in order to help her raise money for her walk, go to http://www.the3day.org/site/pp.asp?c=ciKTLcPRLvF&b=297924 Hit the Michigan 2007 3day and search for Aimee Bingham. You can also go to her blog page, which is http://aimeeswalk.blogspot.com Together, we can help Aimee raise money for Breast Cancer awareness. Thanks, Brenda

Dealing with Tricare

2006-10-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

Well, Tricare (military insurance) "screwed the pooch" again. Big surprise there. Tim's on a rampage, and I'm worried he's gonna climb a water tower soon. Once we finally got the referral from tricare, we were able to get another appointment, but it's not until Monday. And that's just to talk to the dr. that will be doing the surgery. Won't find out until then when they're actually going to take this thing out of me.

I'm pretty sure the next step is to do the biopsey on my lymph nodes and to stage the cancer. Then, it'll be another surgery to do the removal. I figure I'm looking at another week or so.

I am gonna start slipping some of my prozac into Tim's dinner pretty soon, though. lol, j/k! He's a normal guy... he needs to fix things. Since he can't "fix" my body, he expects the person who can to fix it RIGHT NOW (or, in his words, "yesterday"). So, a lot of my energy is spent trying to calm him down a little. Which is great because it keeps my mind off of ME for a while. lol. But, I feel bad for him, because he's handling it the only way he knows how.

Otherwise, everything is well. I have two good friends that live close by that are helping a lot with the girls by getting them to school and picking them up and so on. Right now, that's the most help I need. After the surgeries, I'm sure it'll be a different story.

The good news is that once people found out that I had cancer, everyone sent love and offerings to help! I know that when some people announce the "C-word" people get scared and stop talking to them. Fortunately, I happen to be an excellent judge of character (if I do say so myself) and all of my friends/family have been more than kind.

So, I'd love to take this moment to thank each and every one of you. I've appreciated all of the phone calls, cards, e-cards, e-mails, hugs, and so on. More than anything, it is reassuring to know that Tim and I aren't doing this alone. It's a very scary time in our lives, and you are all more important than I can possibly express in words. Thank you for all that you've done and will end up doing over the course of the next year.

Oh, one more thing... while I do truely appreciate all of the phone calls, I'm probably going to have my ringer on silent for a while now. I have become overwhelmed with the phone calls. So, if I don't take your call, it's not personal. I'm just losing momentum with explaining to everyone what is going on. The best way to find out will be through my e-mails. This way, I can update everyone all at one time, without having to repeat myself. Please don't take that the wrong way. I love you all. This is just a very emotionally draining time and I have a lot on my mind right now. I'm sure you can understand that. If you do have questions or comments or anything, feel free to e-mail me. This way, I can respond at my leisure, when my mind is in the right place.

Love and huge hugs to you all,
Brenda

Warriors in Pink

2006-10-20T05:40:00.000-07:00

Looking for a good way to support breast cancer research? Join Ford's Warriors in Pink. This is a link to the press release.

http://media.ford.com/newsroom/release_display.cfm?release=23397

This is a link to the Warriors in Pink website. It has gear that you can buy (and it's cool stuff!) and other information. Christmas is coming up... who wouldn't love to sport one of these cool shirts and other gear!

http://www.fordvehicles.com/warriorsinpink/index.asp

Check it out and help support the cause!!

Love, Brenda

My Update; Surgery

2006-10-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

Good morning, everyone.

Some of you may remember about 6 months ago that I had found some lumps in my breast. I got them checked out and they were just little cysts, and were no big deal. Well, a few weeks ago, I found a big lump on that same breast, but didn't panic, because I knew my 6-month check up was coming due. I had the check up, and I was told that the lump that I found was scar tissue....no big deal. BUT, under that were several calcium-like deposits.

The dr. referred me to a hospital out in town (Baptist Medical) and I had an appointment to go over my medical history and my mammograms/sonograms and set a date for a biopsey.

When Baptist re-took my mammo and sonograms, they figured out that it was one lump, NOT scar tissue. The lump turned out to be rather large.

So, I got my biopsy done last Wednesday. They took 6 samples from the one large lump and then drained 2 cysts. Then, the dr. saw on the ultrasound that the gland under my armpit was "unusual" so she took 2 samples of that. They called me on Thursday with the results.

I do have breast cancer.

The technical name for the type I have is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

The dr. seemed pretty positive that I should be able to beat this thing, though. She said I have a rough year ahead of me, but hopefully, by this time next year, my life should be back to normal. Apparently the type of cancer I have is one of the most common, so they're not dealing with anything new. She said that I'm carrying an 80% survival rate.

Oh, and the biopsey on my lymph node came back negative, so they sent me to get an MRI done on Friday. They also wanted to get a better idea of the size of the tumor. They piddled around with the results and finally called me yesterday afternoon (Tuesday).

The tumor that I have is larger than they first suspected from the mammograms, and although the origional biopsey on my lymph node came back negative, they said that it still looked irregular. For those who are unfamiliar, the reason they're concerned about this is because if the cancer is contained in just the duct, it should just "roll" out when they remove it. If it has begun to spread, the first place it will go is to my lymph nodes. So, they said that I need to get what's called a Sentinel Node Biopsey done. For those interested in more info, try this link: http://www.cancernews.com/data/Article/202.asp Once you go to that page, scroll down to where they describe the biopsey itself.

So, anyways, after that phone call, the nurse on the base set me up with a consultation appointment to ask/answer questions on Thursday. Once I called Tim and told him that, his reaction was "WHY THURSDAY!" They'd waited 4 days on my MRI results and then found out it's worse than expected, and now they're waiting two more days to do a consultation on thursday??? So, needless to say, he made some phone calls to some important people.

Which leads to why I am writing to you all in a mass e-mail instead of calling everyone individually like I'd origionally planned. I am headed in to work with Tim tomorrow, and as soon as my Dr. on base gets there, he's giving me a referral to go and get this Sentinel Node Biopsey done, and hopefully get the labs back from that ASAP and then get the tumor taken out and the lymph nodes if necessary. Because of the size of the tumor and the fact that cancer can get worse very quickly in younger people (your cells grow at a rapid pace when you're younger, both good cells and bad), we want to get this taken care of as soon as possible.

So, I won't be answering my phone for the next few days, but if anyone would like to call and leave me a message, I will be checking those. Please keep me and my family in your prayers. This is a tough time for us all!

Love, ~Brenda